Jake: But I would argue I am like a beautiful angel of love, who has trouble finding love for himself. Admit that you would see that movie.
Amy: I would.
Jake: Thank you for your honesty.

Jake: She has tenure, and also has ten years - times two - older than him.
Rosa: That sucked.
Jake: Yeah.

Jake: I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.

Jake: All books and no magazines. What kind of crappy library's full of books? A crap library. All of the magazines are in the bathroom. Great solve Peralta.

Captain Holt: Can I help you?
Jake: Argh. Captain, I didn't hear you silently sneak up on me.

Jake: Yes, great humor words, Raymond.

Jake: It's from the finest vinyard in Arkansas.
Aww, samesies!

Party guest: There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.
Amy: Amen.
Jake: There isn't?!

Jake: Adult parties? I believe they're called orgies.

Jake: Happy birthday, you sly old fox. How many spankings is it this year?

Captain Holt: I couldn't be happier you're coming.
Jake: And it shows.

Jake: I can't wait to meet Kevin. I assume he's the fun one in the relationship.

Jake: Aww man. All the orange soda spilt out of my cereal.

Jake: We still have to process the perp. You love processing. It's your favorite thing, after organizing your emails and replacing toilet paper rolls.

Captain Holt: Hello, Peralta.
Jake: Ah, a human greeting. Nicely done.