Captain Holt: Gertie!
Griff: What?
Jake: Uh, that was French for (in an accent strikingly like his De Niro impression) "I gotta make a phone call." He's gotta make a phone call. Frenchmens. You can't bring them anywhere.

Griff: Hey, hey, is everything all right here, Maxine? You're speaking good English.
Jake: Eh, just a few phrases he picked up from movies and such. He's disappointed. He really wanted that Cobra. You know the French, so passionate, even their skunks. Pepe Le Pew. It doesn't matter; I'm a lawyer. No further comments.

Doug Judy: Hey, did my brother stop by? I heard he jacked some nice cars, and I might have a buyer. This is Maxime Dubois, international millionaire.
Captain Holt: Bonjour.
Doug Judy: He doesn't speak any English. This is his lawyer, Carl Mangerson.
Jake: Hey, I'm a lawyer.

Doug Judy: What about you, Peralta?
Jake: Um, I can do a pretty good Italian accent. (imitating Robert De Niro) "You think you could milk me?"
Doug Judy: So you're just doing De Niro from "Meet the Parents?"
Jake: (still impersonating De Niro) I don't know, am I?
Doug Judy: (impersonating De Niro) This is De Niro.
Jake: I think it's pretty good.
Doug Judy: Mine's better.
Jake: It's pretty good.
Doug Judy: (stopping the impressions) We'll just make you American.
Jake: Okay.

Jake: Apparently the Tsar of Russia gave that bejeweled egg to his girlfriend as a present. I've never gotten a bejeweled anything. Stupid Amy.

Captain Holt: I'm putting myself on this case.
Jake: All right, Captain. Looks like New York's finest just got a whole lot-
Captain Holt: Let's go!

Captain Holt: Tell me exactly what happened.
Jake: Well, it started with Boyle wanting to say the word succulent.
Captain Holt: Oh, no.
Jake: And it ended with a small riot, in which a dirtbag set Hitchcock's nap couch on fire.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's been two hours, and nothing on the last guy. He's gonna get away.
Jake: Where are you, number nine? Think. If I was an escaped murderer, where would I hide? (GASPS)
Sergeant Jeffords: Where?
Jake: Oh, I have no idea. I just thought if I gasped I could force an epiphany. And I did. No, that didn't work either. Or did it? Still no. Unless-
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop it, Jake!

Amy: Well, there's just one convict left. Whoever finds him wins.
Jake: Yeah. I guess you could say he's the Golden Snitch.
Amy: Wait. Was that a "Harry Potter" reference?
Jake: It most definitely was. I started reading them 'cause you love them so much.
Amy: And?
Jake: You were right. They're incredible. Remember when I called in sick the other day? I was at home reading "Order of the Phoenix."
Amy: Oh, this makes me so happy! How sad is it when Cedric dies?
Jake: I was crushed. Literally crying on the toilet.
Amy: Aww.

Jake: Okay, stay cool. We can work this out. I'm a trained hostage negotiator.
I got my friend's sperm back from his ex-wife last year. Well, she destroyed half of it, and he decided to adopt, but-
Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta!
Jake: Right. Sorry.

Jake: Okay, satellite images showed one of the two remaining convicts entered this building. If we catch him, that's five. I win the bet. Amy moves in with me. I lord it over her. She's miserable. We live happily ever after. It's fool-proof.

Jake: Let's go after the arsonist first. I thought of the perfect thing to say when we catch him that no one else could ever have possibly-
Sergeant Jeffords: "You're burnt"?
Jake: ... No.

Victor Santiago: You know why I don't like you, Jake?
Jake: 'Cause of my binder, apparently.
Victor Santiago: No. Because of my binder. What, you think I wouldn't do my own research, find out everything I could about whoever my daughter is dating?
Jake: Okay, fine, but it's not like you found anything bad about me. I mean, look at this credit score: 100.
Victor Santiago: Out of 850.
Jake: Oh, no, really?

Jake: It's Amy. Can I answer it? Am I good enough to have a conversation with her?
Victor Santiago: Honestly, no.
Jake: Well, I don't care. I'm doing it anyway. [on the phone] Hello, lover.
How's that butt?
Amy: What? Are you with my dad?
Jake: I sure am, and you're on speaker phone. So feel free to tell me all about your sexuality and the intercourse we might have together, getting it in.

Jake: Wait, Amy, shut up.
Amy: Excuse me?
Jake: I mean, I'm so sorry, you were making a totally valid point about gender equality, but I just thought of something really important so I'm gonna hang up on you, okay? Love you, bye.