Jake: Well, listen, we need your help.
Adrian Pimento: Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.
Rosa: No, babe, we don't want you to kill anyone.
Adrian Pimento:What? Really?
Rosa: No.

Charles: Sarge, you think Gina will be okay?
Sergeant Jeffords: She says the doctor's can't be sure, but they're optimistic. Apparently, she has something called Ansel-Elgort Syndrome.
Charles: Oh, poor Gina.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Hitchcock: Oh, you fools. That's not a disease. Ansel Elgort's an actor. Did none of you see "The Fault in Our Stars"?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Why did you?
Hitchcock: Teenage romance, dying chick, oxygen mask. Checks all my boxes.

Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Jake: So, Adrian Working from home, hum? What happened to the office?
Adrian Pimento: Couldn't afford the rent. I'll be honest with you guys, this PI thing is not going great. Got a couple of bad reviews online, and that pretty much tanked me. I mean, what does "weird energy" even mean? Am I right?
Captain Holt: Well, my guess is that people find you somewhat threatening and erratic.
Adrian Pimento: Okay, yeah. That tracks.

Adrian Pimento: Guys, I'm telling you. The fake snorting can work. Watch.
[sniffs] Oh. [coughing] Oh, I got so much that time. [laughs] Whoa, ooh, anybody wanna listen to Jamiroquai right now?
Jake: Okay, I'm just gonna move this away from your nose holes.

Gina: Charles, you know I legally can't answer. Do you want me to have my baby in jail?
Charles: All right, no more questions. Only statements. You are glowing. Brother to sister, you've never looked sexier.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man.

Gina: How many times have I smacked you in your face?
Charles: Lost count.
Gina: And you still have no fear of me.
Charles: I'm trying to read your womb vibe.
Gina: Exactly. Knock it off.

Adrian Pimento: But jokes on them 'cause I'm having tons of fun with all this free time. Catching up on reading, going for walks. It's great. The other day, I walked all the way to Maryland. Gorgeous.

Amy: We don't know no secret. You be crazy. I always talk like this. Down in Kokomo.

Captain Holt: I still have reservations about this plan. Perhaps you could say your dealer ran out or he's summering in Nantucket.

Adrian Pimento: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait for me! I'm here, I'm here. Okay, I followed you here all the way on my bike.
Captain Holt: We were going very fast.
Adrian Pimento: I know. I'm still pretty coked up. Let's do this, Nine-Nine!
Captain Holt: You are not a police officer. You're not part of this mission.
Adrian Pimento: Right, okay. Well, I'm just gonna go in this bank and cash a check. Whatever happens happens. Am I right?

Charles: If anything happens to Jake, I'll never forgive myself. My last words to him were, "No, you're the man."
Sergeant Jeffords: That actually sounds pretty nice, Boyle.
Charles: Nice isn't good enough, Sarge.

Gina: Okay, I should be back in an hour. If my desk phone rings, just ignore it. I don't answer it anyway.
Sergeant Jeffords: You shouldn't tell me stuff like that.

Amy: Where's Gina going? That's, like, the third time she's taken off this week.
Sergeant Jeffords: She has a doctor's appointment.
Scully: You know what that's code for. She's taking a nap in the furnace room.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is that what you do? Because you really should go to the doctor. When you breathe it sounds like someone's shaking a bag of quarters.
Scully: You're right. [grabbing a pillow from his desk drawer] I'll go to the doctor right now.

Amy: The only celebrity I've ever seen in real life was Paul Shaffer. It was exhilarating.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Get them out of my sight. Dirty cops make me sick!
Jake: They make me sick! I'm the sick one! She's dirty! I'm clean! I'm a clean boy!

Adrian Pimento: Oh, my God, you really punched me. Oh, my God, that hurt.
Jake: Are you okay?
Adrian Pimento: What? Yeah, this is my character. I'm a coward. Come on. Give me everything you got.

Gina: Mm-kay. It's fine. You might as well know. I am with child.
Amy: Congratulations.
Charles: Yes, I'm gonna be an uncle. I'm gonna be an uncle. All right, someone take a picture of me kissing her belly.
Gina: Negative, get out.

Jake: Well, that's all well and good, but we're not actually dirty. We can't just beat somebody up.
Adrian Pimento: What if that someone gave you permission?
Rosa: Babe, do you want us to beat you up?
Adrian Pimento: Ugh, yes, please. Anything to feel alive. I was lying before about enjoying walking. It sucks, and Maryland is a giant pile of garbage.

Rosa: We can make fake cocaine for ourselves out of vitamin B powder.
Jake: Ooh, vitamin B. The second-best vitamin.

Rosa: Everybody down! [guns cocking]
Jake: I called that. Everybody down! It's not as good. They're already down.
Rosa: Palms on the floor! I wanna see your hands!
Jake: I also wanna see your hands! You're taking all the good lines.

Charles: The daddy's a Property Brother, isn't he? It's a Property Baby.

Jake: Speaking of which, Captain, any luck getting coke out of evidence?
Captain Holt: One bag of primo blow, as is the parlance.

Jake: So not sure if Paxton told you, but we brought a perp in earlier.
Rosa: Good-looking guy, weird energy.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Here.
Jake: Oh, no, I'm good. Not to be snobby, but I got my own stash. It's the bomb. Smuggled this vial in on a plane. Stuck it right up my butt. [laughs] Want some?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: No, thanks. I'm good with the non-butt coke.
Jake: Suit yourself.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, wow, that's good stuff. Who's your guy?
Jake: Actually, it's a woman. Women can be drug dealers too #lmWithHer.

Charles: You guys, I found out why Gina lied about the non-disclosure agreement.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because of how invasive and crazy you are?
Charles: Oh, Terry, you gullible little rube.It's because of which cousin it is. That's right. I found out which Boyle seed did the deed.

Gina: What're you doing here?
Milton: Thought I would take my warrior goddess out to a surprise dinner.
Charles: Oh, is the surprise that you can afford dinner since you dropped out of high school?
Milton: I left after junior year to be a professional snowboarder.
Gina: And now he owns a winter apparel company that donates snow to the poor.
Milton: Water.

Rosa: Okay, so we beat the crap out of my fiancee.
Captain Holt: And you're okay with this?
Rosa: Yeah. I just want him to be happy.
Jake: Aww. You guys are a weird couple, but it appears we have a plan.

Captain Holt: What was wrong with the step class?
Jake: Too public. Couldn't take the risk.
Rosa: Also, one of us yarfed all over himself after the class.
Jake: Yeah, and it doesn't matter which one of us he was.

Captain Holt: So what kind of dirt did you dig up on Hawkins?
Jake: Nothing concrete, but we think we know their next target: Capital Trust Bank, Fort Greene Branch.
Rosa: As part of our investigation into the Golden Gang, she managed to get alarm schematics and blueprints. It's the perfect cover. She's so smooth.
Jake: Oh, yeah, she's a smooth criminal. MJ, RIP.

Jake: Great form, Captain. Your calves are looking toit.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God, look what Gina was working on.
Charles: "Volcano," "Tibia," "JerHonor," "Concretius," "The Enigma". Oh, she's lost her mind.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, look at what the file is called.
Charles: BabyNames.doc. You guys, Gina's gonna have a baby.

Amy: No, I think Charles might be right. Yesterday, I asked her to go for a drink, and she said, "That sounds like a nightmare."
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, Amy.
Amy: Okay. Just give me this, please. I'd feel so much better about my self if it was because she was pregnant.

Jake: The problem is, we're not in her inner circle. She barely talks to us, and I've been super charming.
[cut to Jake talking to Hawkins:]
Jake: So what you binging these days?
[present:]
Jake: What? Everyone's binging these days. It's how we consume content.

Charles: So what's really going on with Gina? Wait. You don't think-
Sergeant Jeffords: That she hates work and doesn't wanna be here? Yeah, I do think.
Charles: No, that she's pregnant. It all makes sense now. Last week, I brought in unpasteurized boar's milk and she refused to drink any.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not a real convincing argument, Boyle.

Gina: Right, well, I would love to give you that info, but there's one little problem. I signed a non-disclosure agreement, which bars me from revealing his identity.
Amy: Wait, is he famous?
Gina: [chuckles]
Charles: Is it Batali?
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, she can't say. Is it Batali?
Gina: Legally, I cannot say. I'm so sorry, guys, but I can give you a hint, and that hint is: He real famous. [all gasp] Ooh, y'all are agog. Textbook agog. Come on, fetus, let's bounce.

Jake: Ooh, schnoops. You said that to her before and then she flipped it on you. You got flipped on, son.

Jake: God, why is this so hard for me? Do I even have quads?

Jake: Oh, great. Awesome. Obviously, we're on board. Just one thing, if Rosa doesn't eat breakfast, she's a real bear.Plus, I should go home, take a shower, and gots to watch my "Michael and Kelly."

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Cell phones in the bag.
Jake: Why?
Paxton: It's standard procedure. We don't like having phones at parties.
Jake: Right, it's like, "Look up from your screens people." You're missing out on the best app there is. Real life.

Rosa: Bartender made me my favorite drink. It's called a bottle of whiskey.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: I like your style. You know, when I first met you two, I thought you were pretty uptight.
Jake: More like down loose. That's nothing.

Paxton: Lieutenant, the manager of the Capital Trust Bank in Fort Greene is here.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, yeah.
Rosa: Was that bank even hit?
Paxton: We brought him in because we think it might be the next target.
Rosa: Is that standard procedure?
Paxton: You ask a lot of questions.
Jake: She really doesn't. One time I broke my arm, and she didn't even ask me what happened, and it was a really funny story. [chuckles] Wow, now nobody's asking what happened? This is insane.

Jake: Morning, Lieutenant Hawkins. Hey, have you ever considered going by Lady Hawk? Pretty sweet flick. Matty Broderick, Shelly Pfeiffer, Alf Molina. Not to be confused with Alf, Alf. We all love him.

Amy: Come on, Charles, you have to admit, they're perfect for each other.
Charles: Yeah, I guess I'm happy for her. Let's just hope the baby doesn't get his looks. What a dweeb.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nah, bro, he's hot.

Milton: Hey, I had a great idea for a baby name.
Gina: What is it?
Milton: If it's a girl, how about "The Enigma"?
Gina: Oh, my God, I already thought of that, and then if it's a boy, it could just be-
Both: "The Enigmo."

Charles: The father is Milton.
Amy: Who's Milton? We're not a part of your family.
Charles: He's a total loser. I mean, of all the Boyle's to bang, why bang Milton Boyle?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's that bad?
Charles: "He's that bad?" Wow, Terry, you are a rube.

Jake: Ugh, this place smells like-
Rosa: Regret? Failure?
Jake: Ketchup.

Amy: We know you're lying.
Gina: I am offended. Nay, outraged that-
Sergeant Jeffords: We saw you eating cheese pizza all alone.
Gina: Oh, okay, then you caught me.
Charles: Gina, what is really going on?
Gina: Immaculate conception?

Charles: Admit it, Gina. There was no celebrity. There was no fancy lunch at redacted.
Gina: Well, that's strange because I remember eating lobster-fed beef. It's the best kind. The cows live by the sea and they eat only lobster.

Sergeant Jeffords: We don't think you're pregnant. Sharon's pregnant. Uh, that's not true. God, I hope it's not true. What if Sharon's pregnant?

Charles: Okay, fine, but you have to tell us everything. How do you feel? When are you due? Oh, my God, I don't even know who the father is. Who's the father?
Gina: Who's the father? Well, let's just say he's a destroyer of worlds, and I am his moon and stars.
Charles: Amazing. I still need his name, phone number, and shirt size. I have a fun group Halloween costume idea. I won't tell you what it is. It's "Three Men and a Baby." You're Guttenberg.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You know, a bunch of us are going out drinking tonight. You wanna come?
Jake: You know it. But I should probably warn you, me and Rosa go pretty hard.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Great. Bring some coke.
Jake: Oh, so you mean, hard, hard. Okay, sweet. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet. Cocaine. Coc-a-ina.
Rosa: No.
Jake: No?

Rosa: Guess we're all a little clumsy.
Jake: Yes, indeed. I stepped on my omelet this morning. Not pertinent, let's continue with our covert conversation.

Gina: Uh, you guys, I would love to stay and chat about my unborn king or queen, but I just got a text from redacted, and he wants to take me to a fancy lunch at redacted, so I gotta get outta here, but you know what? I'll be back at redacted o'clock.