Jake: Captain Holt, I know you've given up on your future, but I haven't. You're going to that interview.
Captain Holt: It's too late, Peralta.
Jake: Just put a sock in it, man! I'm doing this because of how much I care about you, so just stay the hell out of the way!

Jake: What? No, why? Just because we're eight people standing in the back of a cattle car?

Jake: You sabotaged us, Mr. Robot! Not the TV show, but the point is, you sabotaged us!

Captain Holt: I still don't know how we're gonna deal with the Murphy complication.
Jake: Two words: laser jails. But, you know, we'll figure it out.

Jake: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz! America's favorite couple!

Oscar Diaz: You seem nervous. Why?
Jake: Uhh, global warming. What a bitch, right? We all gon' drown.

Jake: Hey, so, I ran after you last night, but I lost you in the subway.
Rosa: I took a cab home.
Jake: Really? Well, then, I definitely terrified some random lady.

Captain Holt: This isn't one of your movie plans, is it?
Jake: First of all, if we had developed a "Minority Report" style pre-crime division like I suggested, we wouldn't be in this Seamus mess, and it's not just because I wanted to go like this, although I did.

Rosa: I don't understand. Why can't we just put Kevin into WITSEC?
Sergeant Jeffords: The Murphys have killed three witnesses in federal protection. Captain doesn't wanna risk it. We'll take shifts staying with Kevin.
Jake: No, it should just be me. Look, it's my fault that Murphy's after Kevin. Captain Holt bailed me out, and now it's my turn to bail him out. Plus we've got this whole tit for tat thing going, and it's my time to tit. It's my tit turn.
My time to tit is today, Terry.

Captain Holt: Say good-bye to the outside world. You're in the safe house now, so I'll need your phone.
Jake: Why?
Captain Holt: Internet, cellular signals. They're too easy to trace.
Jake: Seriously, no phone? What am I supposed to do to pass the time?
Captain Holt: You could learn a foreign language.
Jake: Go to hell.

Jake: Oh, yes, people. Actual real people that aren't Kevin. Hi, I want to touch you.
Amy: Babe, you're being weird.
Jake: Right, sorry. I forgot how to be human.

Jake: I shot a watermelon once. It's exactly what you want it to be.

Jake: This is great. There's nobody here. Everyone cleared out as soon as we got here. Even that actual pervert was creeped out by us.

Jake: No offense, but it feels so good to breathe air that didn't come out of your mouth.
Kevin: None taken.

Captain Holt: Where is Kevin?
Jake: Don't worry, he's safe. Look, Captain, I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Captain Holt: You should be. You should have abided by my security rules.
Jake: You're right. But I want you to know, I didn't take Kevin to the library because I was stir-crazy. It was because I didn't want you guys to get divorced.
Captain Holt: How is that any concern of yours?
Jake: I don't know, I just I've been around so many failed marriages in my life.
You know, first my mom and my dad, then Charles and Eleanor, Hitchcock and Brandi, Hitchcock and Francine, Hitchcock and Brandi again, Hitchcock and Madison-
Captain Holt: Madison wasn't his daughter? But he dropped her off at college last fall.
Jake: I know, it was really gross. But the point is, I just couldn't stand to see you two fall apart.