Jake: Yeah, pretty big night: the three most important men in your life under one roof.
Amy: Well, Will Shorts isn't here.
Jake: Ah. Burn on Holt probably. That's the one you were talking about.

Jake: Just carrots for me. I don't eat celery, hate the stuff.
Victor Santiago: Oh, that's funny. Me too.
Jake: Really? Get out of town. Even though everybody says-
Both: They're basically the same thing.

Jake: Come on. Show me what you got.
Charles: Fred Astaire. Gene Kelly.
Jake: Liberace. Diane Keaton.

Jake: The only downside is, I've told him I have to pee so much he thinks I have a UTI. I wonder if he's ever had a UTI. You know what, I'm gonna sneak outside and get the 411 on the UTI. BRB. He loves abbreviations.

Jake: So, uh, what are you doing out here?
Victor Santiago: Sneaking a cigarette. I just can't quit. But you knew that, didn't you? Page 136.
Jake: What is that strange book you're holding? I've never seen it before.
Victor Santiago: "Jake Peralta's Guide to Tricking Amy's Dad."
Jake: What? Who put that there? Why did I use a title page?

Victor Santiago: Relax, Jake, it's okay. Actually, I'm quite impressed.
Jake: You are?
Victor Santiago: Yeah, you did a ton of research here. You made a binder.
This is real Santiago stuff.
Jake: Yeah, I-I guess it is. I even used tabs.
Victor Santiago: The good ones.
Jake: Yes. There are good and bad types of tabs. That's something we all know.

Victor Santiago: You know why I don't like you, Jake?
Jake: 'Cause of my binder, apparently.
Victor Santiago: No. Because of my binder. What, you think I wouldn't do my own research, find out everything I could about whoever my daughter is dating?
Jake: Okay, fine, but it's not like you found anything bad about me. I mean, look at this credit score: 100.
Victor Santiago: Out of 850.
Jake: Oh, no, really?

Jake: It's Amy. Can I answer it? Am I good enough to have a conversation with her?
Victor Santiago: Honestly, no.
Jake: Well, I don't care. I'm doing it anyway. [on the phone] Hello, lover.
How's that butt?
Amy: What? Are you with my dad?
Jake: I sure am, and you're on speaker phone. So feel free to tell me all about your sexuality and the intercourse we might have together, getting it in.

Jake: Wait, Amy, shut up.
Amy: Excuse me?
Jake: I mean, I'm so sorry, you were making a totally valid point about gender equality, but I just thought of something really important so I'm gonna hang up on you, okay? Love you, bye.

Jake: That's right. We arrested a woman today because we are feminists.

Jake: Those chuckleheads from the Nine-Five are getting all cocky just 'cause they're on TV. Uh, we've all been on the local news, fellas.
Rosa: Okay. Which case of yours was on the news?
Jake: Well, it wasn't exactly a case.
[cut to a 1998 local news segment]
Jake: Ska defines who I am as a person, and I will never turn my back on ska. Hup! [ska music playing]
[present day]
Jake: Looking back, I have no regrets.
Rosa: You should.
Jake: Yup.

Jake: Hey, Sarge, great news. The guys at the Nine-Five gave us the DC Parlov case. No big deal, you don't have to thank me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Give it back.
Jake: You're welcome. Wait, what?
Sergeant Jeffords: This is a bad idea, Jake. I don't want to meet him.
Jake: Oh, I see. You're nervous to meet your hero. Look, I get it. One time I saw Patrick Ewing at a deli, and I was so scared I almost left, but I stayed.
I worked up my courage, I walked over to him and I introduced myself, and you know what he said to me? "Hey."
Sergeant Jeffords: That's it?
Jake: It's Patrick Ewing, he's busy!

Captain Holt: Where's C.J.? Parked a block away on Winthrop, as promised.
Jake: Don't worry, he's not going anywhere. I downloaded an app on his phone that makes your words sound like burps.
Captain Holt: Smart, really smart.

Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Jason Stentley has been transferred from active duty effective immediately. Captain Raymond Holt will be taking his place, and, yes, he's taking all of us with him.
Amy: You mean-
Jake: Yes, Amy. We're back on the day shift!
Sergeant Jeffords: Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!
Jake: Come on and party tonight!

Jake: Oh look, I couldn't let you go in there solo. I'm sorry, I feel terrible for saving your life.
Charles: Enough of your dumb apologies, Jake.