Jake: Hello, sir! How are you today? I am Detective Right-all-the-Time, and this is my partner Detective Terrible Detective.

Jake: Okay, you know when you use the word rabbi it turns me on, and that is unfair in the work environment. Secondly, your rabbi is a pain in my ass.

Jake: Captain, hey! Welcome to the murder.

Jake: Sorry, dude, but this new guy's just gonna be another washed up pencil pusher who's only concerned with following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep. Morp. Zeep. Robot Captain engage.

Jake: This job is eating me alive. I can't breathe any more. I've spent all these years trying to be the good guy. The man in the white hat, but I'm not becoming like them, I am them.
Amy: Hey, what are you doing, weirdo?
Jake: I'm doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. Actually, ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco.

Jake: You did it, Fuzzy. You busted 'em. It's time to come home. "I'm not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am. I've seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons."

Jake: All right, fine. If you guys won't help me, I guess I'll just get myself off.
Context. Context was important on that one.

Jake: Rules are made to be broken.
Amy: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Jake: Uh, piñatas.
Rosa: Glow sticks.
Jake: Karate boards.
Rosa: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Jake: Rules.

Jake: Okay. This is everyone I could think of who'd want to mess with my life. Perps, people I've testified against, the old guy who lived underneath me when I was learning the Gangnam style dance.

Jake: Fine, you can see my bank records. But I always pay my power bill. Often late. One time in person with Canadian pennies.

Jake: Captain, this is insane. I don't do drugs. Sure, a couple of my teeth are loose, but that's from dental neglect not meth.

Rosa: Or you didn't pay your bills and you only put a quarter-gallon of gas in your tank because you wanted to spend the rest on mini-mart beef jerky.
Jake: Wrong. I buy my beef jerky online from the world's top jerkmaster. So it looks like you need to update your jerk rolodex, which is not as dirty as it sounds.

Jake: That's my dad. The captain talking right now. I came out of his body. No big deal.

Jake: Captain Holt, come meet my dad, Captain Peralta.
Captain Peralta: Hello, captain.
Captain Holt: Captain.
Jake: This is super weird for me.

Jake: Where do you take your dad when you want to go some place special?
Charles: We got to Csaba. It's a Hungarian restaurant that serves tal ezer Kolbsz. It's a platter of a thousand sausages.
Jake: Euch.
Charles: It's symbolic of our manhood.
Jake: Okay, should have saved the euch till then.