Captain Holt: So this is Jocelyn?
Rosa: I'm glad you got to meet her. For the record, I wasn't keeping her from you because I was afraid you were gonna hurt her feelings by being judgy. I think it's hilarious when you're judgy. It's because I was afraid you weren't gonna like her. You and I are close, and I- I value your opinion.
Captain Holt: Well, she seems great, in our limited interaction.
Rosa: Maybe you could get to know her better over Kevin's rice this weekend?
Captain Holt: That would be great. You might want to save your girlfriend. She's talking to Hitchcock.
Rosa: Damn it. Hitchcock!

Amy: Hey, sir, I'm just here at the hospital with Jake, and I think he could use some-
Captain Holt: Oversight? Agreed. [hangs up]

Captain Holt: I have a variety of timers. Do you prefer a buzz or a ding?
Jake: Don't care.
Amy: Ding.

Dean Wesley Allister: So is policeman Raymond joining the case?
Jake: Actually, he's leading it. Captain Holt is the finest investigator I've ever worked with. Sir, tell him our plan of action.
Captain Holt: ... ... ... Clues.
Jake: Okay, you're freezing up. I'm just gonna take the wheel for now. There were no signs of forced entry, the only people with access to the archives were the professors in the department, and they all have alibis, which means-
Captain Holt: I don't know what you want me to say.
Jake: Okay, that's my fault for throwing it to you again. Which means we need to examine the crime scene. It is there that we will find what Captain Holt has so eloquently described as-
Dean Wesley Allister: Clues?
Jake: Sir, you just said it.

Captain Holt: Maybe the thief stood on something, like one of these drawers. Turn off the light. Maybe something will show up under UV. [Jake turns off the light, Holt shines a UV light] Bingpot!
Jake: A footprint. You did it, you brilliant bimbo.

Captain Holt: No, no, save your schemes. I know exactly how to get back at the dean. By arresting him.
Jake: For what? It seems pretty obvious that Port did it.
Captain Holt: No, no, that makes no sense. Why would someone steal something valuable and then leave it in their desk?
Jake: I feel like this is a veiled shot at me for leaving the crown in my desk during the third Halloween Heist.
Captain Holt: It is.
Jake: Oh.

Captain Holt: Parmenion was a close advisor to Alexander the Great. Alexander suspected that Parmenion was trying to supplant him, so he executed him.
Jake: He was getting rid of his rival. Sir, you cracked it! You and your big hard brain.
Captain Holt: Hard?
Jake: Yes! You have the biggest, hardest brain on Earth, and I want you to say it. Say "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is rock hard."
Captain Holt: A brain shouldn't be hard. If anything, I'll say, "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is soft and wet."
Jake: No, don't say that. It's gross and I hate it. All right, let's go do some cop stuff.

Dean Wesley Allister: I'm surprised you didn't know about them. Kevin must have gotten a pair. Oh, I remember what happened. You had to leave the Christmas party before they were handed out. Why was that again? Oh, yes. The kerfuffle.
Jake: But what about the autobiography of Persimminons you were taunting us with?
Dean Wesley Allister: I suppose I can see how holding any book would seem like a taunt to you.
Jake: I own a book.
Dean Wesley Allister: But I don't think Raymond is remembering the story correctly. Alexander didn't see Parmenion as a rival. He killed him over a dispute about his son.
Jake: Oh, no, it's Boethius all over again.
Dean Wesley Allister: At least you got one thing right. You do have a rock hard brain. Because that's bad. Everyone knows that a brain should be soft and wet.
Captain Holt: I wanted to say that, but Jake told me not to.
Jake: Yeah, because it's gross.

Sergeant Knox: The NYPD servers have internal backup batteries. Even if we unplug them, they'll stay on for another two hours.
Captain Holt: As a captain, I have an override code I can use to wipe the servers clean so there'd be no information for the hackers to steal, but there's one problem, Jake.
Jake: Yes, sir?
Captain Holt: You still have something in your teeth. You tried to get rid of it, but it's made it much more prominent.
Jake: Why would you stop everything just to tell me that?
Captain Holt: It's very distracting.

Captain Holt: I'm conducting a statistical analysis to get a more nuanced understanding of which areas in our jurisdiction need greater police presence with a hope of developing a formula that- What on Walden Pond is this?

Captain Holt: Honestly, given the hole that you've put him in, he needs more expert help than I can provide. But, there is a boarding school in Switzerland that would be a perfect fit for him. He can enroll immediately.
Charles: In Switzerland? I'd never see him.
Captain Holt: Then uproot your life and move there with him. No one here would miss you.

Captain Holt: Boyle, may I speak with you for a minute?
Charles: Sure, I was just googling "good toys for normal children."
Captain Holt: Nikolaj may not be a genius, but he's a very bright child. And on top of that, you were right. He's also a very gifted artist. Look what he did to my periodic table. Sure, it's a bit derivative of Kandinsky, but the palette shows an impressive comprehension of color theory.
Charles: And he's good at clouds, too.
Captain Holt: Okay.

Captain Holt: What you need, Sergeant, is to distract yourself. NPR has a riveting six hour interview with Eileen Moon Myers.
Rosa: Nobody knows who that is.
Captain Holt: Nobody knows the Associate Principal Cellist in the New York Philharmonic? [SNORTS] Okay.

Captain Holt: Neither of you won because Jake swapped out the real championship cummerbund-
Jake: Belt.
Captain Holt: For the treacly proposal one.
Jake: What? I thought everyone loved that I used the heist to do the proposal.
Captain Holt: You are wrong. Everyone hated it but it helped me win.

Captain Holt: During your engagement celebration, I snuck back and found the original cummerbund.
Jake: Belt.
Captain Holt: It's hanging up in my living room at home.