Amy: Well, I called the doctor to see if that was a common side effect and apparently, it isn't.
Jake: Oh, no. Is everything okay?
Amy: Yeah. She did have one guess as to what might be causing it. And, um, she was right. [holds up pregnancy test]
Jake: [exhales] Ames. Are we having a baby?
Amy: We're having a baby.
[elsewhere, Boyle bolts up in bed:]
Charles: It happened!

Amy: I'm horrible at this. When can we stop?
Jake: I'm horrible at this-
Amy: I know, I know. Title of my sex tape.
Jake: Huh. Well done. Title of my sex tape.

Jake: I thought they sold ramen at the prison commissary.
Romero: I don't want commissary soups, you stupid little bitch boy.
Jake: Okay, that's fair. I deserve that.
Romero: I want flavors you can only get on the outside Chili-lime shrimp, southwestern chicken. Street flavors.
Caleb: Picante beef.
Romero: Oh, that's my favorite. Get me picante beef, bitch boy.
Jake: Okay, so I just get some ramen and then I get a cell phone. Prison is easy.

Sergeant Jeffords: You happy now? Broken ribs and a million broken toes weren't enough for you?
Jake: In retrospect they were plenty, yes.

Jake: So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?
Captain Holt: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.
Jake: I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.

Jake: So, we broke a rule.
Amy: Yeah. Hope it wasn't a mistake.
Jake: "Hope it wasn't a mistake." Title of your sex tape. Oh! Title of our sex tape!

Amy: We're going to secretly record the Vulture telling you to dump me. Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin, and then-
Jake: We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other.
Amy: You get to keep your job.
Jake: Yes, that.

Amy: Oh, Captain Holt is here today!
Jake: Yes! Genius! He loves us and he's got tons of sway in the department.
Amy: He'll tell the Vulture to back down.
Jake: He'll be all "Vulture, I must INSIST that you DESIST."
Amy: I really think this is going to work. Also, if you ever want to bust out that Holt impression at home, I'd be okay with that.
Jake: Oh, okay. Duly noted. Super disturbing, but I'm definitely going to do it.

Jake: Okay, don't shoot! That's how people get shot.

Jake: Almost makes me wanna take things seriously all the time. But then I'm like "boobs, farts, boobs, whatever".

Jake: Yeah, I really wish he'd show up. I gotta go to the bathroom so bad.
Rosa: That's, like, the third time today, man. What is going on with you?
Jake: Oh, Amy freaked out 'cause I told her I never drink water so now she's making me drink eight glasses a day. It's, like, there's water in soda, there's water in coffee, there's little pools of water on pizza.
Rosa: That's grease, Jake.
Jake: Well, it's wet, isn't it?

Captain Holt: What's wrong with you?
Jake: Never took off the speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me!

Fire Marshall Boone: Why don't you back off and let New York's Bravest handle it?
Jake: You know they only call you that because New York's Best at Spraying Stuff with Water is too wordy.

Charles: How much did you spend on this date?
Jake: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

Charles: And then, a skywriter's gonnna write Charles loves V. I couldn't afford her full name.
Jake: First of all, Charles loves V means something very specific, and I'm gonna guess not what you're intending. More importantly, you're going Full Boyle.