Jake: Hey, Dad, how's it going?
Roger Peralta: I'm fine. They reattached my thumb.
Amy: Oh, that's great. So you'll be able to fly again?
Roger Peralta: Yeah, that was never in doubt. You don't need thumbs to fly anymore. You just hit one button. The plane takes care of the rest.
Jake: I have to believe that's not true.

DC Parlov: This is my room, right over here. Listen, I need just a moment to clean up. I had a female visitor in earlier today dressed as Concubina. She got smears of green body paint all over everything. Everything.
Jake: He was talking about his penis.
Rosa: I know, Jake.
Jake: He pulls, Rosa. He pulls. That's all I'm saying.

DC Parlov: We both have books coming out this fall, and we have a rather public bet about whose is going to sell better. I believe he's leaking my manuscript online just to hurt my sales. You should arrest him.
Jake: Well, we're not going to do anything until we've seen all the evidence.
DC Parlov: If this book fails, that's the end of "Skyfire."
Jake: Let's go take this son of a bitch down!

Landon Lawson: Parlov is my enemy, but he's also his own enemy, because he's such a boring and repetitive writer. He just keeps killing off characters, resurrecting them, and killing 'em off again.
Jake: Because of the Chrysalis Orb! Uh, sorry. Police officer, on a case.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, Moorgil is the only person on both Parlov and Lawson's lists of potential enemies. Apparently, they each slept with his wife.
Rosa: How do these guys do so well with women?
Jake: Oh, I'm sorry they don't live up to your superficial standards of male beauty, Rosa. I'm kidding. It's because they're rich.

Rosa: So what are you gonna do about Parlov?
Jake: I don't know.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't know what?
Jake: Uh, how to do sex good. How much should I be flapping my arms around?
Sergeant Jeffords: Not much.
Jake: Right. Well, that settles that. I knew that Amy was wrong.

Jake: "Well, they stole their own books It's plain to see But who's on the case The Addams Family. Terry is Gomez, I'm Cousin It, You are Wednesday, let's do this" - Okay, we should go.

Jake: Yes, they're mortal enemies, which is why they think we'll never suspect them of being in cahoots. Oh, but they cahooted, Rosa. They cahooted all over us.
Rosa: Gross.

Rosa: Why'd they leak their chapters?
Jake: To get people excited, like when Carly Rae Jepsen puts out an amazing single, and you have to wait six weeks for the album to come out. She's great. I'm not apologizing.

Jake: Gah! Now I have to tell Sarge that his fantasy novel stinks. This is the hardest part of being a cop.

Sergeant Jeffords: I look back at my old cases and I can't believe how long it took me to figure things out.
Jake: Yeah, but you worked on it, and you kept working, and now, 12 to 40 years later - I don't have a good sense of your age - you're a great cop who got a "gut feeling" and solved a huge case.

Sergeant Jeffords: So you think I should keep writing?
Jake: I mean, you might not become a huge famous author, but you'll get better, and if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. Sheryl Crow, she's great. I won't apologize.

Charles: Hey, has anyone seen a worm? Because this funky chicken's hungry.
Jake: Charles, a man has died. Read the room!

Jake: That's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one. Okay, all 600 of these are great. We should probably head to the airport.

Jake: Come on, don't give up. If we get rescued right now and there's no traffic at the airport and the van return goes smoothly and security's super chill about all the guns we have, we could still make it.