Adrian Pimento: No, Jake. You don't understand. The universe is sending me a sign. And when the universe talks, I listen!
Jake: Well, I personally don't even really believe in signs, so-
Adrian Pimento: What? Then you deserve to die.

Gina: You excited for being married?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah! I love Rosa. I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her earholes, and eat the hair off her head. Hoo! I'm giddy.
Gina: Aw, that's cute.

Jake: So, big day. How you feeling, buddy?
Adrian Pimento: Good, giddy. [laughs] I've never felt giddy before. Didn't realize how close it was to hungry.
Jake: You know, it's possible you're just hungry. When's the last time you ate?
Adrian Pimento: Uh, three days ago?
Jake: Ah.

Jake: I'll do it, it's fine. But I should warn you, my car is a piece of junk and it's always breaking down.
Adrian Pimento: Ah, come on! The universe isn't gonna let anything bad happen to two best friends unless we're in a fiery crash, and our bodies are burned beyond recognition.

Adrian Pimento: Cool, I need to go to Neustadter, New York. I gotta pick up a pair of ruby earrings I pawned before I went into hiding.
Jake: Neustadter's like six hours away. I'm not so sure we can get there and back in time.
Adrian Pimento: Jake, there's no wedding without the earrings. My grandmother wore them on her wedding day, and said they blessed her union. Do you want this union to be blessed, Jake? Or do you want this union to be friggin' unblessed?

Rosa: We're picking up where we left off when Adrian went into hiding. We're getting married tomorrow.
Sergeant Jeffords: Tomorrow. That's real quick.
Adrian Pimento: Thank you, Sarge.

Charles: And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.
Adrian Pimento: I don't understand what he's so scared about. If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me.
Charles: A thing you told him several times.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can we back up? What were you doing in Boyle's closet in the first place?
Adrian Pimento: Well, I still had a key from when I was crashing there last year, and I wanted to shower and anoint my body with essential oils before I saw Rosa.
Duh.

Jake: Why were you in jail?
Adrian Pimento: Ah, I got shot down smuggling ammo to a rebel group, flying an old Soviet prop plane. They tortured us. Made me eat my co-pilot's tongue. Oof, now I've got a taste for it.

Adrian Pimento: I got a way better job now. I'm working at one of those fancy hand lotion stores. Spoiler alert: I have a gun again, and I've gotten to use it three times. You would be surprised how often teenage girls try and shoplift mango hand cream.

Adrian Pimento: Say it with me, Jake. You've been-
Jake: Denied!
Adrian Pimento: Butt-slammed!
Adrian Pimento: Wait, what?
Jake: Denied, like the stamp?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, that is so much better. "Butt-slammed" is so stupid.

Adrian Pimento: Oh, is that right, Jake? Are we still friends? If that's the case, then when did I lose my virginity?
Jake: Oh, man, you've told us so many intense graphic sex stories.
Adrian Pimento: I have! But a true friend always remembers a friend's first.
Charles: Jake, we know this! It's got to be one of the swamps. Uh, Florida swamp, or Okefenokee Swamp, or oh, was it a bayou?
Jake: No, no, no! I've got it. Summer of '91, at a screening of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves".
Adrian Pimento: Well done. It was Bryan Adams' soundtrack and Kevin Costner's flawless British accent that put us in the mood to get gross.

Adrian Pimento: First you cut me out of your lives, then you try and get me fired? My therapist was right about you guys. You're a couple of dinguses.
Jake: You have a therapist?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, he's helping me work on my rotator cuff.
Charles: Oh, I see, it's a physical therapist.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, he's very physical, Charles. Very physical.

Adrian Pimento: What the hell? How come I didn't know? I thought we were supposed to be friends. Oh, wait a minute. Did this, like, just happen?
Jake: Well, it was at Halloween.
Adrian Pimento: Wha- no, that's so long ago! Charles, are you just finding out about this too?
Charles: No, I was there.
Adrian Pimento: You were there? Who else? Who else got to be a part of this?
Jake: Nobody, you know, just Holt, and Terry, and Rosa.
Adrian Pimento: Okay.
Jake: And Hitchcock and Scully.
Adrian Pimento: Seriously?
Jake: And this creepy guy named Bill.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, come on! I'm the creepy guy that's supposed to be at stuff that you have happen.

Adrian Pimento: Anyway, what's up with you guys? Hey, Jake, who you porking?
Jake: Uh, I guess Amy and I are still - I don't want to say it.
Adrian Pimento: Yep.
Jake: Porking.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, you are. Nice.