Captain Holt: Also, I'd like to reiterate my gift policy: none allowed. Enjoy this Merry Season.

Captain Holt: I have zero interest in food. If it were feasible, my diet would consist entirely of flavorless beige smoothies containing all the nutrients required by the human animal.

Charles: So our bank got new ATMs?
Captain Holt: I wouldn't know. I switched banks.

Charles: Try being more descriptive. I know you love Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. Why?
Captain Holt: Their components have a long shelf life, they're cost effective, and they're so simple a child could make them.

Captain Holt: You're a grown man, sergeant. Strong like an Oak.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's a pretty good tree.
Captain Holt: It's a mighty tree!

Captain Holt: Nothing's okay. Wuntch, circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?

Captain Holt: You said there was no mole. You said you knew everything about these people.
Jake: Well, it turns out I don't. I've learned some truly horrible things tonight. You were right and I was wrong.
Captain Holt: Goodness. Boyle is sleeping with Gina?
Jake: What? How could you possibly know that?
Captain Holt: "You were right and I was wrong". You must have been shaken to your core to say that to me. Boyle is your most trusted friend, so he has to be involved. Your use of the word horrible leads me to believe that the matter was sexual in nature, given your obvious immaturity.
Jake: I've had sex.
Captain Holt: And, of course, you would be most upset if Boyle were to have slept with someone you knew from your childhood. Thus, the solve: Gina and Charles.

Madeline Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Madeline. I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing. What brings you here?
Madeline Wuntch: I heard you were under investigation by Internal Affairs. Didn't wanna miss that.
Captain Holt: So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.

Captain Holt: Please don't joke around in there. I know you're used to riffing with me, but Internal Affairs detectives rarely have my sense of humor.

Captain Holt: I hope there's a lot of drug activity there. Of course, ideally there will be nobody taking drugs there or anywhere else in the district. But if drugs must be found, let it be there. Please God let it be there.

Jake: You were behind all this? You played me!
Captain Holt: Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.

Jake: But be warned, I started planning next year's heist just this minute.
Captain Holt: Good. Then you're only three months behind.

Jake: Hey there, Captain. Just curious, do you happen to know what today is?
Captain Holt: Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch floutist Franz Brüggen and a week ago was October 24th, I'd say today was-
Jake: It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween.
Captain Holt: It's Halloween.

Captain Holt: Just to clarify. If you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.
Jake: Correct.
Captain Holt: I'm doing a cost/benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs. We have reached an accord.

Captain Holt: Do you want to hear the funniest thing ever? I also split an infinitive and she didn't notice.