Jake: I also ride motorcycles.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, yeah? What do you ride?
Jake: Oh, it's in the shop right now. Yeah, the torque felt low, so I was like, "Bro, we gots to up the torque." We all know how it is. Anyways, I could talk about my steel horse all darn day. We got work to do.

Charles: So how did you get to Costa?
Hitchcock: We had a CI on the inside who helped set up a sting. We took down Costa, recovered a ton of coke and three duffel bags full of cash.
Jake: Seems pretty clear-cut, but then why would IA reopen the case? Unless they think it's some sort of "Freaky Friday" situation and you guys traded places with horny singles in your area.
Scully: It's possible.

Captain Holt: Don't interfere with IA's investigation. Just find out what actually happened in case Kelly is trying to manipulate the facts. Can you do that?
Jake: Oh, so you're asking if we can open a portal to the wet and wild 1980s to investigation the bizarre lives of these magnificent dodos? I believe it was a young Barack Obama who said "Uh, yes, we can."

Captain Holt: I thought if I played by the NYPD's rules and didn't make any waves, one day I would rise to a position where I could make meaningful change.
When they hired John Kelly, I realized I was wrong, and I thought I was out of options. But then you tied me to your bed, legs akimbo, and made me realize there was another way. I could not give a hoot.
Jake: Wow, the hoot thing is catching on. Didn't see that coming.

Jake: I'm sure she's busy tonight anyway. Taxes are due in eight months.
Detective Dave Majors: Actually, they were due two weeks ago.
Jake: Well, that is a horrible surprise.

Amy: Jake, why is he here?
Jake: Because he's quitting the force, so I brought him to convince him not to, but obviously that is not important anymore. All right, Captain, it's been a good run. Thank you for teaching me the importance of a tie in the workplace, and the door is right over here.

Rosa: I thought he was dating that weather girl.
Jake: No, he dumped her because she blamed Hurricane Sandy on gay marriage.

Jake: Hey, can I talk to you for a second, privately?
Amy: Uh, sure. Oh, wait, this isn't gonna be that thing where you pretend you got an important text from Holt and it's just that video of screaming sheep?
Jake: I promise you it's not, but I do stand by that prank.

Amy: Why doesn't your mouth work?
Jake: "Why doesn't your mouth work" - title of our sex tape.
Amy: What?
Jake: Your sex tape. What? No!

Captain Holt: I had no idea you'd be here.
Jake: You know what? It's fine, sir. A lot of people go on their honeymoon with their boss. Nope, I thought if I said it out loud it would normalize it, but it's weird.

Jake: Mm-kay. But, how did you end up here in Mexico at the exact same tiny resort as us?
Captain Holt: Gina's been talking up this place up for years.
Jake and Amy: Referral Code GINA30.

Jake: You're under arrest. Also, I'm gonna have to pee while I hold you at gunpoint. I've been drinking so much water.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, wow, that's good stuff. Who's your guy?
Jake: Actually, it's a woman. Women can be drug dealers too #lmWithHer.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Here.
Jake: Oh, no, I'm good. Not to be snobby, but I got my own stash. It's the bomb. Smuggled this vial in on a plane. Stuck it right up my butt. [laughs] Want some?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: No, thanks. I'm good with the non-butt coke.
Jake: Suit yourself.

Rosa: We can make fake cocaine for ourselves out of vitamin B powder.
Jake: Ooh, vitamin B. The second-best vitamin.