Griff: Hey, hey, is everything all right here, Maxine? You're speaking good English.
Jake: Eh, just a few phrases he picked up from movies and such. He's disappointed. He really wanted that Cobra. You know the French, so passionate, even their skunks. Pepe Le Pew. It doesn't matter; I'm a lawyer. No further comments.

Doug Judy: Hey, did my brother stop by? I heard he jacked some nice cars, and I might have a buyer. This is Maxime Dubois, international millionaire.
Captain Holt: Bonjour.
Doug Judy: He doesn't speak any English. This is his lawyer, Carl Mangerson.
Jake: Hey, I'm a lawyer.

Doug Judy: What about you, Peralta?
Jake: Um, I can do a pretty good Italian accent. (imitating Robert De Niro) "You think you could milk me?"
Doug Judy: So you're just doing De Niro from "Meet the Parents?"
Jake: (still impersonating De Niro) I don't know, am I?
Doug Judy: (impersonating De Niro) This is De Niro.
Jake: I think it's pretty good.
Doug Judy: Mine's better.
Jake: It's pretty good.
Doug Judy: (stopping the impressions) We'll just make you American.
Jake: Okay.

Jake: Apparently the Tsar of Russia gave that bejeweled egg to his girlfriend as a present. I've never gotten a bejeweled anything. Stupid Amy.

Captain Holt: I'm putting myself on this case.
Jake: All right, Captain. Looks like New York's finest just got a whole lot-
Captain Holt: Let's go!

Captain Holt: Tell me exactly what happened.
Jake: Well, it started with Boyle wanting to say the word succulent.
Captain Holt: Oh, no.
Jake: And it ended with a small riot, in which a dirtbag set Hitchcock's nap couch on fire.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's been two hours, and nothing on the last guy. He's gonna get away.
Jake: Where are you, number nine? Think. If I was an escaped murderer, where would I hide? (GASPS)
Sergeant Jeffords: Where?
Jake: Oh, I have no idea. I just thought if I gasped I could force an epiphany. And I did. No, that didn't work either. Or did it? Still no. Unless-
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop it, Jake!

Amy: Well, there's just one convict left. Whoever finds him wins.
Jake: Yeah. I guess you could say he's the Golden Snitch.
Amy: Wait. Was that a "Harry Potter" reference?
Jake: It most definitely was. I started reading them 'cause you love them so much.
Amy: And?
Jake: You were right. They're incredible. Remember when I called in sick the other day? I was at home reading "Order of the Phoenix."
Amy: Oh, this makes me so happy! How sad is it when Cedric dies?
Jake: I was crushed. Literally crying on the toilet.
Amy: Aww.

Jake: Okay, stay cool. We can work this out. I'm a trained hostage negotiator.
I got my friend's sperm back from his ex-wife last year. Well, she destroyed half of it, and he decided to adopt, but-
Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta!
Jake: Right. Sorry.

Jake: Okay, satellite images showed one of the two remaining convicts entered this building. If we catch him, that's five. I win the bet. Amy moves in with me. I lord it over her. She's miserable. We live happily ever after. It's fool-proof.

Jake: Wait, Amy, shut up.
Amy: Excuse me?
Jake: I mean, I'm so sorry, you were making a totally valid point about gender equality, but I just thought of something really important so I'm gonna hang up on you, okay? Love you, bye.

Victor Santiago: Relax, Jake, it's okay. Actually, I'm quite impressed.
Jake: You are?
Victor Santiago: Yeah, you did a ton of research here. You made a binder.
This is real Santiago stuff.
Jake: Yeah, I-I guess it is. I even used tabs.
Victor Santiago: The good ones.
Jake: Yes. There are good and bad types of tabs. That's something we all know.

Victor Santiago: You know why I don't like you, Jake?
Jake: 'Cause of my binder, apparently.
Victor Santiago: No. Because of my binder. What, you think I wouldn't do my own research, find out everything I could about whoever my daughter is dating?
Jake: Okay, fine, but it's not like you found anything bad about me. I mean, look at this credit score: 100.
Victor Santiago: Out of 850.
Jake: Oh, no, really?

Jake: It's Amy. Can I answer it? Am I good enough to have a conversation with her?
Victor Santiago: Honestly, no.
Jake: Well, I don't care. I'm doing it anyway. [on the phone] Hello, lover.
How's that butt?
Amy: What? Are you with my dad?
Jake: I sure am, and you're on speaker phone. So feel free to tell me all about your sexuality and the intercourse we might have together, getting it in.

Jake: Those chuckleheads from the Nine-Five are getting all cocky just 'cause they're on TV. Uh, we've all been on the local news, fellas.
Rosa: Okay. Which case of yours was on the news?
Jake: Well, it wasn't exactly a case.
[cut to a 1998 local news segment]
Jake: Ska defines who I am as a person, and I will never turn my back on ska. Hup! [ska music playing]
[present day]
Jake: Looking back, I have no regrets.
Rosa: You should.
Jake: Yup.