Charles: This says your bank account number is 432211378, then just under that, "Someone saw this and stole your money."
Adrian Pimento: Aw.
Jake: Ew. This just says, "Don't trust your D."
Adrian Pimento: Okay, well, that's good advice. My D does get me in a lot of trouble.
Jake: Are you sure that's what the D stands for?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, it's for sure my dong. It could tell some stories: Costa Rica in '98, Nam.
Jake: It's coming up.

Charles: Okay, Adrian, there's very little evidence to go on, so we should take a look at your PI case files.
Adrian Pimento: Don't have any. Keep everything right up here in the old steel- Where am I? What is this bed?
Jake: And his memory's resetting. All right, Adrian, someone's trying to kill you.
Adrian Pimento: Uh-huh.
Jake: You have a memory disorder.
Adrian Pimento: That makes sense.
Jake: Like in the movie "Memento."
Adrian Pimento: I haven't seen that!
Charles: It's like "Finding Dory."
Adrian Pimento: Oh, now I know exactly what's going on. Thank you, Charles.

Charles: Where is that coming from?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, my God, there's a bomb in my chest!
Jake: What?
Adrian Pimento: They put a bomb in my chest!
Charles: What do we do?
Adrian Pimento: Wait a second, the sound's coming from my little watch.
Charles: You just assumed there was a bomb inside you?

Charles: Look, this morning, Pimento was screaming about someone trying to kill him. Has he said anything like that to you?
Dr. Jones: He has, but I've seen him every day for weeks, and I haven't noticed any new injuries, but the medication he's on may be making him paranoid.
Jake: Really? Because he doesn't-
Adrian Pimento: [screams] There's a bomb in my chest!
Jake: Right, he does keep doing that.

Jake: So what do you think caused Pimento's memory loss?
Dr. Jones: Probably years of repeated head trauma. I've been working as a neurologist for over two decades, and I have never seen a patient with more traumatic head injuries.
Jake: Well, doesn't look so bad.
Dr. Jones: The red is the good parts.
Jake: Oh, my God. Oh, I guess it does make sense. Pimento lives pretty hard.
[flashback:]
Adrian Pimento: I locked my keys in the car again. I guess I'll have to smash the window.
Jake: Actually, I got a hammer in my car.
[back:]
Adrian Pimento: Come on, everybody knows the skull is the hammer of the body.
Dr. Jones: Yeah, that's not true.
Adrian Pimento: What? Really? Okay, well, then this is on me.

Adrian Pimento: It says, "Take pill, right jacket po"- I've never seen these before in my life.
Jake: This was filled three days ago. This doctor must be treating you for your...
[cut to:]
Dr. Jones: "Finding Dory" Disease, that's what most people call anterograde amnesia.
Charles & Adrian Pimento: Just keep swimming.
Dr. Jones: Exactly, that's what I tell my patients, just keep swimming.

Charles: Look, Adrian, we don't have a ton to go off on here. What else has been going on in your life?
Adrian Pimento: Normal stuff. Ooh, I got hired as a PI by the Countess Luann from "Real Housewives." I ended up sleeping with her in a tiny hotel Jacuzzi. I also microwaved a watermelon just to see if it would explode.
Jake: Okay, this is immediately unhelpful, but did the watermelon explode?
Adrian Pimento: It just cracked and got hot.
Jake: Oh.
Adrian Pimento: Total bust.

Jake: Hey, maybe one of your PI cases is the reason you got attacked.
Adrian Pimento: I thought of that too, but I doubt it. You know, they're all the same, kinda boring. It's some redheaded lady wants me to hack her husband's phone to see if he's cheating with a spin instructor named Kendra.
Jake: It seems a little specific that they would all be like that, but okay.

Adrian Pimento: All I know is, I woke up in a pool of my own blood next to a metal chair that had a dent in it the same shape as my head.
Charles: What were you doing before the attack?
Adrian Pimento: I was sitting in said metal chair watching the season two premiere of "The Masked Singer." The Egg had just gone, and I'm pretty sure I know who it is, Sara Gilbert.
Jake: That doesn't make any sense.
Adrian Pimento: Are you kidding? You don't think I know how Darlene walks?
Jake: No, no, no, no, I'm sure you do, it's just "The Masked Singer" ended four months ago. I still can't believe that the Bowl of Ramen wasn't Dikembe Mutombo.

Adrian Pimento: Jake!
Jake: Oh, my God, is that-
Adrian Pimento: Boyle!
Charles: It does sound like-
Adrian Pimento: It's me, Adrian Pimento.
Jake: Yeah, we know. Hi, Adrian. How are you?
Adrian Pimento: Very bad, someone's trying to kill me.

Adrian Pimento: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait for me! I'm here, I'm here. Okay, I followed you here all the way on my bike.
Captain Holt: We were going very fast.
Adrian Pimento: I know. I'm still pretty coked up. Let's do this, Nine-Nine!
Captain Holt: You are not a police officer. You're not part of this mission.
Adrian Pimento: Right, okay. Well, I'm just gonna go in this bank and cash a check. Whatever happens happens. Am I right?

Adrian Pimento: Guys, I'm telling you. The fake snorting can work. Watch.
[sniffs] Oh. [coughing] Oh, I got so much that time. [laughs] Whoa, ooh, anybody wanna listen to Jamiroquai right now?
Jake: Okay, I'm just gonna move this away from your nose holes.

Adrian Pimento: Oh, my God, you really punched me. Oh, my God, that hurt.
Jake: Are you okay?
Adrian Pimento: What? Yeah, this is my character. I'm a coward. Come on. Give me everything you got.

Jake: So, Adrian Working from home, hum? What happened to the office?
Adrian Pimento: Couldn't afford the rent. I'll be honest with you guys, this PI thing is not going great. Got a couple of bad reviews online, and that pretty much tanked me. I mean, what does "weird energy" even mean? Am I right?
Captain Holt: Well, my guess is that people find you somewhat threatening and erratic.
Adrian Pimento: Okay, yeah. That tracks.

Jake: Well, that's all well and good, but we're not actually dirty. We can't just beat somebody up.
Adrian Pimento: What if that someone gave you permission?
Rosa: Babe, do you want us to beat you up?
Adrian Pimento: Ugh, yes, please. Anything to feel alive. I was lying before about enjoying walking. It sucks, and Maryland is a giant pile of garbage.