Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, sir. That's ridiculous. You're on the cutting edge. In fact, you're so progressive, they were scared to make you Police Commissioner. [machine beeping] You're as modern as they come. What is that noise?
Captain Holt: It's my fax machine.
Charles: Oh, Captain.

Captain Holt: All right, people, your suspect's name is Ernest Zumowski, better known as the Disco Strangler. Take a close look. This is the most dangerous man in America. 5'8", hunched over, 93 pounds with gray hair and blue-gray skin. If you encounter him, keep your distance.
Geoff Havili: All due respect, sir, seems like a lot of manpower to take down one sweet-looking old man.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, he's sweet, all right. Sweet as poison pie.
Charles: Yeah, don't underestimate him! I know 28 other people who did that, and they all have yo-yos swinging from their throats.
Captain Holt: So you were listening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, we were saying that all along.
Captain Holt: Thank you, gentlemen. All right, troops. Travel in twos. Keep your eyes open, and for God's sake, protect the neck.

Charles: It's Captain Holt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Holt? He was the worst one! No offense, but Holt was so unconvincing. He kept referring to his childhood as a soot-covered street urchin.
Captain Holt: Yes, I gave myself a Dickensian backstory, which apparently made quite the impression.

Charles: I'm sorry, Sarge. Honestly, I don't think I'm the right director to bring your vision of Maxwell Blaze to life.
Sergeant Jeffords: What does that even mean?
Captain Holt: It means you blew it. Walk away, Jeffords. Walk away.

Captain Holt: Believe me, they're perfect. They're about 5 1/2 pounds each, and they look so good smushed together. Or dangling.

Rosa: Isn't it that guy that led that seminar where you guys turned Boyle into a mummy, and then you pushed him down the stairs?
Amy: Whoa!
Captain Holt: Whoa!
Amy: Rosa. Easy. No one pushed Boyle down the stairs.
Captain Holt: Right. We may have plastered his eyes shut and left him to wander around blindly, but he fell down on his own. It was a classic accident.
Amy: Exactly.

Dr. Ronald Yee: Captain Holt, nice to see you again.
Captain Holt: Please, call me Raymond. Unless that feels weird. You don't have to. I'll answer to anything.

Dr. Ronald Yee: It tells the story of the first known use of forensic entomology. A farmer was slashed to death. A local judge asked everyone in the town to lay down their sickles. And though they all appeared clean, one attracted a horde of flies. The insects could sense the blood, even though it was invisible to the human eye.
Captain Holt: Wow, what an arresting story.
Dr. Ronald Yee: Yes, they did arrest him.
Captain Holt: Oh. Oh, my. [laughs] We made a joke together.[laughs]

Rosa: Hey, why is Yee still here?
Sergeant Jeffords: Holt wants him to hand in his case report in person. I think he's trying to trick him into going to lunch with him.
[in his office:]
Captain Holt: Wait. It's noon? If I didn't know better, I'd say that was lunchtime.

Captain Holt: Diaz, Jeffords, Santiago would like to apologize to you for her behavior.
Amy: I thought we were both apologizing.
Captain Holt: Oh, I misunderstood. What would I be apologizing for?
Amy: The same thing as me?
Captain Holt: Really?

Rosa: You guys maybe want to have this conversation on your own?
Captain Holt: Yes.
[later:]
Captain Holt: Okay, we have come to a decision that we would both like to apologize. We should have trusted your instincts over Dr. Yee and his flies.
Rosa: And?
Amy: And we shouldn't have been so insulting.
Sergeant Jeffords: And?
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna apologize for your face. That mess is clearly on you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Fair enough.

Rosa: Sir, Jocelyn is not like us. She has feelings.
Captain Holt: Huh. Are you positive this is the woman for you?
Rosa: That is exactly the type of thing I don't want you to say in front of her.

Captain Holt: Hello, gentlemen. How is your day going?
Scully: Great. I just woke up from my morning nap. [stammers] I mean, my morning nap.
Captain Holt: It's fine. It's good to be rested at work.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Are you trying to prove that you can be nonjudgmental?
Captain Holt: Rosa, I didn't see you there. I was just having a friendly chat with my employees. So, uh, boys, tell me, what are you doing this weekend?
Hitchcock: Well, we're going to a sauce launch party at Wing Slutz.
Captain Holt: Sounds like a neat cultural event.
Hitchcock: They're introducing a new dairy-based sauce called Cream Dream.
Captain Holt: Mmm.
Scully: And everyone who comes gets a free bucket. You want to know what that's called?
Captain Holt: Of course I do.
Rosa: No, you don't. None of us do. You proved your point. If you want to meet Jocelyn so bad, you can. You win. [exits]
Hitchcock: Okay, well, that's Friday night. Now, every Saturday morning, we go to the public baths.
Captain Holt: I get it. You lead colorful lives. Let's end this, shall we?

Sheena: I can't believe it's taken so long for us to meet. You're so nice.
Captain Holt: Oh, I don't know about that, Jocelyn. I'm just being myself.
Sheena: Well, you're very sweet about the cosmetology thing. A lot of people are dismissive of hairstylists.
Captain Holt: It makes no sense. If we didn't have hairstylists to cut our hair, our hair would be far too long.
Sheena: [laughs]
Rosa: Wow, great compliment.

Captain Holt: Almonds, nice choice.
Jocelyn: Oh, thanks. They're, uh they're not for me. They're for my girlfriend, Detective Diaz.
Captain Holt: Oh, you must be Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: What? No, I'm Denise. Who's Jocelyn? Is Rosa cheating on me?
Captain Holt: Oh, my-
Jocelyn: No, that was a joke. I'm sorry, I thought it would be funny. I am Jocelyn.
Captain Holt: Oh, that was actually very funny. I didn't know what was happening, and then I thought I knew what was happening, but what I thought I knew was happening wasn't what was happening. That's very good.
Jocelyn: You must be Captain Holt.