Captain Holt: Wait, I will only do this under one condition. Sergeant Jeffords agrees that this will help his nerves.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I mean, I would like to take my mind off the test. And maybe I'll win this year.
Captain Holt: Ah, the heist is already working. Sergeant Jeffords has recovered his sense of humor.

Captain Holt: I'm texting Kevin to bring the cummerbund. You'll see who the real winner is, you braggy breeders.

Captain Holt: If I have a fake and you have a fake, who took the real bracelet?
Kevin: I did.
Captain Holt: Kevin?
Kevin: I swapped out Mr. Hootsworth for a fake while you were arguing with Peralta.
[flashback:] How many cummerbunds are you holding right now? Zero! It's one bund to none, son!
[present:]
Captain Holt: You betrayed me? But why?
Kevin: I can't have more of these trophies in our home. The cummerbund was already in the living room. What's next, a rusty medical bracelet suspended above our bed?
Captain Holt: Yes!

Captain Holt: To Terry Jeffords, the ultimate human being slash genius. Nice work Lieutenant.
[everyone cheers]
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks, squad!
Captain Holt: Also the next heist will be at Halloween, so you'll only be champion for six months. This is half a win at best.
Jake: Sounds about right, yeah.
Amy: Yeah.
Jake: Pretty garbage.

John Kelly: So Rinaldi had his trigger-man stealing hearts so he could have a transplant. That is fun. Good job, Ray.
Captain Holt: Thank you, Commissioner Kelly. We couldn't have done it without your...
Jake: Sir, you're doing the trailing off thing again.
Captain Holt: Help.

Jake: Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.
Captain Holt: Dry beans?
Jake: Sure.

Jake: Will you calm down? She works at One Police Plaza. All you have to do is run into him.
[fantasy:]
Madeline Wuntch: Commissioner Kelly.
John Kelly: Oh, Madeline. I didn't see you there. I thought you were an old leather chair.
[reality:]
Jake: He's not gonna say that.
Captain Holt: He might.

Captain Holt: Well, well, well. Commissioner.
Madeline Wuntch: Still not used to hearing that. Of course, I'm only acting commissioner until they choose someone permanent.
Captain Holt: Might well be you. After all, you brought down John Kelly. Wonder what he's doing now.
Madeline Wuntch: He's got a much higher-paying job in the private sector.
Captain Holt: Yes, the world is horrible.

Captain Holt: Nobody's going to Staten Island.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, damn, I get it. I'll come to you.
Captain Holt: No, you're staying here at the Nine-Nine. I just talked to Madeline Wuntch. She's making a personnel change, which frees up some room in the budget.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really?
Rosa: What kind of personnel change?
Captain Holt: I told her that I'd only spent a month as a patrolman before I made detective. She said that's against regulations and has decided to rectify the situation.
Jake: Rectify it how?
[cut to Captain Holt signalling traffic in the middle of a busy intersection]

Captain Holt: Detective, I thought I saw a clue on the sidewalk. I apologize for not properly securing the scene.
Jake: No need to apologize, I wasn't even that mad.
Charles: You said you wanted whoever messed up off the case.
Jake: It doesn't matter. The point is, no one needs to get in trouble.
Captain Holt: Look, you don't have to pity me just because Madeline Wuntch demoted me for a year. I've been stripped of my accomplishments and lost the respect of everyone in my life including my dog.
Jake: Cheddar? No.
Captain Holt: Yes! Now, he only poops for Kevin.
Jake: Oh, sir.

Officer Debbie Fogle: Okay, I know you haven't done this in a while, so here's a tip keep your hat on. Because of all the standing still, the pigeons think we're statues and they will poop on you or peck you. Both are bad.
Captain Holt: Thank you for the helpful tip.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, I've got a ton of them. They're mostly about the dangers of standing. A year on the beat without prescription insoles can take two years off your life.
Captain Holt: Any way to speed the process up?
Officer Debbie Fogle: [laughs] Okay, I've got a funny guy for a partner. But seriously, you have to monitor your foot health. I'll gonna send you a pedometer app that I use. You're gonna love it. It has robust social features. We can give each other "foot-fives"!
Captain Holt: No, thank you, I keep count of my steps in my head, like a normal person. I'm up to 6,743 for the day.

Captain Holt: And if the shooter's watching, I hope you like living between St. Charles Place and Connecticut Avenue.
Chris Reneaux: Because that's where jail is in "Monopoly." A great line from a great man, or should I say, Manhunter.
Jake: Yeah, he overstepped.

Officer Debbie Fogle: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die before I ever got to find my twin sister's killer.
Captain Holt: What?
Officer Debbie Fogle: That's the reason I joined the force, remember? To find the man who murdered my twin sister. That's my whole story!
Captain Holt: Debbie, there's no way you told me that.

Officer Debbie Fogle: If I die, will you look after my cat?
Captain Holt: I'm really more of a dog person.
Officer Debbie Fogle: I understand.

Captain Holt: Point is, you were right. I hijacked the case because.. I need to feel respected.
Jake: Listen, it's weird that I'm your boss now, and that's not going anywhere, but no matter what uniform you wear, I'm always gonna love you. I mean, cherish I mean, respect. You said respect, right?
Captain Holt: Yes.
Jake: Yep.
Captain Holt: And I feel the same about you.