Quotes from ‘Halloween IV’

Halloween IV

Halloween IV
Season 4, Episode 5 - Aired October 18, 2016

It's Halloween in the Nine-Nine, which can only mean one thing: heist time. This year, the squad members pull out all the stops in their quest to win the new defending title of "Ultimate Detective Slash Genius". Lines are drawn and plans are made, but there can only be one reigning champion.

Quote from Scully

Amy: Attention, squad.
Gina: Mm, pretty dainty way to make an announcement.
Amy: It's a workplace. I wanted to be respectful.
Scully: Well, as someone at a high risk for a spook-related death, thank you.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: The plaque will be held in this.
Amy: Is that my childhood caboodle?
Jake: It most certainly is, but don't worry. I removed the scrunchies, old report cards, and photos of young Al Gore. I'm better-looking than him anyway.
Captain Holt: We're talking a young Al Gore? [Holt and Amy laugh] Peralta, you do make me laugh.
Jake: Okay, stings a little bit.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Now, then, locking the caboodle.
Captain Holt: The "ca-boo-dale" will be placed in the center of the bullpen.
Jake: Right, and what is the name of the store at the mall that sells the sticky pastries?
Captain Holt: You mean the "See-nay-bone"?
Jake: Yeah, that was it. Thanks. Continue.

Quote from Gina

Jake: I totally planned everything for Charles.This is a nightmare!
Gina: Ew! What can Charles Boyle do that I can't?
Jake: Roller-skate like an angel.
Gina: Whore, I'm great on skates. Or are you forgetting Jenn Sutton's fourth grade birthday party?
Jake: I have definitely forgotten that.
Gina: Well, I skated like a pro, and then I spent seven minutes in heaven with the Todd Cohen. It was dope.

Quote from Gina

Gina: My point is, I can do anything Charles can.
Jake: Except look exactly like the body double I got for him. Bill, you can come out now.
Bill: Hi.
Gina: Okay, yeah, this pasty white guy is gonna be a problem.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: So what are you planning for the heist?
Sergeant Jeffords: The only thing I'm planning is getting my work done.
Hitchcock: Sure, you are. Come clean, or we'll tell everybody about your mistress.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't have a mistress.
Hitchcock: You don't? But you're so good-looking. What's the point?

Quote from Gina

Gina: Bill, but you got to stand like me. I'm kind of like a young Brando, so give it that energy. Okay, yeah. You're doing the best you can with the tools that you have.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Who hired you? Who do you work for, pizza man?

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: [gasps] The caboodle!
Amy: The caboodle!
Captain Holt: The "ca-boo-dale"!

Quote from Scully

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, I wasn't hiding. I was doing my work. Hitchcock and Scully were with me.
Jake: Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse?
Scully: Totally distracted. I ate two whole pies. Folded 'em up like tacos.

Quote from Charles

Charles: This is so frustrating. There's no way of knowing who has the plaque.
Captain Holt: Amy and Rosa have it.
Charles: What? How do you know?
Captain Holt: Diaz usually favors her left leg, but after "zero dark pizza," she was suddenly favoring her right.
Charles: Yes, yes, which means that she was...
Captain Holt: You trailed off and didn't finish speaking. Continue.
Charles: I don't want to.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Bing-pot!

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
Charles: I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.
Captain Holt: No, Charles, not you. I was talking about Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, right, obviously.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques. And now, boy, it's time to make Daddy proud.
Charles: Yes, sir.
Captain Holt: I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Wait, what is going on? We have the plaque.
Amy: Yeah, I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces.
Jake: "I Just Got It Out of the Vent to Rub It in Your Faces" Name of your sex tape. What?

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Black lights. What the hell?
Amy: Oh, my God. Our precinct is disgusting.
Charles: Dear God. Hitchcock and Scully's desk!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Gina! Of course! It all makes sense, except for the parts I don't understand and the fact that I still kind of think Terry did this.

Quote from Gina

Gina: I came back, wearing the perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone. Something so drab and uninspiring-
Amy: This feels like it's gonna be a dig on me.
Gina: I wore Amy's clothes.
Amy: There it is.

Quote from Gina

All: Gina Linetti is the ultimate human/genius.
Gina: Thank you. And now I'd like to say a few words.
Rosa: You talked for, like, an hour when you had us locked in that interrogation room.
Gina: I'm a fair ruler. Your comment has been heard. But seriously, you guys, I just want to say, I freaking love you losers. Happy Halloween.

Quote from Scully

Amy: As I was saying, it's time for round four of the Halloween Heist-
*Jake runs in with air horns blaring*
Scully: If I don't make it, tell Gina I love her.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Exercising my right to announce the heist as the defending champion.
Jake: Defending champion. The only reason you won is 'cause no one knew you were even playing. It was a pathetic act of pure cowardice.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, she's your girlfriend, Peralta.
Jake: Not tonight, she isn't. Although don't kiss anyone else. I love you so much.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: What? I really should be the one to introduce the heist, as the last legitimate champion. Peralta hasn't won since the first year. He's a has-been.
Jake: Yeah, well, this has-been has been with yo' mama all week. Sorry, I feel like I crossed a line; I apologize.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Attention, everyone.
Rosa: Enough. We know. The heist is happening.
Hitchcock: No, my ex-wife just died. No more alimony, baby!

Quote from Jake

Jake: This year's Halloween Heist is a three-way tiebreaker to determine the champion of champions. We'll be playing for this: a plaque that reads, "The Ultimate Detective/Genius."
Captain Holt: You and Santiago should quit now. I'm going to stomp on your dreams.
Amy: It's fun to see you so passionate.
Captain Holt: I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.
Jake: Huh. Is it weird that that turned me on a little bit? Doesn't matter. But let's move on.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: It will be secured with this brand-new lock. Hitchcock, if you would do the honors.
Hitchcock: There you are. You can have that back in three-
Jake: Nope, don't ever need it back.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Now let's pick teams.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've got a ton of work. You can just leave me out this year.
Jake: Interesting. Interesting.
Amy: Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Captain Holt: How naive do you think we are? You're "not participating" so you can sneak under our noses and steal a victory, like Santiago did last year.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm going to my desk. Heists are dumb.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: If you have nothing to hide, then I'm sure you won't mind me asking Hitchcock and Scully to keep an eye on you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whatever.
Hitchcock: My eyes will be glued to that ass.

Quote from Amy

Amy: So I believe the key to good teamwork is an equal exchange of ideas-
Rosa: Stop. I know you already have a plan. And I want to win, so for the next eight hours, I'm down with all your nerdy crap. Come on, Amy. Show me the binder.
Amy: Okay, but it's not a binder. It's a virtual binder, and it's encrypted on this flash drive.
Rosa: That's my girl. Now, where's the 3-D model of the precinct?
Amy: Inside the key chain. It's a frickin' hologram.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: Yes. I'm so excited, Captain. So how are we gonna do it?
Captain Holt: Here's everything you need to know.
Charles: It's blank.
Captain Holt: It's a metaphor. You get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir.
Charles: But we're teammates. You chose me.
Captain Holt: You're too close with Peralta. I don't trust you. I only chose you to disrupt his plans. And now that you've served your purpose, you're no longer needed.
Charles: I feel so used. Am I just a piece of meat to you?
Captain Holt: Yes. Now, put on a smile, Pork Chop.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, Bill, do you have a real job or-
Bill: I'm the third in a lot of marriages. I got a nice soft face, so I don't intimidate the husbands.
Jake: Hmm, strange, the random person I hired off the streets of Brooklyn is a weirdo.
Bill: What?
Jake: Hmm? Nothing.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Oh, it hurts so bad. I hope to God I'm not humbled by this.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: I'm so sorry, Gina. It should have been Charles on those skates.
Charles: This is why you should always roller-skate with a helmet and a mouth guard.
Rosa: Hey, don't blame the victim.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I'm just so sick of roller skating's dangerous image. We're not all bad boys.
Jake: Yeah, none.

Quote from Gina

Jake: All right, Gina, get your stuff. I'm taking you to the dentist.
Gina: No, no, no, no. I'll go alone. I don't need anyone's help. Just order me an UberSELECT or better.

Quote from Amy

Amy: With all due respect, sir, I don't think that's the best idea. The blood is dry. We can just clean it up after.
Captain Holt: Oh, agreed.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I have eyes on Kristy, Stacey, and Claudia.
Amy: You used their code names. You read the plans, addenda and all!
Rosa: Damn right, I did. I told you, I'm all in.
Amy: And you didn't make fun of me for basing it all on "The Baby-Sitters Club".
Rosa: And I even did your suggested reading of "Kristy's Big Day".
Amy: You did?
Rosa: Calm down. You're such a Mary Anne.
Amy: I am! It's true!

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: So, Boyle, I was impressed with how you stood up to Peralta and demanded a reset.
Charles: Ha! I'm Team Holt all the way, baby. Also, I'm pretty upset with him for letting Gina sweat up my skates.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Thanks for coming back, Bill. I really needed a teammate.
Bill: Hey, man, you're paying.
Jake: Yeah. You can take the wig off if you want.
Bill: Whatever you want, man. You're paying.
Jake: Could you stop saying that, Bill? It's making me a little uncomfortable.
Bill: All right, man. It's your money.
Jake: That's the same thing.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: What is this?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's a jack-o'-lantern. Don't touch it.
Hitchcock: Why not? Because you're hiding something in there?
Sergeant Jeffords: Because my daughters made it and your palms are all black. What have you been touching?
Hitchcock: Huh! Well, this has got me stumped.

Quote from Amy

Jake: You know how much planning it takes to get this many pizza guys here at the same time? A binder full of planning. This has Amy written all over it.
Amy: If I had done this, it would say "Captain Raymond Holt". I'm not going to disrespect you, sir, even for the sake of the heist.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I know one of you took the plaque. And I swear on my living mother's future grave, I'm not gonna let you get away with it.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Well, it certainly wasn't Boyle and me. We were out here the whole time.
Charles: Plus, we already ate. Autumn salads with farm-fresh squash. That's right, I'm catering for our team.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: Look who I found hiding in the interrogation room: this guilty son of a bitch.
Sergeant Jeffords: Still your sergeant.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: You're suspect number one, Jeffords.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whatever.
Captain Holt: "Whatever." Spoken like a common criminal.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, was the operation a success?
Rosa: You tell me.
Amy: [squeals]
Rosa: Blended right in with the pizza guys. Got out my bolt cutters. Lock snapped on the first try. No one saw me leave. Got to hand it to you beautiful plan.
Amy: Beautiful execution.
Rosa: It's kind of like we're our own baby-sitters club.
Amy: Oh, my God, I don't want tonight to ever end.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Did you by chance read the excerpt from "The Truth About Stacey"?
Rosa: The one about the rival baby-sitters That get caught smoking cigarettes?
Amy: Well, let's just say that these two baby-sitters aren't getting caught with squat. This is where I stash a few cigarettes on the rare occasion that I need a puff.
Rosa: Dope. The hiding place, not the smoking. Mary Anne is better than that.
Amy: She's a work in progress.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Time is running out. We got to stop playing by the rules and start playing dirty. Follow my lead, Bill.
Bill: Okay, but first I should tell you my safe word is "cabbage".
Jake: Why? You know what? Never mind. It doesn't matter.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Charles! Charles, get in here. Come on. What is Holt up to? Does he have the plaque? Does he know who does?
Charles: I'm not telling you that, Jake. I'm Team Holt, and there's nothing you could say that will change that.
Jake: Okay, fine, then I guess I have a new best friend, and his name is Bill.
Charles: [scoffs] You're not serious. He's just a prop for the heist.
Jake: Sure, it started out that way, but you know how these things go, spending time together, sharing intimate secrets, laughing about nothing in particular. [laughs]
Bill: Cabbage.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Holt has the plaque. It's hidden in the evidence room in a box marked "Cold Cases 1972"
Jake: Thanks, bud. We will always be best friends.
Charles: You hear that, Bill? Nobody likes you!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Chht, chht, chht, chht.
Jake: What is happening right now?
Captain Holt: The last sands are running through the hourglass. Chht, chht, chht. Because your time is running out, and you are never going to get the plaque.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wait, look at the plaques. "Are".
Charles: "Heists".
Jake: "Dumb" Are heists dumb? Of course not. That was a stupid question.
Amy: No, Jake, it's says, "Heists are dumb."
All: [gasps] Terry!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Not to be harsh, Sarge, but you're setting a terrible example for your daughters, and they're gonna grow up to be total failures.
Sergeant Jeffords: You take that back.
Captain Holt: No, she's right, Jeffords. Your children are doomed.

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: For the last time, I don't know. I've been working here the whole time. Ask them.
Scully: Well, actually, we both fell asleep.
Hitchcock: And Jeffords never woke us up. Coincidence?

Quote from Gina

Gina: Nope, it was all me. Three weeks ago, Captain Holt asked me to order a plaque that read, "The Ultimate Detective/Genius". I did it, and I ordered three copies and a statue of Tyrese riding a dolphin.
Rosa: Is that relevant?
Gina: To my life, yes.

Quote from Jake

Gina: Yes, it was easy. And the next phase of my plan: a "skating accident".
Jake: But you knocked out your two front teeth.
Gina: False teeth. Fake blood. I lost my real teeth at Jenn Sutton's birthday party in fourth grade.
Jake: Oh, you made sure I didn't remember that!
Gina: It was minute five of seven minutes in heaven with Todd Cohen when he bumped the wall and a bowling ball fell on my face.
Jake: Maybe I just wasn't at that party.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Once I had faked the skating mishap, I swapped out a dummy plaque for the real one. Then I left to go to the dentist.
Charles: And you convinced your dentist to help you carry out the rest of the heist.
Gina: No.
Charles: Of course not. Go ahead.

Quote from Gina

Amy: That suit is not drab. It has a fun salmon lining.
Gina: No, Amy, it made me invisible.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: But how did you know he was gonna say "heists are dumb"?
Gina: Terry says that about everything.
[cut to:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Everyone should wear suspenders. Belts are dumb.
Sergeant Jeffords: People should swim forward. The backstroke is dumb.
Sergeant Jeffords: 30 grams of fat? Hummus is dumb.

Quote from Gina

Gina: And now here you all are, locked up behind the glass like a bunch of loser fish. I bet you're wondering why I did it.
Amy: Because you wanted to win?
Gina: No! I had a loftier goal in mind. Can you do me a favor and tell me what that says right there?
Sergeant Jeffords: "The Ultimate Detective/Genius".
Gina: Detective. Can you imagine what that word sounds like to someone who's not a detective? Discriminatory. It's worse than segregation.
Captain Holt and Sergeant Jeffords: Nuh-uh.
Gina: Too far? I'm sorry.

Quote from Charles

Jake: What's up, Nine-Nine? Jake Peralta here to tell you that tonight is the night for the-
Sergeant Jeffords: Halloween Heist. Amy already went over this.
Jake: What? Ames, what are you doing? I always announce the heist.
Charles: Yeah, Amy, what the hell are you doing?

Quote from Captain Holt

*Captain Holt arrives with a marching band playing "Ride of the Valkyries*
Jake: Such a dork.
Amy: So cool.
Captain Holt: Attention, squad. Tonight-
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope.
Gina: Y'all three really should have coordinated.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I select Charles Boyle.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: What's the matter, Peralta? Were you expecting to have Detective Boyle on your team? Have I thrown a wrench into your plans?
Jake: Absolutely not. I'm just surprised, because you have such a strong connection with Gina. But I'm glad she's on my team. I had absolutely nothing planned for Charles.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: And despite our natural desire to stop everything, you'd like us to soldier on in your absence and keep the heist going?
Gina: Yeah, that's fine.
Captain Holt: Well, you heard the lady. She insists we continue. Let's mop up this blood and get back at it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: However, there is the small issue of me losing my partner. Now, Terry, I know that you were upset that no one picked you earlier.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not what happened.
Jake: Regardless, please be my partner, please, please, please, please, please, please.
Sergeant Jeffords: No! Heists are dumb, and I have work to do.
Jake: You're dumb, and I have heist to do.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I say we reset the plaque and start over.
Jake: What? But my team had it. Charles, tell him.
Charles: No, Jake. We're resetting.
Jake: Charles, what are you saying?
Charles: The plaque goes Back! [Charles collapses into Holt's arms] [groans]
Captain Holt: Yes, Pork Chop. Yes.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, perhaps I can use a teammate after all. Do you swear I can trust you?
Charles: Yes. I swear.
Captain Holt: Let's unleash hell.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Oh, if I were trying to distract you, I would have sent you the pizza. This is your doing, you and your male prostitute.
Jake: Bill is not a male prostitute, I don't think.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ain't she a beaut?
Bill: Sexy.
Jake: Immediately ruined it, Bill. Immediately.

Quote from Jake

Jake: The Oscar for best liar goes to you!
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not an Oscars category.

Quote from Gina

Gina: 'sup, losers? I have the real plaque!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Once I had the plaques, I manipulated Captain Holt into choosing Boyle as his partner. All it took was six bottles of dish soap.
[cut to:]
Gina: See, this is what happens when Jake tries to wash dishes by himself. It's like he's helpless without Boyle.
Captain Holt: Yes. He is helpless without Boyle.
[return]
Gina: And you fell for my trap like a greedy little rat.
Captain Holt: Easy.

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