Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Here.
Jake: Oh, no, I'm good. Not to be snobby, but I got my own stash. It's the bomb. Smuggled this vial in on a plane. Stuck it right up my butt. [laughs] Want some?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: No, thanks. I'm good with the non-butt coke.
Jake: Suit yourself.

Jake: Ooh, schnoops. You said that to her before and then she flipped it on you. You got flipped on, son.

Rosa: I thought he was dating that weather girl.
Jake: No, he dumped her because she blamed Hurricane Sandy on gay marriage.

Jake: Hey, can I talk to you for a second, privately?
Amy: Uh, sure. Oh, wait, this isn't gonna be that thing where you pretend you got an important text from Holt and it's just that video of screaming sheep?
Jake: I promise you it's not, but I do stand by that prank.

Amy: Why doesn't your mouth work?
Jake: "Why doesn't your mouth work" - title of our sex tape.
Amy: What?
Jake: Your sex tape. What? No!

Captain Holt: I had no idea you'd be here.
Jake: You know what? It's fine, sir. A lot of people go on their honeymoon with their boss. Nope, I thought if I said it out loud it would normalize it, but it's weird.

Rosa: We can make fake cocaine for ourselves out of vitamin B powder.
Jake: Ooh, vitamin B. The second-best vitamin.

Jake: Mm-kay. But, how did you end up here in Mexico at the exact same tiny resort as us?
Captain Holt: Gina's been talking up this place up for years.
Jake and Amy: Referral Code GINA30.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, wow, that's good stuff. Who's your guy?
Jake: Actually, it's a woman. Women can be drug dealers too #lmWithHer.

I.L. Here are your drinks and a lovers' toolbox from a Mr. Boyle.
Jake: Ah, thank you so much. We will never open this.

Amy: So we need to break in to the bank's computers. We need a hacker. Does anyone know a hacker?
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle does.
Charles: I'm Boyle! I get to help! Oh, my God. I can feel my legs again. I can walk.
Jake: Yes! It's a miracle kind of.

Jake: Now get to hacking. Guys, I think I found something.
Scully: Is it my heart medicine? My doctor said that if I miss even one dose, I could have a massive stro-
Jake: No, Scully, this is important.

Jake: Doesn't matter anyway. We don't need your testimony, because we have the meat fork.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: Our two-pronged defense. Not unlike a fork you would use to flip a steak on a grill. It's a meat fork! Sam, explain the meat fork to them.
Samuel Miller: Again, "meat fork" is fun, but under no circumstances should anyone say that in court.
Jake: We have it if we need it.

Matthew Langdon: I caught her taking payoffs from a gang leader. When I confronted her about it, she said I could disappear or she'd kill me.
Jake: I see why you chose pig farming. It's better than death.
Matthew Langdon: Not during the spring thaw.
Jake: Why? Does it smell even worse somehow?
Matthew Langdon: I was talking about the noises. It's pig mating season.
Jake: What does that sound like, a bunch of wet bagpipes?
Matthew Langdon: That's exactly it.
Jake: Oh.
Amy: Nailed it.

Samuel Miller: Objection. Conjecture!
Jake: Sustained. Sorry, you say it.
Judge Marinovich: Sustained.
Jake: We both sounded equally authoritative.