Charles: Doug's up by one. Jake, you need to answer the final question correctly. Otherwise, he wins. Doug, lay it on him.
Doug Judy: Hmm. [covers ear] Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um. What?
Doug Judy: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug Judy: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug Judy: I do have versatile ears.
Jake: Now I'm just seeing it pretty clearly with no earring. Ah, this is hard. But I'm gonna go with my gut and say... yes, you do have an earring. [Doug removes his hand] Nothing but lobe? This whole time?
Doug Judy: Since the day we met. [Jake groans]

Doug Judy: I guess I know you better after all.
Jake: Or do you?
Doug Judy: Wait, why are you smiling?
Jake: Because we played you! If you actually knew me, you would have known that I only agreed to do "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?" In order to stall.
Charles: I was in on it. "Estelle Minderman" is the code word we use for when there's a twist, because when Estelle hosts game night at the Senior Center, she always makes sure one of the games has a sexy twist.
Jake: And when I was writing my answers into my phone, I was secretly texting Captain Holt our vehicle description and location. Backup is already on the way. Wait, why are you smiling now?
Doug Judy: Because I played you. I knew you would text for backup. So I changed your contacts while I was DJ-ing.
[flashback:]
Doug Judy: Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift.
[present:]
Doug Judy: So when you were texting Captain Holt, you were actually texting Trudy Judy.
[flashback:]
Trudy Judy: "State troopers are on their way. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
[present:]
Doug Judy: Now my crew knows exactly where we are and exactly what we're driving. Because I know you mo'. Slurp, slurp.

Doug Judy: So that's how it is? When it's gonna end with me in prison, we can have a good time. But now it's gonna end with me riding off into the sunset a free man, and we're all moody?
Jake: You're not escaping. And if you did, I would lose my badge.
Doug Judy: Maybe it's for the best. You'd make a dope realtor.
Jake: I don't want to be a realtor.
Doug Judy: You're telling me you don't want to sell a penthouse to Zayn Malik and then party with him afterwards?
Jake: I mean... that does sound kind of cool.
Doug Judy: Next thing you know, you're the go-to guy for all of One Direction's property needs. [chuckles] Whoo!
Jake: No! There's too much tension between Zayn and the others. You're selling me a pipe dream.

Trooper Peyton: Captain Raymond Holt called in for backup. We're supposed to escort you to the prison.
Jake: Copy that. Thanks.
Trooper Peyton: What are y'all wearing?
Both: Tigers and toucans. Yessir.
Trooper Peyton: Interesting. And why isn't he cuffed?
Doug Judy: Uh, don't worry about it. Peralta knows I wouldn't physically overwhelm him. What's happening here is more of a mental overwhelmsion.
Jake: There's been no overwhelmsion of any kind.
Doug Judy: And yet I just tricked you into thinking "overwhelmsion" is a word.
Jake: [scoffs] No.

Doug Judy: What is my least favorite thing?
Jake: Meringue because it looks so much better than it tastes.
Doug Judy: It's a trick food!

Doug Judy: [on the phone] The point is I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I'm choosing to focus on the journey. [person speaking non-English language]
Jake: Wait a minute. What language was that?
Doug Judy: I don't know. Maybe Dutch. There's a lot of that in here. You know how active the Dutch mafia is in Jersey.
Jake: Judy.
Doug Judy: Okay, fine. Surprise! I'm in Amsterdam! I escaped from prison. My wife and I are living the life here now. Amsterdam is great. Jake, they got universal healthcare, legalized marijuana, and the workers are treated so much better. But you know what the best part is?
Jake: That you're a free man again.
Doug Judy: No. Stroopwafels. They're, like, these wafer cookies with caramel in between.
Jake: Oh, yeah, I think I've seen those at Trader Joe's.

Jake: I don't understand. How did this happen?
Doug Judy: Remember when I switched out your contacts? I also changed the destination in your GPS.
Jake: So we've been driving to the wrong place this whole time? Everything else was just a distraction?
Doug Judy: I wanted you to focus on the journey, not the destination.
Jake: Oh.
Doug Judy: Yeah. I got that from you.
Trudy Judy: Dumbass.
Doug Judy: He's not a dumb-ass, Trudy. It was a brilliant plan.
Trudy Judy: Yeah, that hinged on him handing you his phone and not noticing that he was driving directly to us.
Doug Judy: Yeah, but there was also some mental misdirection.
Jake: It was a bit of a chess match; it's true.
Trudy Judy: Yeah, a chess match with a dumb-ass.

Vince Michael Thompson: All right, we gotta move. Judys, you get in the SUV. I'll take care of the cop.
Jake: What do you mean, "take care of him"?
Vince Michael Thompson: Shoot him in the face.
Jake: What? Doug, who are these guys?
Doug Judy: I don't know. Trudy, who are these guys?
Trudy Judy: Well, your old crew split when you went legit, so I put a ad for goons on the internet.
Doug Judy: TaskRabbit?
Trudy Judy: Craigslist.
Doug Judy: Trudy, never contact Craigslist crooks.

Vince Michael Thompson: He's a cop. He's seen our faces.
Doug Judy: It's okay. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know your names.
Vince Michael Thompson: It's Vince Thompson.
Doug Judy: Don't tell him!
Jake: Look, I'm just after Doug, that's it. Yeah, he's gonna forget all about you, guy whose name I can't even remember.
Vince Michael Thompson: It's Vince Michael Thompson.
Doug Judy: What is wrong with you?

Jake: Look, Doug, I'm sorry it's gotta be like this. If you're mad at me, I get it.
Doug Judy: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I should never become friends with a cop. I mean, how'd I expect this to end?
Jake: [sighs] Well, regardless, thanks for saving me back there with the Estelle Minderman thing.
Doug Judy: I wasn't gonna let them hurt you, Jake. We're PB and J.
Jake: We're PB and J.
Doug Judy: Yeah.
Jake: I want to hug you, but you're cuffed.
Doug Judy: You can hug me. [they hug] Okay, you can take him. I'll see you soon.

Jake: [answers phone] Hello?
Doug Judy: Hey, Peralta. What's good?
Jake: Hey, Doug, are you okay?
Doug Judy: I wanted you to know, and I've been thinking about it a lot... I didn't mean what I said. I'm glad I met you. Sure, it ended badly, but we had some good times along the way too. We went on a cruise together.
Jake: We flew on Mark Cuban's jet.
Doug Judy: We ate at a restaurant next to Gail from Top Chef.
Jake: Yeah, and then you got so mad at her about Last Chance Kitchen.
Doug Judy: I wasn't mad. I just think it's insane that they make you go online to watch it.

Jake: So, what's going on? Anything exciting in your life that you maybe want to tell me about?
Doug Judy: I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs when they have to testify before Congress, so they don't look so racist. Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.
[flashback:]
Doug Judy: The texture of quiche is unsettling.
[present:]
Doug Judy: I got paid $75,000 for that nonsense.

Doug Judy: I'm so glad you called. Thanks for meeting me at my favorite establishment.
Jake: A place where you paint pottery?
Doug Judy: I find a hand-painted mug makes a thoughtful gift for any occasion.

Jake: All right, look, Judy, I know you're getting married.
Doug Judy: Damn it, I didn't think you'd find out about that. Who told you, Ronnie? Bobby? Ricky? Mike?
Jake: Don't try and change the subject by tricking me into singing New Edition with you.
Doug Judy: I don't know what you're talking about. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike...
Both: [singing] If I like the girl who cares who you like
Doug Judy: Whoo!

Doug Judy: So all is forgiven?
Jake: No! Why didn't you invite me?
Doug Judy: I wanted to, but a lot of people in my life are crooks and they think it's weird that I'm friends with a cop. They just don't understand. Kind of like... parents?
Jake: No, no more songs.