Sergeant Jeffords: That sucks, Jake, but I don't think Captain Kim is a Trevor.
Jake: Oh, really? She could have had her choice of any precinct. Why would she choose this lame temporary posting here? I'll tell you why. Because Madeline Wuntch sent her.
Sergeant Jeffords: So what do we do?
Jake: I'm glad you asked. You know how she wants to have individual meetings with us to assess our "personal strengths" and help us "achieve our goals?"
Captain Holt: Stupid B.

Jake: Well, looks like we just found the key to exposing Captain Kim. ...
Captain Holt: It's the key that's in her pocket.
Jake: Yes, obviously that's what I meant.

Jake: Maybe you could create a drunken scene or something?
Captain Holt: Why? What would my motivation be for such poor behavior?
Jake: I don't know. Anything.
Captain Holt: No, I need something to draw from. Have I had a row with Kevin? Did something happen to Cheddar? Has a new captain moved into my precinct, usurped my position, and won the affection and admiration of people I've spent seven years building relationships with, people I once considered my chosen family, whom I foolheartedly hoped would provide me the unconditional support that I never got from my own flesh and blood?
Jake: I think you should go with the last one.
Captain Holt: Yeah, the last one seemed good.

Jake: Okay. You guys are being really intense. I like all of your kids an equal amount. Just give me some space and I'll figure out who I'm gonna take.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, backing off.
Charles: Stepping away.
Sergeant Jeffords: Making room.
Charles: Letting you breathe.
Jake: Thank you. [cell phone chimes] Did you both just send me pictures of your kids crying?
Both: No.

Captain Holt: Oh, no. I'm doomed.
Rosa: Seriously? All you have to do is not insult a dead woman at her own memorial service.
Captain Holt: Exactly. It's impossible.

Amy: Sir, over here.
Rosa: Where were you? Why are you holding the mean yelling speech?
Captain Holt: Because I'm gonna yell it, meanly. I wasted half my life hating that duplicitous hag, and she didn't even have the decency to truly hate me back. Well, screw her. I'm gonna ruin her memorial.
Amy: No, you can't do that. If you read that speech, you'll be fired.
Captain Holt: You're right. And that would ruin my career. And it's worth it. I'm giving the speech.

Rosa: So you guys are friends now?
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, it seems we have a great deal in common.
Adam Jarver: Well, one thing.
Both: Hating Wuntch. [both laugh]
Adam Jarver: I read him the obituary I wrote for her, but the "Times" wouldn't publish it. It had too many obscenities.
Captain Holt: And I read him my all caps speech.
Adam Jarver: And I loved it. It was like poetry.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Madeline smelled like dog crap.
[present:]
Adam Jarver: Raymond convinced me the best way to get back at Wuntch is to make sure he doesn't get fired. Also I'm just gonna chisel a penis onto her headstone.
Captain Holt: And I'm gonna watch.

Captain Holt: Good afternoon. On this sad day, I'd like to say a few words about Commissioner Wuntch.
[A giant video monitor above the altar comes on and plays a video of Captain Holt recorded moments earlier:]
Captain Holt: Madeline smelled like dog crap.
[present:]
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. I... I don't know what... [Adam waves] Adam, what are you doing?
Adam Jarver: I'm showing everyone your true colors, Raymond Holt. Enjoy the show, people!

Captain Holt: It's over.
Adam Jarver: Yeah, for you. Everyone who's anyone in NYPD just saw you for your true self. Your career is ruined, Ray-Ray.
Amy: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
Adam Jarver: I'm Madeline Wuntch's nephew. She sent me here to carry out the final phase of her master plan, and now it's all over. Wait, why are you smiling?
Captain Holt: Because, Adam, this isn't the real memorial. It's all a ruse.
Adam Jarver: What?
Rosa: Yeah, what?
Captain Holt: I knew Wuntch had one final trick up her sleeve. I didn't know what it was, so I had to be prepared for anything. This whole thing was staged. None of these people are real mourners. They're not even in the NYPD.

Captain Holt: I have to hand it to you, Adam. You almost fooled me, but no other man could possibly have what Wuntch and I had. We were star-crossed haters.
Adam Jarver: Whatever. I still inherit half her estate just for trying this.
Rosa: Cool. Who gets the other half of every child's nightmares?
Captain Holt: I love it, Rosa. Great work all day.

Captain Holt: Jeffords, evacuate the precinct. I'll contact the bomb squad.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no, wait. I think this actually might have been a prank that malfunctioned. Look, the box was connected to a tank of compressed air under the desk. It was supposed to shoot glitter at whoever opened it, but something must have clogged the pressure release valve, and the tank exploded.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow. The silver lining is no one got hurt.
Captain Holt: And the lead lining is that this prank caused significant property damage in the precinct.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I know this is important, but I kinda gotta go. Cagney and Lacey's recorder concert's in an hour and I promised that I...
Captain Holt: No one leaves until the culprit is brought to justice.
Sergeant Jeffords: But they're playing "Uptown Funk."
Captain Holt: I wouldn't care if they were playing actual music.

Jake: I will not, however, in order to solve this case, we need the very finest of detectives, one with a unique set of skills, someone named...
Captain Holt: Dillman! I'll call Dillman!
Jake: Who?!

Captain Holt: Don't worry about Dillman. He's the best detective I've ever worked with.
Jake: Or you just keep talking him up because you don't want us to notice how weird it is that you brought in a friend to work the case.
Captain Holt: We're not friends. My only friends are James and Julian.
Jake: Hurtful, but I still think it's strange that you won't let me run the investigation... Unless, of course, there's something you're scared I might find.
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Jake: Where were you between 12:20 and 12:55?
Captain Holt: You aren't seriously suggesting that I am the prank man.
Amy: It does seem a little far-fetched, Jake. I mean, he did just use the phrase, "prank man."
Jake: It's not far-fetched at all. Holt is not the joyless robot that he once was.
Captain Holt: Is this about the time I ate a burrito? I was pressured into it.

Jake: My bag was sitting next to my desk. Anyone could have put that in there. That kind of evidence would never hold up at trial. You'd be laughed out of court.
Dillman: I've only been laughed at in court once, and that was because I made a terrific joke.
Captain Holt: I was there. It was hilarious.
Jake: Come on.