Adrian Pimento: Four month? No, no, no. I watched this last night. That doesn't make any- Where am I? What is that table?
Jake: Calm down. You're at the Nine-Nine, and you know what a table is.
Adrian Pimento: I don't remember coming here. How did I get here?
Jake: Oh, my God. Pimento has "Memento" disease. Your memory is resetting like the guy from the movie "Memento."
Both: What?
Jake: You guys never saw "Memento"? It's the guy with no short-term memory, you know, Christopher Nolan's first movie.
Charles: Is it like Dory from "Finding Dory," she keeps forgetting where she's swimming?
Jake: No, no, it's like-
Adrian Pimento: Dory, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm like the forgetful little fish.
Jake: Oh, I mean, yeah, it's like that, but it's also like-
Charles: That's what Dory says.
Adrian Pimento: Classic Dory, Jake!
Jake: Ugh, you guys really ruined the coolness of this "Memento" thing.
Adrian Pimento: Also, Jake, "Following" is Christopher Nolan's first movie. You sound like a grade A[bleep] out here.

Jake: It just doesn't make any sense. I mean, you love "The Dark Knight," you love "Inception," and you haven't even seen "Memento"?
Adrian Pimento: Jake, I don't know what to tell ya. I spend a lot of time in jungles, you know. They don't exactly get movies like that. It's usually big blockbusters like "Finding Dory."
Charles: 486 million domestic.
Adrian Pimento: When you factor in international, 1.2 billion.

Charles: Look, Adrian, we don't have a ton to go off on here. What else has been going on in your life?
Adrian Pimento: Normal stuff. Ooh, I got hired as a PI by the Countess Luann from "Real Housewives." I ended up sleeping with her in a tiny hotel Jacuzzi. I also microwaved a watermelon just to see if it would explode.
Jake: Okay, this is immediately unhelpful, but did the watermelon explode?
Adrian Pimento: It just cracked and got hot.
Jake: Oh.
Adrian Pimento: Total bust.

Jake: Hey, maybe one of your PI cases is the reason you got attacked.
Adrian Pimento: I thought of that too, but I doubt it. You know, they're all the same, kinda boring. It's some redheaded lady wants me to hack her husband's phone to see if he's cheating with a spin instructor named Kendra.
Jake: It seems a little specific that they would all be like that, but okay.

Charles: Where is that coming from?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, my God, there's a bomb in my chest!
Jake: What?
Adrian Pimento: They put a bomb in my chest!
Charles: What do we do?
Adrian Pimento: Wait a second, the sound's coming from my little watch.
Charles: You just assumed there was a bomb inside you?

Adrian Pimento: It says, "Take pill, right jacket po"- I've never seen these before in my life.
Jake: This was filled three days ago. This doctor must be treating you for your...
[cut to:]
Dr. Jones: "Finding Dory" Disease, that's what most people call anterograde amnesia.
Charles & Adrian Pimento: Just keep swimming.
Dr. Jones: Exactly, that's what I tell my patients, just keep swimming.

Charles: Look, this morning, Pimento was screaming about someone trying to kill him. Has he said anything like that to you?
Dr. Jones: He has, but I've seen him every day for weeks, and I haven't noticed any new injuries, but the medication he's on may be making him paranoid.
Jake: Really? Because he doesn't-
Adrian Pimento: [screams] There's a bomb in my chest!
Jake: Right, he does keep doing that.

Adrian Pimento: I got a way better job now. I'm working at one of those fancy hand lotion stores. Spoiler alert: I have a gun again, and I've gotten to use it three times. You would be surprised how often teenage girls try and shoplift mango hand cream.

Adrian Pimento: I'm an insurance investigator now.
Charles: I thought you were in Alaska.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yeah, I was after Rosa and I broke up. But then I accidentally killed a "protected buffalo", self-defense. Next thing I know, Fish and Game are all over my ass. I ended up in a fight with a bear, and I had to think to myself, why am I even here?
Jake: Wait a minute. You fought a bear?
Adrian Pimento: Big time. The trick on that: head-butt him in the penis, push him over a cliff.
Jake: Ah, I bet that works with a lot of animals.
Adrian Pimento: Only the male ones. Learned that the hard way.

Adrian Pimento: Anyway, you know that if you guys want to get in touch with me, there's easier ways than burning down your truck, right?
Charles: What? Burning down my truck?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, it's obviously arson, you did it, you're not gonna get a dime and are probably gonna go to jail. So what's going on with you guys? Give me that juicy Nine-Nine goss, am I right?

Adrian Pimento: Say it with me, Jake. You've been-
Jake: Denied!
Adrian Pimento: Butt-slammed!
Adrian Pimento: Wait, what?
Jake: Denied, like the stamp?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, that is so much better. "Butt-slammed" is so stupid.

Adrian Pimento: First you cut me out of your lives, then you try and get me fired? My therapist was right about you guys. You're a couple of dinguses.
Jake: You have a therapist?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, he's helping me work on my rotator cuff.
Charles: Oh, I see, it's a physical therapist.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, he's very physical, Charles. Very physical.

Adrian Pimento: Oh, is that right, Jake? Are we still friends? If that's the case, then when did I lose my virginity?
Jake: Oh, man, you've told us so many intense graphic sex stories.
Adrian Pimento: I have! But a true friend always remembers a friend's first.
Charles: Jake, we know this! It's got to be one of the swamps. Uh, Florida swamp, or Okefenokee Swamp, or oh, was it a bayou?
Jake: No, no, no! I've got it. Summer of '91, at a screening of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves".
Adrian Pimento: Well done. It was Bryan Adams' soundtrack and Kevin Costner's flawless British accent that put us in the mood to get gross.

Adrian Pimento: What the hell? How come I didn't know? I thought we were supposed to be friends. Oh, wait a minute. Did this, like, just happen?
Jake: Well, it was at Halloween.
Adrian Pimento: Wha- no, that's so long ago! Charles, are you just finding out about this too?
Charles: No, I was there.
Adrian Pimento: You were there? Who else? Who else got to be a part of this?
Jake: Nobody, you know, just Holt, and Terry, and Rosa.
Adrian Pimento: Okay.
Jake: And Hitchcock and Scully.
Adrian Pimento: Seriously?
Jake: And this creepy guy named Bill.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, come on! I'm the creepy guy that's supposed to be at stuff that you have happen.

Jake: So, Adrian, how's life as an insurance investigator?
Adrian Pimento: It's amazing. At Gray Star Mutual, they let me do whatever I want, as long as I'm getting that job done, and you know I am. Last week, I waterboarded a dude.
Jake: Oh, that's not legal.
Adrian Pimento: Doesn't matter. I'm not a cop.