Captain Holt Quotes Page 72 of 74

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Quote from the episode Ding Dong

Amy: Sir, over here.
Rosa: Where were you? Why are you holding the mean yelling speech?
Captain Holt: Because I'm gonna yell it, meanly. I wasted half my life hating that duplicitous hag, and she didn't even have the decency to truly hate me back. Well, screw her. I'm gonna ruin her memorial.
Amy: No, you can't do that. If you read that speech, you'll be fired.
Captain Holt: You're right. And that would ruin my career. And it's worth it. I'm giving the speech.

Quote from the episode Ding Dong

Rosa: So you guys are friends now?
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, it seems we have a great deal in common.
Adam Jarver: Well, one thing.
Both: Hating Wuntch. [both laugh]
Adam Jarver: I read him the obituary I wrote for her, but the "Times" wouldn't publish it. It had too many obscenities.
Captain Holt: And I read him my all caps speech.
Adam Jarver: And I loved it. It was like poetry.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Madeline smelled like dog crap.
[present:]
Adam Jarver: Raymond convinced me the best way to get back at Wuntch is to make sure he doesn't get fired. Also I'm just gonna chisel a penis onto her headstone.
Captain Holt: And I'm gonna watch.

Quote from the episode Ding Dong

Captain Holt: Good afternoon. On this sad day, I'd like to say a few words about Commissioner Wuntch.
[A giant video monitor above the altar comes on and plays a video of Captain Holt recorded moments earlier:]
Captain Holt: Madeline smelled like dog crap.
[present:]
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. I... I don't know what... [Adam waves] Adam, what are you doing?
Adam Jarver: I'm showing everyone your true colors, Raymond Holt. Enjoy the show, people!

Quote from the episode Ding Dong

Captain Holt: It's over.
Adam Jarver: Yeah, for you. Everyone who's anyone in NYPD just saw you for your true self. Your career is ruined, Ray-Ray.
Amy: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
Adam Jarver: I'm Madeline Wuntch's nephew. She sent me here to carry out the final phase of her master plan, and now it's all over. Wait, why are you smiling?
Captain Holt: Because, Adam, this isn't the real memorial. It's all a ruse.
Adam Jarver: What?
Rosa: Yeah, what?
Captain Holt: I knew Wuntch had one final trick up her sleeve. I didn't know what it was, so I had to be prepared for anything. This whole thing was staged. None of these people are real mourners. They're not even in the NYPD.

Quote from the episode Dillman

Captain Holt: Jeffords, evacuate the precinct. I'll contact the bomb squad.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no, wait. I think this actually might have been a prank that malfunctioned. Look, the box was connected to a tank of compressed air under the desk. It was supposed to shoot glitter at whoever opened it, but something must have clogged the pressure release valve, and the tank exploded.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow. The silver lining is no one got hurt.
Captain Holt: And the lead lining is that this prank caused significant property damage in the precinct.

Quote from the episode Dillman

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I know this is important, but I kinda gotta go. Cagney and Lacey's recorder concert's in an hour and I promised that I...
Captain Holt: No one leaves until the culprit is brought to justice.
Sergeant Jeffords: But they're playing "Uptown Funk."
Captain Holt: I wouldn't care if they were playing actual music.

Quote from the episode Dillman

Jake: I will not, however, in order to solve this case, we need the very finest of detectives, one with a unique set of skills, someone named...
Captain Holt: Dillman! I'll call Dillman!
Jake: Who?!

Quote from the episode Dillman

Captain Holt: Don't worry about Dillman. He's the best detective I've ever worked with.
Jake: Or you just keep talking him up because you don't want us to notice how weird it is that you brought in a friend to work the case.
Captain Holt: We're not friends. My only friends are James and Julian.
Jake: Hurtful, but I still think it's strange that you won't let me run the investigation... Unless, of course, there's something you're scared I might find.
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Jake: Where were you between 12:20 and 12:55?
Captain Holt: You aren't seriously suggesting that I am the prank man.
Amy: It does seem a little far-fetched, Jake. I mean, he did just use the phrase, "prank man."
Jake: It's not far-fetched at all. Holt is not the joyless robot that he once was.
Captain Holt: Is this about the time I ate a burrito? I was pressured into it.

Quote from the episode Dillman

Jake: My bag was sitting next to my desk. Anyone could have put that in there. That kind of evidence would never hold up at trial. You'd be laughed out of court.
Dillman: I've only been laughed at in court once, and that was because I made a terrific joke.
Captain Holt: I was there. It was hilarious.
Jake: Come on.

Quote from the episode Dillman

Captain Holt: It was good to see you today. I'll keep my ears open for any job opportunities that arise.
Dillman: Appreciate it. I could use it. Just got a text from Alyssa I've been fired by the Yarn Barn.
Captain Holt: Well, you still the best damn detective I've ever worked with.
Dillman: Thank you. Wait a minute. Your iris just contracted by 1/10th of a millimeter. You're lying.
Captain Holt: Yes, I've lost a lot of respect for you today.
Dillman: Understood. Goodbye, Raymond.

Quote from the episode Admiral Peralta

Captain Holt: But you would be wrong. This man has taught me something. He's taught me that music is about heart and soul. It's about perseverance. Despite everything I put him through, he showed up here today. And you would be a fool not to put him in your band.
Brenda Shawnks: Thank you, Captain. Lieutenant, what instrument do you play?
Sergeant Jeffords: The flute.
Brenda Shawnks: You're hired.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I haven't even played.
Brenda Shawnks: You're the only flute who auditioned. Welcome to the band.
Captain Holt: Yes! I did it!

Quote from the episode Valloweaster

Charles: This is incredible. How'd you do it, Rosa?
Rosa: Well, back on Halloween, I knew Jake would make the first move, and I had to be ready.
Jake: You were hiding in the fog. It wasn't Holt that put that chair in my pathway.
Captain Holt: No, I did. I wanted to be the one who was responsible for our victory.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: We already lost. There's no point in trying to maintain team morale now.
Jake: Dick.

Quote from the episode Lights Out

Sergeant Jeffords: Hello? Anyone? We're stuck in the elevator!
Captain Holt: Can't you yell any louder? Use those big strong lungs you're always flexing.
Sergeant Jeffords: These are my pecs.
Captain Holt: So this is all just for show then. It has no functional purpose.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, I am pretty strong.
Captain Holt: Good, then rip those doors open.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't do that.
Captain Holt: Oh, well at least you haven't dedicated a significant portion of your life to looking like this.

Quote from the episode Blue Flu

Captain Holt: Ah, there she is. My sweet secret prong three.
Rosa: What the hell?
Captain Holt: Oh, right. You weren't there when I explained Operation Trident.

Quote from the episode Blue Flu

Captain Holt: Here's where we stand. The Blue Flu continues. O'Sullivan and the union won't budge on their mouse-burrito demands. Also, arrests are down. Santiago, Jeffords, what on earth happened yesterday?
Amy: The new detectives won't do anything I ask. And I've had to work solo.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry. I was feeling a little sick, but I am much better now.
Captain Holt: You look like garbage. Now, I know you're trying to tough this out, but I've always believed that true toughness means acknowledging your own limitations. It's okay, Terry. Go home.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, sir. I'll be back in a jiffy. [stomach gurgles] [exits]
Captain Holt: I can't believe he bought that drivel. True toughness means working through pain. Everyone knows that.

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