Captain Holt: Wait a minute this isn't the championship cummerbund. This is some common cummerbund. And you're not Cheddar. You're just some common bitch.

Captain Holt: (At cinema to see Moneyball) The statistical analysis. (Sobs) It's so beautiful.

Captain Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker. The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?
Jake: That one's the dump.
Captain Holt: They're both your locker.

Captain Holt: Maybe we should take the chopper.
Jake: You said chopper!
Captain Holt: Deathblade! Sidewinder! It's go time!
Jake: Roger that, wet blanket.
Captain Holt: No, from now on, call me Velvet Thunder.

Captain Holt: Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule: when it's your birthday, you're always cool. Parents and kids are all the same. Watch as I do a dance to your name. [steady drumbeat] D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek. D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.
Jake: Again.

Captain Holt: Look at that. You've helped me find my smile.

Captain Holt: Please don't joke around in there. I know you're used to riffing with me, but Internal Affairs detectives rarely have my sense of humor.

Captain Holt: Bingpot!

Captain Holt: So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.

Sergeant Jeffords: I was trying to lighten the mood. The squad's been stressed since these drills started. Plus, you ordered me to act like a seven year old. Seven year olds like to have fun.
Captain Holt: That's true. When I was seven, I used to sneak into my father's office to see his collection of antique globes.

Captain Holt: You said there was no mole. You said you knew everything about these people.
Jake: Well, it turns out I don't. I've learned some truly horrible things tonight. You were right and I was wrong.
Captain Holt: Goodness. Boyle is sleeping with Gina?
Jake: What? How could you possibly know that?
Captain Holt: "You were right and I was wrong". You must have been shaken to your core to say that to me. Boyle is your most trusted friend, so he has to be involved. Your use of the word horrible leads me to believe that the matter was sexual in nature, given your obvious immaturity.
Jake: I've had sex.
Captain Holt: And, of course, you would be most upset if Boyle were to have slept with someone you knew from your childhood. Thus, the solve: Gina and Charles.

Jake: Oh, my God. Did you blow up the Creeper?
Captain Holt: Not on purpose. Once I realized your revolting cheese puffs were made with some extremely unstable chemicals, I deposited a few in the gas tank.
I thought they'd shut the engine down. I didn't realize they'd ignite it. You really shouldn't eat those, Peralta.

Jake: Can't sleep either, huh? This cow screaming is so loud.
Captain Holt: So loud.
Jake: Is it a pleasure sound or pain? Maybe they're into both?
Captain Holt: I hear they're into leather.
Jake: Was that a joke?
Captain Holt: Gallows humor. Being in this bovine brothel is truly a nightmare.

Captain Holt: Until this morning, some part of me still believed I would be captain of the Nine-Nine again. What a fool I was. I should never have returned. It's like visiting your childhood home and seeing it's been replaced by a denim pants store.

Captain Holt: Cheddar? Cheddar? Shake. Ah, good grip, pristine coat. That's my doggie! You betrayed me. You'll explain yourself later. Return to my office.