Marv: It's almost 8;30. We're gonna get into position.
Jake: Okay, thanks, Marv.
Marv: Are you guys crying?
Jake: I said thanks, Marv! That means move on.

Jake: Now come on, we still have a drug dealer to bust, right? You know what that means.
Charles: Bullet tornado!
Jake: Man sprinkler! Bullet tornado. That's what I said both times.

Jake: How ridiculous is Charles? Pssh.
Amy: So ridiculous. Pssh.
Jake: Pssh.
Amy: Pssh.
Jake: Pssh.

Sergeant Jeffords: Where did you start letting them play with the windows?
Jake: Uh, on Eighth. It was close to the house.
Sergeant Jeffords: It better be. The sitter leaves in ten minutes, and this is the last thing I need! Okay.
Jake: So sorry about this, Sarge. Oh, and one more thing. I love you.
Sergeant Jeffords: ... I love you too, Jake.

Jake: What do we do? We can't call Terry. We told him we could handle anything. I've got it. We just leave. We go home. Never speak of this.
Amy: No! We can't leave the children that are in our care.
Jake: Right.

Jake: Well, that wasn't so bad. Well, if you guys have any other questions, we're here for you.
Cagney: What's an orgasm?
Amy: Argh!
Jake: Come on!

Jake: All right, everybody, just relax. We're still gonna have a great time.
If there's one thing I know, it's how to sneak out to a party without your parents finding out. I used to do it all the time. Well, I did it a few times.
Once, to go to a Magic: the Gathering tournament. I got stuck in the window like Winnie-the-Pooh. There, okay? Now you know everything. My mom had to pull me back in by my ponytail. All right, let's party!

Jake: No, we came here to blow off steam and we're not gonna give up yet 'cause we're the Nine-Nine. We're gonna take matters into our own hands Nine-Nine style. That's right, my friends. The Nine-Nine is throwing a big-
Can I borrow $200 for alcohol?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: The Nine-Nine is throwing a party!

Rosa: Hey. We're about to do the Taser challenge, you guys want in?
Sergeant Jeffords: What's the Taser challenge?
Rosa: We tase each other, then drink.
Sergeant Jeffords: How do you win?
Rosa: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not?
Jake: Yeah, Terry. What're you, a lawyer? It's Tasers. Get tased at a party, man. Come on.

Charles: All right, be quiet! Everybody, be quiet!
Jake: They're not listening to you. Where's Amy? She's great at shushing.

Jake: Hey, it's all right, Scully. We'll find a way to make it up to him.
Scully: Ah, it's not about him, Jake. I'm just sad because I'm an unlovable sack of fungus, and I'm gonna be alone forever.
Jake: Oh, um. Hey, there's probably someone out there for-
Amy: We got this.
Jake: Oh, thank God.

Jake: So, yeah, it's a little tough right now, but I think the worst is behind us.
Amy: Why are you taking so long to cook my frickin' oatmeal? [Amy throws the microwave on the ground]
Jake: Yeah. [Amy starts beating the microwave with her truncheon] She'll be okay.

Jake: Darn it to heck. The store is closed. My bad day just got a whole heck of a lot worse. Time to go smoke in secret. And as I'm shame-smoking, I'm seeing-
Both: The library.

Rosa: All right, you get to the exam, I'll take care of Jake.
Jake: Yeah, don't worry about me. The important thing is, you go become a sergeant. Leave me! I know it's gonna be hard to walk away, but you have to be strong!
Rosa: She left like two minutes ago. You're talking to nobody.
Jake: Yeah, that makes sense.

Amy: Listen. I just want to thank you guys for chasing me down and getting me here. I know it's been a rough day, Jake, but I think I know how to make it up to you.
Jake: [gasps] Three minutes?
Amy: Oh, no, not that. Even better.