Chuck: I say we tie this NARC up, leave him to starve, and disappear with the diamonds.
Jake: Chuck.
Doug Judy: We're not doing that.
Jake: Thank you.
Doug Judy: It'll ruin my bachelor party.
Jake: That's your issue with it?
Doug Judy: I put a lot of work into this weekend. I got us all shirts that say, "Doug's Dudes."

Chuck: It's just weird that none of us have ever heard of him before.
Nathan: And we're paranoid because Doug still has that cop friend in the NYPD.
Doug Judy: That dude is not my friend.
Jake: Yeah.
Doug Judy: He dumb as hell.
Jake: Yeah.
Doug Judy: I'm always tricking him.
Jake: Well, not every time.
Doug Judy: Plus, he's short.
Jake: Everyone's short to you. You're a giant.
Doug Judy: Probably never even had sex.
Jake: Seems unlikely. He's an adult. But the point is, I'm Sean. Tall Sean.

Jake & Doug Judy: [singing karaoke] And you know It ain't fiction Just a natural fact Ooh We come together 'Cause opposites attract
Doug Judy: No applause? Wow.

Jake: Look, I can be cool. As long as nobody commits any major crimes in front of me.
Doug Judy: It's not a problem. We don't have to break the law to have fun. We gonna have some drinks, smoke some Cubans, eat a steak, either crazy big or crazy small, whichever's more expensive.

Doug Judy: Hey, you wanna try out the Smush Shush?
Jake: What? You have one with you?
Doug Judy: I take it everywhere, baby.
Jake: Yeah, there it is. So it's noise canceling? [groans] It's so heavy. It's crushing my bones.
Doug Judy: Yeah, that was the Shark's problem with it, too.
Jake: I can't breathe. Get it off me. Get it off me.
Doug Judy: Yeah, you sound exactly like Barbara right now. Disappointed in you, Jake.

Jake: This jet is insane. There's a private chef that'll make anything you ask for, no matter how expensive. I just ordered lobster enchanté.
Doug Judy: Oh, damn, what's that?
Jake: I don't know. I just said the fanciest words I could think of.
Doug Judy: Oh, I'm gonna get the Veal Prime Minister.

Mark Cuban: Doug Judy!
Doug Judy: Cubes! My man. Sean, I'd like you to meet the man whose private jet we are flying on today.
Jake: Yeah, you're Mark Cuban. How do you guys know each other?
Mark Cuban: Doug came on "Shark Tank" to pitch his idea for the Smush Shush.
Doug Judy: It's a noise-cancelling blanket for secret sex. The product demonstration did not go well.
Mark Cuban: Robert fainted. Anyway, enjoy the jet. Just bring it back in one piece, okay?
Doug Judy: No promises, Mark Cuban.
Jake: I mean, we do wanna make sure the airplane stays in one piece though, right?
Doug Judy: Nah, I saw, "Flight." If anything goes wrong, fly the plane upside down.
Jake: Oh, right, I forgot about "Flight," the movie, "Flight."

Doug Judy: So all is forgiven?
Jake: No! Why didn't you invite me?
Doug Judy: I wanted to, but a lot of people in my life are crooks and they think it's weird that I'm friends with a cop. They just don't understand. Kind of like... parents?
Jake: No, no more songs.

Jake: All right, look, Judy, I know you're getting married.
Doug Judy: Damn it, I didn't think you'd find out about that. Who told you, Ronnie? Bobby? Ricky? Mike?
Jake: Don't try and change the subject by tricking me into singing New Edition with you.
Doug Judy: I don't know what you're talking about. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike...
Both: [singing] If I like the girl who cares who you like
Doug Judy: Whoo!

Jake: So, what's going on? Anything exciting in your life that you maybe want to tell me about?
Doug Judy: I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs when they have to testify before Congress, so they don't look so racist. Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.
[flashback:]
Doug Judy: The texture of quiche is unsettling.
[present:]
Doug Judy: I got paid $75,000 for that nonsense.

Doug Judy: I'm so glad you called. Thanks for meeting me at my favorite establishment.
Jake: A place where you paint pottery?
Doug Judy: I find a hand-painted mug makes a thoughtful gift for any occasion.

Doug Judy: But, there is one detail you missed. You never saw what I was painting on the inside of my mug at the pottery place.
Jake: "Will you be my best man"? Judy, is this for real?
Doug Judy: It ain't fiction.... [singing] Just a natural fact
Jake: What!
Both: [singing] We come together 'cause opposites attract
Jake: I'll do it! [both shout]
Both: [rapping] Awww... I'm MC Kat on the rap, so Mic it Here's a little story and you're sure to like it
Jake: The worst rap!

Jake: So did you check out Judy's alibi?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, and surprisingly, it checks out. Last Saturday night, Doug was deejaying Joshy Greenbaum's bar mitzvah.
Doug Judy: That was a wild party. Auntie Karen is a freak.
Jake: Judy, you deejay bar mitzvahs?
Doug Judy: Best gig I ever had. No one likes hip-hop more than a 13-year-old Jewish boy.
Jake: Mm. So true.

Sergeant Jeffords: There is no copycat. You did it.
Doug Judy: Not me. I'm living that straight life.
Jake: Terry refuses to believe it. He thinks people can't change.
Doug Judy: Tell that to Bruce Banner's pants and shirt.
Jake: That's what I said.

Jake: Wait. The only way to catch a copycat is to team up with the original criminal.
Doug Judy: I'm back on the force! Give me a gun.