Jake: My bag was sitting next to my desk. Anyone could have put that in there. That kind of evidence would never hold up at trial. You'd be laughed out of court.
Dillman: I've only been laughed at in court once, and that was because I made a terrific joke.
Captain Holt: I was there. It was hilarious.
Jake: Come on.

Captain Holt: It was good to see you today. I'll keep my ears open for any job opportunities that arise.
Dillman: Appreciate it. I could use it. Just got a text from Alyssa I've been fired by the Yarn Barn.
Captain Holt: Well, you still the best damn detective I've ever worked with.
Dillman: Thank you. Wait a minute. Your iris just contracted by 1/10th of a millimeter. You're lying.
Captain Holt: Yes, I've lost a lot of respect for you today.
Dillman: Understood. Goodbye, Raymond.

Captain Holt: But you would be wrong. This man has taught me something. He's taught me that music is about heart and soul. It's about perseverance. Despite everything I put him through, he showed up here today. And you would be a fool not to put him in your band.
Brenda Shawnks: Thank you, Captain. Lieutenant, what instrument do you play?
Sergeant Jeffords: The flute.
Brenda Shawnks: You're hired.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I haven't even played.
Brenda Shawnks: You're the only flute who auditioned. Welcome to the band.
Captain Holt: Yes! I did it!

Charles: This is incredible. How'd you do it, Rosa?
Rosa: Well, back on Halloween, I knew Jake would make the first move, and I had to be ready.
Jake: You were hiding in the fog. It wasn't Holt that put that chair in my pathway.
Captain Holt: No, I did. I wanted to be the one who was responsible for our victory.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: We already lost. There's no point in trying to maintain team morale now.
Jake: Dick.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hello? Anyone? We're stuck in the elevator!
Captain Holt: Can't you yell any louder? Use those big strong lungs you're always flexing.
Sergeant Jeffords: These are my pecs.
Captain Holt: So this is all just for show then. It has no functional purpose.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, I am pretty strong.
Captain Holt: Good, then rip those doors open.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't do that.
Captain Holt: Oh, well at least you haven't dedicated a significant portion of your life to looking like this.

Captain Holt: Ah, there she is. My sweet secret prong three.
Rosa: What the hell?
Captain Holt: Oh, right. You weren't there when I explained Operation Trident.

Captain Holt: Here's where we stand. The Blue Flu continues. O'Sullivan and the union won't budge on their mouse-burrito demands. Also, arrests are down. Santiago, Jeffords, what on earth happened yesterday?
Amy: The new detectives won't do anything I ask. And I've had to work solo.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry. I was feeling a little sick, but I am much better now.
Captain Holt: You look like garbage. Now, I know you're trying to tough this out, but I've always believed that true toughness means acknowledging your own limitations. It's okay, Terry. Go home.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, sir. I'll be back in a jiffy. [stomach gurgles] [exits]
Captain Holt: I can't believe he bought that drivel. True toughness means working through pain. Everyone knows that.

Captain Holt: Diaz, why the hush-hush meeting?
Rosa: Because in one minute, you're gonna be showing me your tramp stamp.
Captain Holt: I don't have a tramp stamp.
Rosa: Prove it. Show me your lower back.
Captain Holt: Hmm. Seems I didn't know what a tramp stamp was. But I'm not gonna show you anything until you've solved the case.
Rosa: Surveillance footage of McCaffery entering a pet store and buying a mouse an hour before he found it in his burrito.
Captain Holt: He set the whole thing up. Diaz, you did it.
Rosa: And now... my payment.

Jake: Okay, everything is all... What am I looking at?
Carol: Your friend here was very clumsy and he spilled on himself.
Jake: Well, we got everything we needed, but I can wait if Maxwell needs a little more time to dry off.
Captain Holt: No, no, no, I'm all dry now. We can leave.
Carol: Oh, wait, let me give you my number. I only have the landline, so if my son, Frankie, answers, hang up. He gets a little jealous.
Captain Holt: Not to worry, Mrs. O'Sullivan. Maxwell Maxwell is nothing if not discreet.
Carol: [pulls out gun] Not discreet enough.
Jake: Okay, look, I don't know what kind of freaky stuff you guys are into, but I want no part of it.

Jake: Let's just try to stay calm. I think you're making a big mistake here.
Carol: No, I'm not. He called me Mrs. O'Sullivan. That was my name three marriages ago. I'm Carol Shaughnessy now. If he's calling me Mrs. O'Sullivan, it's 'cause he knows who my son is and you're up to something.
Captain Holt: Carol, baby.
Carol: Don't "baby" me. Get down in the basement.
Captain Holt: Well, I always like going down.
Carol: I said move. I'm calling my son.
Jake: Feel like she considered it.

Captain Holt: I've just come back from One Police Plaza, and I have some good news.
Jake: The union voted and O'Sullivan's out?
Captain Holt: No, he was reelected for life, which I didn't think was technically possible.
Captain Holt: But the good news is, the commissioner has approved our police reform program and will be implementing it citywide.
Sergeant Jeffords: Citywide?
Charles: Wow!
Jake: That's amazing.
Captain Holt: Yes, I know. It is exciting. But there's no guarantee that it'll work. There's a lot of resistance to change. Nevertheless, it's our duty to try because if we don't, then we are truly lost. Which is why I will not be retiring. I have been appointed deputy commissioner of police reform.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I've made a terrible mistake. I am sorry about your pictures and your award and your computer...
Deputy Chief Williams: And yelling that I was wearing a wig and then trying to tear out my actual hair?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, that was a compliment! It's so thick and full for a man of your age.
Deputy Chief Williams: What?
Captain Holt: Let me handle this. The truth is, Lieutenant Jeffords acted like an irresponsible, insane madman.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Deputy Chief Williams: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Captain Holt: But looking at this incident from a different angle, it shows why he'll make a great captain. He's here before you owning his mistake. When I started at the Nine-Nine, I felt I had to be seen as infallible. But he taught me the importance of being seen as human. He made me a better leader. And you would be a fool not to make him a captain.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's touched.
Deputy Chief Williams: Yes, powerful words. As are these: happy heisting, suckas!
Both: What?
Deputy Chief Williams: Oh, you were right, this was a wig. [rips off wig] Ow. [exits]
Both: No!

Captain Holt: The meeting is beginning. The stakes are very high for me. I'm getting nervous. My stomach is in flux.

Captain Holt: How long you been planning this? A day? A week? A year? Or is this the only reason you joined the force to begin with?
Charles: So you think I became a cop just so I can steal your pie?
Captain Holt: Your words not mine.

Captain Holt: Diaz, if you were changing the oil in your bike for your big ride up the coast, then tell me, why is your tank only half full?
Rosa: You dipsticked my bike?
Captain Holt: That's not all I dipsticked.