Captain Holt: And, Boyle, out buying goose feet for Nickolaj?
Charles: Nikolaj.
Captain Holt: I found your grocery store receipt. No feet of any kind. But there was one purchase, a beverage that pairs perfectly with pie. One gallon of milk!

Captain Holt: This heist took three people. Lady Dipstick, Mr. Fib, and the Milk Man. The jig is up. Confess.

Captain Holt: I should have known you were lying. There's nothing better than a plain scone.

Captain Holt: Look how the pie was disposed of. Placed gently with two hands inside the bin. That's exactly how you always throw away garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: It is?

Philip Davidson: You don't think the fact that he skipped the opera has anything to do with him not believing in you?
Jake: [scoffs] He believes in me.
Philip Davidson: Okay. Why did he make you dumb cop?
Jake: He didn't make me dumb cop, not that it's any of your business. We agreed on it as a strategy.
Philip Davidson: Right, but why wasn't he dumb cop?
Captain Holt: Please. You never would have bought that.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: It's just that, um, between the two of us, you are more believable as a-
Jake: Dumb cop?
Captain Holt: Yes, dumb. Uh, the-the dumber of two smart options.
Philip Davidson: Wow. Rough.

Jake: I know, and I'm sorry you didn't have more fun this weekend. But it's not over, and we are still in Rochester.
Captain Holt: What are you saying?
Jake: I think you know what I'm saying.
[at the Rochester Thermometer Museum:]
Captain Holt: What a thermometer. Look at the mercury reservoir on that mamacita. Oh, Peralta, this is amazing. I'm floating on air.
Jake: Hey, everybody, get in for a picture. Excuse me, sir. Can you take a picture of us?
Captain Holt: Everybody say Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit.
Everybody: Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit.

Jake: It's one 12-hour shift.
What are you afraid is gonna happen?
Captain Holt: Injury, death, general calamity. Just don't burn the place down.

Sergeant Jeffords: Zeke is being nice to me for the first time ever because he thinks you're a jerk just like his boss. When we go downstairs, I want you to scream at me. I want you to really degrade me in front of my family.
Captain Holt: And this will make you happy?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's the best Thanksgiving gift you could give me.
Captain Holt: What an idiotic thing to say. What's a Thanksgiving gift? I'm just getting in the zone.

Captain Holt: I'm not sure you and Kevin will get along.

Captain Holt: Everybody has an alibi. How convenient. So I hope you're comfortable because I will keep you in here all day if necessary!
Officer: [knocks on door] We need the room to question someone - about the Red Hook homicide.
Captain Holt: Oh, no problem. We'll be right out.

Captain Holt: Do you know why I don't accept gifts?
Amy: Because you're so evolved, you don't need material things.
Captain Holt: Because I don't like brown-nosing.
Amy: Oh.
Sergeant Jeffords: Youch. That was hard to watch.