Gina: Now before I tell you my idea, are you allergic to dolphins?

Jake: That was 18 days ago. He's getting saner by the minute. In a month, he'll basically just be Frasier.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't use Frasier's name in vain.
Jake: Copy that.

Jake: Okay, look, this was maybe a weird way to start the night, but the good news is, we can still make our dinner reservation and no one got hurt.
Hitchcock: Actually, I cut myself real bad.
Jake: Of course you did.

Jake: All right, sure, tonight got off to a weird, rocky start, but you know what else got off to a weird, rocky start? America, and we all love America now, right?
Hitchcock: Well, it's no Amsterdam.

Charles: Well, the groomsmen are having a great time. Jake just texted me about where to get a veal tongue.

Charles: May the best maid win.

Rosa: What is my favorite soup?
Amy: Chicken noodle.
Gina: Potato leek.
Charles: Corn frickin' noodle. I mean, chowder, damn it.
Rosa: You're all wrong. I've never had soup.
Gina: Don't bother. They all suck.

Amy: Oh, sweet, sweet coffee. Come to mama.
Charles: Shut your loud mouth, Amy. Some of us have a hangover.

Jake: Look, I know you're upset because Pimento seems a little amped up-
Sergeant Jeffords: We were going 90 with the headlights off!
Jake: But please just give him a chance to explain before getting all angry and yelling, "Hey, man!"
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, man! What the hell were you doing?

Adrian Pimento: I'd also like to make a toast.
Sergeant Jeffords: Easy on the dings, man. One ding'll do.

Amy: And secondly, it's a drinking game. Get a question wrong, do a shot. Oh, and the questions? They're all about Rosa.
Charles: But none of us know anything about Rosa.
Rosa: Everyone's about to get real hammered.

Adrian Pimento: Check it out, losers. Guess who got their dealer!
Jake: Nice! How'd it go down?
Rosa: We chased him through a subway tunnel, back up through the storm drain, Adrian and I got engaged, and then we busted him with a half kilo of coke in his sock.
Jake: Wait, wait, wait. What'd you just say?
Adrian Pimento: It was in his sock. These dummies, they never think we're gonna check their socks.
Amy: No, before that, weirdo.

Gina: Tonight we will be attending my nephew Anthony's 13th birthday party.
Rosa: Sounds awful. Teenage boys are the worst.
Gina: But shooting them with paintballs in the behind is the best, which is what we're gonna do. It's a paintball party.
Rosa: Nice.
Gina: Let's go shoot my nephew.

Adrian Pimento: Thank you guys so much for this party. It means everything to me. And I'm sorry that earlier I went a little off the rails, hijacked the bus, stole all of your wallets to double check your identities-
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Rosa: All right, Boyle, you're up. Where we goin'?
Charles: A restaurant. Specifically, Le Petit Colon. It means small intestine, 'cause that's all they serve.

Scully: Jake, a word, please.
Jake: What?
Scully: I don't know. Everybody else got to go outside.
Jake: Get back on the bus!

Scully: Hey, Jakey, if you're asking the waiter questions, find out when the mashed potatoes are coming.
Sergeant Jeffords: He's not a real waiter, man!

Rosa: Oh, man, I was rootin' for you. I don't think I can eat that.
Charles: Neither can anyone else, which is why they shut it down. We are not eating at this restaurant. We are demolishing it.
Rosa: Damn! Boyle's playing to win!

Adrian Pimento: All right, now all you need to do is put some water on my crotch.
Jake: What? Why?
Adrian Pimento: Obviously because everybody who gets shot pees them self.

Jake: He wants to meet up. And he wants me to bring him your tongue.
Adrian Pimento: Ah, how did I not see this coming? That's what Figgis does to snitches. Well, game over, guys. I mean, where are we gonna get a tongue?
Jake: Relax, I'm just gonna text Boyle. He's always eating weird stuff like tongues and chicken faces. Oh, and he's already texted me back with a top-ten list.

Scully: Yeah, Sarge. If Jake wants to pay for us to have a fun night out, let's not stop him.
Jake: I'm not paying for it. We're splitting it.
Scully: Well, then, I'm with Terry. This wedding's a sham.

Jake: All right, gents, Pimento's bachelor party is tomorrow night. I've gotten us a party bus, reservations at a delightful steakhouse, and a DVD copy of "American Beauty" to watch at midnight. That last thing was his only request. I'm not sure if it's his favorite movie or if he's just never seen it.

Amy: Guys, focus. We need to start planning. So when's the wedding? Next summer, next fall, next winter?
Rosa: Next week.
Amy: Next what?
Charles: Next week?
Amy: That is not enough time to plan a bridal shower, an engagement brunch, a papier-mâché sculpture of you two kissing.

Gina: Count me in as long as I get eight plus-ones.

Charles: Maid of honor? Yes, a million times, yes! [gasps] It would be an honor.
Oh, my God, that's why they call it that.
Rosa: Great, but I specifically said, "co-maid-of-honor," because I am also asking Amy and Gina.
Charles: I guess that's okay, if you want to water down your Charles Boyle with a couple of ice cubes.

Rosa: He thinks we're rushing into things, but we're not. I love Adrian. Every time I see him, my heart just explodes.
Jake: Wow, that's, like, some Lionel Ritchie-grade love stuff.

Sergeant Jeffords: Listen up, everyone. While Captain Holt's out of town at his conference, I'm in charge, which means, Jake, I order you to throw out that gingerbread house. It's from Christmas.
Jake: Fine, but you're gonna be leaving a lot of ants with no home.

Jake: In fairness, there's probably a lot of turnover in his line of work, what with the constant death and everything.

Jake: What do we know? Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis has a man in the FBI.
Sergeant Jeffords: And he tried to have Pimento killed.
Hitchcock: And I cut my other cheek.
Jake: How? I took the knife away from you.

Jake: Gentlemen, I just thought of a plan.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stage Pimento's death and go to the meet-up ourselves.
Hitchcock: Great plan, Sarge!
Jake: No, I was gonna say it first. I thought of it before you did. You know, whatever, let's just do Sarge's thing, I guess.

Adrian Pimento: I want to lick your whole body clean like a kitty cat.
Jake: And I'm gonna give you two a little space.

Jake: So what's our plan?
Adrian Pimento: Okay. I'm gonna make this guy talk. Okay, all I need is a car battery, jumper cables, and unfettered access to his nips.
Jake: As much as I'd like to see that, I think you might be a little too close to this.

Jake: What do you have to say now?
Sergeant Jeffords: I guess someone's trying to kill him.
Jake: That's right! In your face! Someone's trying to kill him! Whoo! I mean, a man's life is in danger. Probably shouldn't be so pumped.

Rosa: Don't worry about that stuff. The one dumb wedding thing I've always wanted was a bachelorette party.
Charles: Ah, so, cool, cool, cool. All the pressure's on that one event, cool, cool, very cool.

Rosa: Super excited for the big night.
Amy: Well, I'm happy she's excited. I'm not sleeping for the next 24 hours.
Charles: Amen, sister. Amen.

Jake: And this bachelor party is gonna change all that. We're gonna eat steaks, we're gonna smoke cigars.
Hitchcock: We're gonna look at naked ladies.
Jake: No, Hitchcock, we're keeping it classy.
Hitchcock: Right, just their boobs.
Jake: No, no boobs.

Jake: Look, Sarge, Rosa loves him. Will you at least promise me you'll keep an open mind?
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine, mind open. But for the record, I think they're making a mistake, and this whole thing is gonna blow up.
Jake: Fun attitude. Save it for the party bus.

Amy: Rosa, we could really use your input on the bachelorette party. See, we all have different ideas and no one is compromising.
Gina: I would compromise, but I refuse to not do mine.

Rosa: Whose idea is best?
Charles: Excellent question. Here's a rundown of mine, the "elevator pitch," if you will. Has this ever happened to you? You show up at a bachelorette party-
Gina: Ding, the elevator doors closed. No one can hear you. We cannot hear you.

Rosa: Why don't we just do all three parties?
Gina: Oh, and then you pick your favorite at the end. I.E. mine.

Gina: Party number one will be brought to you by Gina Linetti. And good times.
Charles: Where exactly are these good times? Because so far, the first six seconds of your party are a big old snooze.

Amy: Party round two: the quiz. Winner gets a question mark crown.
Gina: So cool. Um, I'll take Lonely Arts and Crafts for 800.
Amy: First of all, I've made many friends through arts and crafts.
Gina: And how many of them are googly eyed?

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, I'm sorry I doubted you. I'm also sorry that someone's trying to kill you, but I can really only take ownership for the first part.

Rosa: Jake, can I talk to you about my wedding for a second?
Jake: Need help choosing a dress? Big puffy bow in the back, can't go wrong.
Rosa: No to all of that.

Jake: Oh, same ski mask. That's awkward.

Jake: Yeah, this guy won't be snitching in heaven. I mean, hell, obviously, he's going to hell. We all are; we're bad guys. Anyway, here's his tongue.

Adrian Pimento: Right now, they think I'm dead. This is my only chance to get away safe. Jake I need you to tell Rosa that I love her. Okay? Do that for me. Also, tell her this.
Jake: Oh. Oh my. Ew. That is very graphic, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: Got it?
Jake: I don't think I can say any of that to Rosa.

Jake: I'm just gonna take the photo from the waist up, okay?
Adrian Pimento: Fine, but for the record, I think I should've peed myself.

Jake: Okay, we need to make my main man Pimento look super murdered, like Tarantino disgusting murdered.