Adrian Pimento: But jokes on them 'cause I'm having tons of fun with all this free time. Catching up on reading, going for walks. It's great. The other day, I walked all the way to Maryland. Gorgeous.

Jake: Well, listen, we need your help.
Adrian Pimento: Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.
Rosa: No, babe, we don't want you to kill anyone.
Adrian Pimento:What? Really?
Rosa: No.

Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Adrian Pimento: No, no, no, I don't mess with computers, okay? Ever since I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, I was like, no thank you. I'm done with this.

Captain Holt: Listen, mister, I didn't give you that money so you could throw it away. I want it back. We're gonna pay your bookie a visit.
Adrian Pimento: What?
Captain Holt: And so help me God, you better hope I don't miss the "in memoriam."
Adrian Pimento: If it's dead dogs you wanna see, I know where to get my hands on dozens of them.

Adrian Pimento: I don't know what I'm gonna do. I guess I could be a teacher.
"Sorry, Travis, the answer's obviously Istanbul."
"What did you say to me?"
"No, maybe you're wasting your life."
"Sorry, Principal Ramos, I didn't see you there."
"Wait, Travis is your son? Hah, well, I guess you're just gonna have to fire me."
"Fired? Me? How dare you, sir."
"We will settle"-
See, it just wouldn't work.

Rosa: Also, in just 14 hours Amy put together the most amazing non-wedding wedding in history.
Amy: Better than "Sleepless in Seattle".
Adrian Pimento: Nope. That is also Nora Ephron. Kill yourself.

Adrian Pimento: Shut up! Thank you for the presents. We're keeping them.
Rosa: All of them.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, if you got a problem with it, come talk to us in the parking lot.

Adrian Pimento: All right, we have an announcement to make. We're not getting married.
All: Aww!
Rosa: You can shove those "awws" up your butts.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, or I'll come out there, and I'll do it for ya!

Adrian Pimento: I was my own sign the whole time? Wow, that's a real M.
Night Shyamalan twist- Oh! [snaps] "Signs"! [Jake and Gina gasp] Wait, do you think he's behind all of this?
Jake: I do not.

Jake: Look, I spent the whole day denying the fact that there were signs, but I was wrong. They were actually there.
Adrian Pimento: So far, duh.

Jake: Hey, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah.
Jake: We gotta talk.
Adrian Pimento: Really? Right now? I'm working on my vows. Hey, what rhymes with juicy heinie?
Jake: Nothing. Nothing rhymes with that. I would cut that line.
Adrian Pimento: But that's all I have.

Jake: Are you sure it's the same necklace?
Adrian Pimento: Uh, yeah, Jake. I once punched it through a guy's throat, so I'm pretty sure I remember it.

Jake: Suck it, universe!
Gina: Are you crazy? Why would you even say that?
Adrian Pimento: Come on, man!

Adrian Pimento: The sign was real. If I ignore it and marry Rosa anyway, I'm basically asking the universe to stomp on my balls.