Jake: And my new partner, a tarantula. I call him Jake Junior, a.k.a. Spidey Klum, a.k.a Mrs. Doubtspider, a.k.a. Joe Spiden, a.k.a. Tarantula Basset, a.k.a. Spi-Dermot Mulroney.
Charles: A.k.a. Tarantulina Jolie.
Jake: What? No. Charles, have you seen the spider? That's a terrible name.

Captain Holt: I wish he would turn the radio down.
Jake: You think that's the radio? That sounds like professional music to you?
Captain Holt: All music after Mahler sounds exactly like that.

Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Holt, I need a - what's going on?
Captain Holt: My doctor said I should be more active, but my squash club recently transitioned to racquetball. Since I'm not a dope-smoking hooligan, I decided to quit.

Rosa: Come on, sir, the math thing isn't the problem. Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
Amy: [chuckles nervously]
Captain Holt: What did you say?
Amy: Don't say it again.
Rosa: I said you two need to bone.
Amy: [whimpers]
Captain Holt: How dare you, Detective Diaz. I am your superior officer! [shouting, five minutes later] Bone! [sternly, ten minutes later] What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business. [shouting, twenty-one minutes later] Bone?! [calmly, forty minutes later] Don't ever speak to me like that again.

Rosa: By the way, I'm sorry that I didn't win you that stroller.
Amy: No, no, no, you were right. I don't need a Snoog. It's way too fancy. It is stupid.
Rosa: It's not stupid. I said you didn't need it because I already bought you a stroller for your shower this weekend, and it's just... isn't as fancy, and I felt bad.
Amy: Rosa, I would love any stroller you got me because it came from you.
Rosa: It's a Luftroller.
Amy: [pause] Oh, that is... That is a great stroller.
Rosa: I got you a gift receipt.
Amy: Thank you so much.

Captain Holt: Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule: when it's your birthday, you're always cool. Parents and kids are all the same. Watch as I do a dance to your name. [steady drumbeat] D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek. D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.
Jake: Again.

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Jake: Hey, I've been tailing Pimento, and I think you were right. There's something weird going on with that guy.
Rosa: I knew it. Ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.
Jake: Well, you don't have to.
Rosa: No, I'm gonna.

Captain Holt: Huh. Meat from the street. Sounds like a fun treat. Hah. I'm a poet and ... I didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.

Jake: Look, I'm ready. I'm the same old Jake.
Captain Holt: I don't know why you have an issue with this. Rosa was happy to comply.
Jake: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that Rosa does? I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?
Captain Holt: If Rosa were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Rosa jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Jake: You jump off a cliff.
Captain Holt: Gladly. Provided Rosa did first.

Amy: Oh, maybe we should look at anagrams of the answers.
Vin Stermley: That's really good, "o nasty amiga!"
Jake: Oh, what?
Amy: He re-arranged the letters of "Amy Santiago". He anagrammed me! Vin, do Jake Peralta.
Jake: I doubt that's even possible.
Vin Stermley: Eat a jerk, pal.
Jake: What, no one's ever said that phrase.

Doug Judy: So, is there a La Creuset pot on your registry, by chance?
Jake: Of course. You can cook and serve in them.
Doug Judy: And it looks amazing on your shelf. What's your color of preference? French grey or mineral blue?
Jake: Oh, you really do know your Le Creuset. French grey. Mineral Blue makes me want to barf.

Jake: Look, I think you might be overreacting a little to this prank, and I should know. You probably won't believe this, but I was bullied in high school for being too handsome.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't believe you.
Jake: You're right. It was for setting my crotch on fire in shop class. Hurt like the dickens. Point is, haters gonna hate. Shake it off. Taylor Swift, always right.

Jake: We should work the case together.
Stevie: The Beatsie Boys reunion tour?
Jake: Tagline, "Boys Will Always Be Boys". No wait. "Some Boys Never Change". No wait.
"Boys to Men, Back to Boys". No wait. "Boy-ees!" No wait.