Jake: Ah, Santiago. Before you go in there, there's something I have to say. I'm sorry I said you were a bad partner. I was the bad partner. The truth is, our job isn't always great. I mean, sometimes it sucks. But it sucks a little less when I get to do it with you. So when you said you were gonna leave, I freaked out, and that was dumb. I should've been more supportive. You're a great Detective, and they'd be lucky to have you. In fact, if it helps, I wrote you a letter of recommendation, which is riddled with spelling errors, I might add. Including the word, "recommendation," which is just... I don't have to tell you about that. There's no way there's four "m"s in that word, right?

Amy: What's going on in there?
Hotel worker: An auction of Greek antiquities.
Jake: Ah, I believe it's pronounced "antiques".
Amy: I'm sorry about my partner.
He's never been to a museum.
Jake: Have so.
Amy: Wax museums don't count.
Jake: Then why are they called museums? It's right there in the name.

Jake: Irwin, how would you like the honour of being the first man to undress in front of Amy Santiago?

Captain Holt: Brief me on the hotel robberies.
Jake: Helpful hint to the scientists that program you. Most humans say "Hello" at the beginning of a conversation.

Jake: Another helpful hint.
Captain Holt: Goodbye.
Jake: It's learning!

Jake: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
Captain Holt: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Jake: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.
Captain Holt: I pity your dentist.
Jake: Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

Jake: Come on, we only have three minutes. It's like you're not even trying to confess!

Jake: Fire Marshall Boone, we meet again.
Boone: Detective Peralta. Your fly's down. I made you look.
Jake: I didn't look and I'm wearing shorts. There is no fly.
Boone: That's not what your mom said.
Jake: You make no sense.
Boone: And now I'm inside your head.

Charles: The Ebony Falcon.
Jake: No, the Ebony Falcon had no fear. He's the Ebony Antelope now. Brave enough to drink at the lake, but wise enough to run from the lions.

Charles: Are you sure I shouldn't go get him? I feel a little uncomfortable leaving him out of this.
Jake: Don't think of this as leaving him out, so much as including his babies in having a father.

Jake: Oww! My lucky face!

Jake: I wasn't thinking straight. It was all the exercise. The blood from my head rushed into my delts.

Sergeant Jeffords: You sure you can lift this much weight?
Jake: You kidding me? I was the strongest kid in my camp seven summers in a row. Would have been eight if that freak Rebecca Lobelman hadn't showed up.

Jake: What do you need leg muscles for anyway? You must be a hundred years old. It's socially acceptable for you to roll around on a scooter.

Jake: Hey. Have you seen Terry? I lost him. His children could be orphans already. Father-less mother-having orphans.