Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, lunchtime starts in ten minutes. Whichever team wins gets recorded on the Whiteboard of Victory.
Amy: The winner will be decided by our judges, Hitchcock and Scully.
Scully: Oh, my God, are we high status, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: I think so.
Scully: What a world.

Hitchcock: Uh-oh. Guys! We have a major problem here. No garlic bread.
Scully: Okay, we need to stay calm. Let's think. The garlic bread needs to go in the toaster oven with eight minutes left on the lasagna. Maybe we could run down to the corner store and make it in time.
Hitchcock: That just gives us 12 minutes to go to a place and come back.
Scully: Mama Magglione.

Rosa: I'm just not doing it hard enough.
[Rosa knocks a soda bottle to the floor, which starts spurting out]
Scully: Mmm!
Hitchcock: Ooh! That's a double-sponger.
Rosa: All right. I am cleaning this up, and no one is helping me.
Hitchcock: Not a problem.
Scully: Because we're lazy boys.

Scully: Earl? Earl!
Earl: Norm? Norm?
Amy: What the-
Earl: I'm so happy your friend invited me to-
Scully: I told you what would happen if I ever saw you again, Earl.
Captain Holt: What is going on? What am I looking at?
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully has a twin brother named Earl. Jake brought him here to trick you.
Jake: Thank you for the ride, Terrence. Apparently they don't get along very well.
Scully: We did get along. We were inseparable, until Earl slept with my wife.
Earl: It's not my fault she wanted to have sex with a stud instead of a dud.
Scully: Stud? Your face looks it's been kicked in by a horse.
Earl: Well, your mouth looks like a butthole.
Scully: Your whole body looks like a butthole.
Jake: And you look identical.

Jake: Just tell us what you know, please?
Hitchcock: There's Lou's Dogs, he serves 'em up real plump.
Scully: Big Mike's does two dogs per bun.
Hitchcock: Hank's Franks great mustard selection.
Scully: Vicki's Vegan? I'd rather eat [bleep].
Hitchcock: Charlie does an al dente dog, it's got a really nice chew.
Scully: Johnny Arkansas serves it Little Rock style, although he can serve it Razorback-style.

Jake: Okay, enough, enough! We don't have time for this! Just tell us who has a cart at 6th and 11th.
Hitchcock: Oh, there are no hot dog carts there.
Charles: What? Never?
Scully: No way.
Hitchcock: Not a chance!
Scully: Zoning issue. Forget about it, Jake. It's Hungertown.

Scully: Thanks for coming out to Hitchcock's divorce party.
Rosa: You know you got another gay cake, right?
Scully: What? No way.
Rosa: It says "Boys! Boys! Boys!" on it.
Scully: Because we're the boys.

Scully: We asked you what model number.
Amy: I don't know, a normal one with glass in the front.
Scully: Seriously? Did you even look into the DiGiSnax 600E?
Charles: I'd be into a fancy machine, too. I was just reading about a Japanese one that serves shellfish.
Amy: We're not getting a shellfish machine.
Scully: Yeah, Boyle, we're getting a smart machine that suggests soda pairings based on your chip choice.
Hitchcock: Or one with a make-it-wet gravy feature!

Scully: [stilted] Allow me to introduce you to the Q3400. She's got it all. Chips, candy, soda, and a whole lot of class.
Hitchcock: [stilted] That sounds great for snacking, but what if I'm stuck working late at the office?
Scully: How about a personal-sized frozen pizza?
Hitchcock: And then what? I have to carry it all the way over to the microwave on my own? Who has the time?
Scully: Well, you're in luck, because...
Amy: I get it! It cooks the pizza for you.
Scully: It cooks the pizza for you.

Scully: Mmm... the smell of fresh cooked pizza.
Hitchcock: Where are we? Rome, Italy?
Amy: Guys, you got the vending machine you wanted. You can stop with the play acting.
Charles: I don't think that's scripted. That's just them talking about pizza.
Scully: Yum, yum, yum.

Charles: Okay, guys, look. I know this is sad, but maybe everything happens for a reason.
Scully: What reason could there possibly be for the pain I'm feeling?
Charles: Look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this because I know you'll abuse it, but when there's no third machine, you can come back here and do this.
[Charles hits the side of the vending machine and a snack falls out]
Scully: Everything happens for a reason.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, are you hurt? Is that blood?
Amy: It's glitter.
Scully: There was a box on Jake's desk. I opened it, and it just exploded. I can't feel my face.
Jake: And, not to be rude, but is that something you can normally feel?
Scully: Oh, right. I guess I'm fine.

Sergeant Jeffords: I still think it was Amy.
Amy: Obviously I'm being framed, probably by whomever keeps accusing me.
Captain Holt: No one's asking the obvious question. Why did Scully open a package on Peralta's desk? Perhaps he was setting up the prank, and it blew up in his face.
[All murmuring in agreement]
Scully: No, I just saw a box and I thought, "Oh, cookies come in boxes."
[All murmuring in agreement]

Dillman: May I have everyone's attention please? I have solved the, "who has done this." I know by whom it was done. It was Jake Peralta.
Jake: What? That's crazy. The box was on my desk. I'm the victim.
Hitchcock: Wrong. Scully's the victim.
Scully: You know, you think glitter's gonna taste like sprinkles, but it doesn't. It tastes like blood.
Rosa: That is blood. The glitter's shredding your tongue.
Scully: Oh.

Rosa: What is happening?
Amy: You tell us. You're the one who just mysteriously appeared at this critical moment.
Rosa: I was stuck in the bathroom with Scully. It was a nightmare.
Scully: For me too. Hitchcock and I haven't had any time alone all day. I don't even know what he had for lunch.
Hitchcock: Italian sandwich.
Scully: But with what kind of chips?