Jake: A walk in the park, how romantic. And I know where all the murder spots are.
Sophia: Ah, do you want to see them or avoid them?
Jake: The choice is yours, m'lady.

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate this. Everyone is looking at us.
Jake: Only because we're equally massive, beautiful men in tuxes.

Jake: Turned out, she was writing something. Specifically, "marry me, or else I will kill you. Yours forever, Helen Gorbelson".
Vin Stermley: Wow, that's so many fires.
Jake: So many fires.

Charles: Hey, hey dum-dum. What are you thinking? Introducing Amy to her celebrity crush? Are you insane?
Jake: Relax, Charles. It's not a crush, it's her nerdy crossword puzzling hero. I mean, the guy's got to be a massive dork. His name is Melvin Stermley, for God's sake.
Amy: Jake, he's here. Come meet Melvin.
Vin Stermley: Hey, you can call me Vin.
Jake: But, where is nerd?

Jake: [singing] Doug Judy I wish you were alive, Doug Judy God will give you a high five [high-pitched] Doug Judy-
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no, he gave himself a key change.
Jake: [singing] Yeah, yeah, yeah, Doug Judy You're a friend, friend, friend Doug Judy! [screeching] This song is at its end Thank you so much. [screeching]
[talking] You've been a great audience. I mean, it's a funeral. That's psychotic. I'm so sorry.

Jake: Charles, did you call this into dispatch?
Charles: Yes, but I can't get in touch with anyone from the Nine-Nine.
Jake: Right. Amy, Rosa and Holt are having the time of their lives thrashing around in the frozen filthy ocean.

Jake: Now, you were wondering why we did this in the bathroom, it's 'cause you're full of crap.
Charles: Blamo. Jake-hammer strikes again.
Jake: Jake-hammer strikes again.

Jake: Excuse me. We were just looking for a place to-
Amy: Boink.
Jake: Yes, boink. That's my preferred term for it, too.

Jake: Sir, you're the perfect candidate: smart, well-respected, you smell great. That has nothing to do with the job. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you. Is it sandalwood?
Captain Holt: Please calm down.
Jake: Right, totally. Don't wanna jinx it.
Captain Holt: I don't believe in jinxes.
Jake: Great, then you won't mind me saying it's a lock. You're definitely gonna get it, and you're gonna smell even better with that Lord High Commander of all Justice stank on you.

Jake: I will stop at nothing to get that trophy. I will shoot you all in the face if I have to.
Go team!

Jake: That's right, y'all. We went to Homeland Security. Yep, this beauty comes fully equipped with thermal imaging, a satellite link-up, and she plugs in to every surveillance camera in the city.
Sergeant Jeffords: And she's also got a holding cell, which is big enough for three perps. Jake, counting this guy, how many perps have we caught and placed in the three-perp perp cell?
Jake: Well, Sarge, we've placed three perps in the three-perp perp cell.
Sergeant Jeffords: So, the three-perp perp cell's full?
Jake: Full of three perps is the three-perp perp cell.
Amy: Okay, stop saying "perps" and "cell" and "three."

Charles: The Ebony Falcon.
Jake: No, the Ebony Falcon had no fear. He's the Ebony Antelope now. Brave enough to drink at the lake, but wise enough to run from the lions.

Jake: So you supposedly build skate parks, huh? What are your three favorite tricks?
Captain Julie Kim: Oh, gingersnap, plasma spin, roast beef grab. What about you?
Jake: Ollies. And the roast beef one that you said. It doesn't matter. We're both skaters. Let's move on.

Party guest: There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.
Amy: Amen.
Jake: There isn't?!

Captain Holt: Boy, you really thought you had him with that one, huh?
Jake: Well, I-
Captain Holt: You got so excited for it. Let me guess, you, ah, practiced that notebook flip?
Jake: Well, yes, obviously.
Captain Holt: I'd like to move on, unless you have any other big revelations in here. Let's see. "I'm Gomez, You're Morticia, I feel so happy when I'm wit' ya."
Jake: I was just spit-balling wedding vows there.