Jake: Well, frankly,I'm not sure everyone at the gym is going to buy you as a trainer. You've been sitting behind that desk for so long, you've gotten a little tubby. Right, it's like love handle alert!
Do you have a bone there somehow?

Jake: Hey, your kids like the same cereal as me.

Jake: Terry Jeffords is back. Chest bump me.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't want to do this, man.
Jake: No, I really do.
Sergeant Jeffords: It hurts you every time.
Jake: No, I know, but I'm fired up and the adrenaline is going to carry me through.

Jake: Oh, sir, are you looking for your glasses? I borrowed them to do an impression of you. It killed.

Jake: All right, we're doing this. Let's play wife or dog. Hey, so, Scully, what do you do at the park with Kelly?
Scully: Oh, we just walk around. She gets antsy if she doesn't get outside enough. Then it's just yap, yap, yap, yap, all day long.
Charles: Hey, what's Kelly's favorite food?
Scully: Peanut butter. She'll eat it right out of the jar.
Sergeant Jeffords: How old is Kelly again?
Scully: Well, she's getting up there, but she's pretty sprightly for her age. Especially considering she got hit by that car a year ago.
Jake: Ah, that's so awful. Was she chasing something into the street or..?
Scully: No. She was getting me the newspaper.
Jake: All right, this is useless. Scully, is Kelly your wife or your dog?
Scully: How can you ask me that?
Jake: I still don't know which it is.
Charles: Could be either.
Jake: I could not tell you.

Amy: Your stake-out bag is ninety-percent nuts.
Jake: I get snacky. Besides, nuts are super healthy. They're like 0% fat.
Amy: Jake, that's not true at all. It's actually the opposite.
Jake: What? That nut vendor lied to me!

Jake: Oh. Sir. I'm right in the middle of this date and I can not reschedule. I have far, far too many non-refundable deposits. I'm renting a tiger cub by the hour.
Captain Holt: For what?
Jake: Don't even know. Waiting for inspiration.

Jake: Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on Earth. I spent one whole dollar on this ring. Will you go on the worst date ever with me? You have to say yes.
Amy: Yes.
Jake: She said yes. She said yes.

Jake: They'll sing to her at midnight in the middle of Time Square. She and five hundred German tourists will savor that memory for all times.

Charles: How much did you spend on this date?
Jake: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

Jake: Captain, hey. You're looking stoic today. Like a wise, old oak.

Jake: Yes. I've got you now Pontiac Bandit. Whoo! It feels good to say that in front of actual people, instead of just the mirror.

Jake: He's just a big 'ole angel. He's been so good to ... the whites.

Rosa: Anyway, he said he wants to speak to "John or Jack Peralta or whatever."
Jake: What does he want with me? Should I change my name to Jack Peralta? That sounds badass. Jack Peralta, crocodile hunter.

Jake: A hungry safe house is an unsafe safe house.