Amy: You can't give up control. You're terrible at taking your primary's orders. You just do whatever you want. I could go on and on and on.
Jake: Is something no lover of yours has ever said.

Jake: Now, you were wondering why we did this in the bathroom, it's 'cause you're full of crap.
Charles: Blamo. Jake-hammer strikes again.
Jake: Jake-hammer strikes again.

Captain Holt: You're dripping on my carpet.
Jake: Oh, don't worry, sir. It's just urinal water. Clean urinal water.

Jake: Sarge, what would you do?
Sergeant Jeffords: Ten thousand sit-ups.
Jake: Okay. Do you have a back up plan in case my hypothetical person can only do 9500? Or three?

Jake: I don't slump, people. I opposite of slump. I pmuls. That's slump backwards and it's what I do. I pmuls all over this bitch.

Jake: Wait. Before you say anything, I want to guess what happened based on your face. Someone died. No! You won a prize. I'm not getting better at this.

Jake: All right, sir. Let me hit you with a little analogy. Are you familiar with race cars?
Captain Holt: Formula 1 or stock?
Jake: That's already way more than I know about it.

Deputy Commissioner: What are you doing? I told you to back off, Peralta.
Jake: First off, the name's Santiago. Detective Amy Santiago. Second, I'm arresting your son. Which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice, but it's the one I'm making. Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.

Jake: Has anyone ever told you you look just like a statue?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Jake: Okay, thank you for that Santiago. I'm going to put you down for Don't Arrest. And I'm also going to put your phone number on every urinal in Rikers.

Jake: From this point on, I'll do every part of the job perfectly. Perfecter than perfectly.
Captain Holt: It's more perfect. You said that imperfectly.
Jake: I was testing you. You did perfectly.

Jake: Did you just say Genital-man? If so, kudos.

Captain Holt: Does he always talk this much?
Amy: I just tune it out. It's like a white noise machine.
Jake: Okay, first of all, that's racist.

Jake: That's how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys and look good doing it.

Captain Holt: What's wrong with you?
Jake: Never took off the speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me!