Captain Holt: Marriage is a con-tract
Between two adults of- -different families.
It's a Haiku. And a fact. It works on two levels.

Captain Holt: So, you're leaving. That must've been a hard decision.
Jake: Honestly... [looks at Amy] It wasn't.
Captain Holt: It's funny. On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone. He told me you were a great detective, but the one thing you couldn't figure out was how to grow up. Well... I think you've finally figured it out.
Jake: Well, thank you, sir. I couldn't have done it without you.
Captain Holt: Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure.
Jake: Did I? I didn't realize that.
Captain Holt: But I want you to know if I had had a son and, uh, he had turned out like you, I would be very proud of him.
Jake: Thank you, sir. Wow. Wasn't expecting to get this emotional.
Captain Holt: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: [chuckles] Sir, did you just make a joke?
Captain Holt: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie. Did I do that right?
Jake: It was perfect. [both chuckle softly]

Jake: Okay, according to the tracker it's close. Let's just agree that we're gonna pick it up and head to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Amy: Yeah, I agree. That you can suck it! We will end up at Shaw's, which is actually a meaningful final location. [tires screech, horn honks]
Sergeant Jeffords: Are we too late? Did you get the tube?
Jake: No, it's somewhere in this building. Brooklyn Storage Solutions.
Amy: Wait a second.
Charles: I know this place.
Jake: Yes, this is where we worked our first case with Captain Holt.
Captain Holt: That's right, it's a meaningful location. Tonight is my victory lap. I planned the perfect goodbye.
Jake: You have gotta be kidding me.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I've made a terrible mistake. I am sorry about your pictures and your award and your computer...
Deputy Chief Williams: And yelling that I was wearing a wig and then trying to tear out my actual hair?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, that was a compliment! It's so thick and full for a man of your age.
Deputy Chief Williams: What?
Captain Holt: Let me handle this. The truth is, Lieutenant Jeffords acted like an irresponsible, insane madman.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Deputy Chief Williams: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Captain Holt: But looking at this incident from a different angle, it shows why he'll make a great captain. He's here before you owning his mistake. When I started at the Nine-Nine, I felt I had to be seen as infallible. But he taught me the importance of being seen as human. He made me a better leader. And you would be a fool not to make him a captain.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's touched.
Deputy Chief Williams: Yes, powerful words. As are these: happy heisting, suckas!
Both: What?
Deputy Chief Williams: Oh, you were right, this was a wig. [rips off wig] Ow. [exits]
Both: No!

Captain Holt: We're not gonna force our way into an armored vehicle. We'll need to use our brains. In the end, Gina will just hand me the keys to that truck.
[later, Holt knocks on the window of Gina's armored van:]
Gina: You.
Captain Holt: [on phone] Unusual activity on your socials?
Gina: You hacked me.
Captain Holt: I gave control of your entire social media portfolio to Hitchcock and Scully.
Gina: And you told them to embarrass me?
Captain Holt: Worse, I told them to just be themselves.
Gina: My God, I've agreed to host an Instagram Live for Outback Steakhouse.
Captain Holt: They're inside the precinct, if you want to go stop them.
Gina: You're a monster.

Jake: Hey there, Ray-Ray.
Captain Holt: Nice outfit, Peralta. It's very attractive. I'm making a pun. I know that's a magnet suit because I sold it to you.
Jake: You're Kazimir?
Captain Holt: [Ukrainian: "Of course I'm Kazimir"] And unfortunately for you, I have a remote that can active your vest and prevent you from controlling it.
Jake: No, no, no!
Captain Holt: [Ukrainian: "Thanks a lot, dumbass."] You stick around, okay? "Stick around" was another magnet pun.
Jake: Yeah, I get it was a pun!

Captain Holt: Wuntch's grave.
Rosa: Wow. Did Terry put up a balloon arch just for the heist?
Captain Holt: No, that was me. I come every week to install a fresh one. But enough chit-chat. Let's dig her up.
Amy: I don't think we wanna do that.
Captain Holt: Why, are you scared of what she'd look like? She's just a corpse with worms for eyes, no different than when she was alive.

Rosa: Well, looks like it's gonna be a sprint out of the elevator.
Captain Holt: This is unfortunate. I didn't want to have to reveal it this early.
Jake: Reveal what this early?
Captain Holt: My most precious secret. My tattoo!
[As the elevator doors open, Captain Holt steps out, bends down and lowers his trousers]
Jake: [gasps] What am I looking at?
Amy: Is that what I think it is?
Jake: Kevin's human head on Cheddar's dog body?
Captain Holt: I asked for a tattoo of Kevin and Cheddar. I don't know why he combined them.
Jake: It's... it's...
Captain Holt: It's the ultimate distraction. [elevator doors start to close]
Jake: No, wait, wait!

Jake: All right. Rosa Diaz, your partner will be the lovely Amy Santiago.
Captain Holt: Diaz, want to trade? Hitchcock, Scully, and the donkey, three for one? I'll even throw in Cheddar.
Rosa: Why? So he can spy on me?
Captain Holt: Oh, please. Cheddar's not a spy.
[Rosa opens the blinds to reveal Cheddar on the other side of the window]
Captain Holt: [over radio] Abort, she's onto us.
Jake: So Cheddar has an earpiece?

Jake: For Captain Holt and Amy's last day, I've been granted permission to throw a final non-holiday-associated heist.
Captain Holt: But before we begin, I'd like to say a few words. These last eight years have been some of the best of my life. I will always cherish our time together. But not as much as I will cherish drowning you all in your own blood.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: It's the final heist and I will chop off your limbs and feed them to your young. Now quit stalling and introduce it.
Jake: That's the spirit!

Captain Holt: I've just come back from One Police Plaza, and I have some good news.
Jake: The union voted and O'Sullivan's out?
Captain Holt: No, he was reelected for life, which I didn't think was technically possible.
Captain Holt: But the good news is, the commissioner has approved our police reform program and will be implementing it citywide.
Sergeant Jeffords: Citywide?
Charles: Wow!
Jake: That's amazing.
Captain Holt: Yes, I know. It is exciting. But there's no guarantee that it'll work. There's a lot of resistance to change. Nevertheless, it's our duty to try because if we don't, then we are truly lost. Which is why I will not be retiring. I have been appointed deputy commissioner of police reform.

Justice of the Peace: We are gathered here to affirm the marriage of Raymond Holt and Kevin Cozner.
Kevin: We don't have to do this. Everyone who's not family has already gone home, and we need to hurry.
Captain Holt: No, this is important. Kevin Cozner... when we first got married, I thought of it primarily as a legal contract, which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code 301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.
Jake: And yet he can't remember Mac's name.
Captain Holt: But I finally learned what marriage really is. It's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for. It's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes. And that feeling is all that matters. Which is why I will now purge tax code 301.7701-18 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever. It's done.
Kevin: Oh, Raymond.
Justice of the Peace: Raymond Holt, do you promise to continue to live in this marriage for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health as long as you two both shall live?
Captain Holt: I do. And, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes, yes, we're still married. We really have to go.

Captain Holt: Well, I don't know anyone's phone number either, except for Kevin's, and obviously, we can't call him.
Jake: How do you not know a single phone number? I've literally watched you memorize the entire terms and conditions agreement for a credit card.
Captain Holt: True, but to make room for important information like that, I regularly purge my brain of useless facts like phone numbers or the names of people's children.
Jake: But you know the name of my son, right?
[flashbacks:]
Captain Holt: The little guy has his mother's eyes.
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: Rough night with the little guy?
Captain Holt: Oh, hello there, the little guy.
[present:]
Jake: How did I never see that? Am I a bad detective?
Captain Holt: We don't have time to go into that.
Jake: It would've been much faster to just say, "No, you're great."

Jake: Okay, everything is all... What am I looking at?
Carol: Your friend here was very clumsy and he spilled on himself.
Jake: Well, we got everything we needed, but I can wait if Maxwell needs a little more time to dry off.
Captain Holt: No, no, no, I'm all dry now. We can leave.
Carol: Oh, wait, let me give you my number. I only have the landline, so if my son, Frankie, answers, hang up. He gets a little jealous.
Captain Holt: Not to worry, Mrs. O'Sullivan. Maxwell Maxwell is nothing if not discreet.
Carol: [pulls out gun] Not discreet enough.
Jake: Okay, look, I don't know what kind of freaky stuff you guys are into, but I want no part of it.

Jake: Let's just try to stay calm. I think you're making a big mistake here.
Carol: No, I'm not. He called me Mrs. O'Sullivan. That was my name three marriages ago. I'm Carol Shaughnessy now. If he's calling me Mrs. O'Sullivan, it's 'cause he knows who my son is and you're up to something.
Captain Holt: Carol, baby.
Carol: Don't "baby" me. Get down in the basement.
Captain Holt: Well, I always like going down.
Carol: I said move. I'm calling my son.
Jake: Feel like she considered it.