Captain Holt: You have until tomorrow, you grackle.

Rosa: Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.
Captain Holt: Oh, please stay Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around, or she turns into a she-wolf.

Captain Holt: There's no such thing as a backwards 'w'.

Captain Holt: Did he say what he would do to him?
Jake: No, they ran over a huge pothole and then complained about de Blasio for the next hour.
Captain Holt: Yes, he needs to do something about the roads.

Rosa: You're back so soon. Did you catch your guy?
Captain Holt: No, he was dead, so I'll never catch him. Also, Amy bought us tainted meat, and now I have diarrhoea.

Captain Holt: Stop! You're entering the zone of visibility. Someone could see you through the windows.
Jake: Why don't we just close the blinds?
Captain Holt: At mid-day? That's far too suspicious. Blinds will only be closed at night. If you must go into the living room, crawl on your belly. Observe.
Jake: Seems a little extreme.
Captain Holt: You're right, it's extreme of me to try to prevent my husband from being shot in the face. I'm over-doing it. Kevin, come in here. Take your bullet.

Captain Holt: This is one of several designated areas where you can stand upright during the day. You can move about freely in this square.
Jake: Wow, so we have all this room to work in?
Captain Holt: Your hand can be seen from the living room window. You just killed Kevin.
Kevin: Raymond-
Captain Holt: I can't hear you, Kevin. You're dead.

Captain Holt: Quite a big package you've got there. Oh, I apologize for the double entendre. I can be such a Samantha.
Guard: Really? You don't seem like a Samantha.
Captain Holt: Well, I'm actually a combination of all four characters.
Both: Five if you count the city of New York.

Captain Holt: Hmm. What about Steve? He seems nice.
Gina: Oh, Steve is nothing. No one likes Steve.
Captain Holt: [writing down] "Steve is nothing."

Charles: So close your eyes and open your mouth.
Captain Holt: This isn't burning man, Boyle. Tell me what I'm eating.
Charles: Fine. It's a sharp Vermont Cabot. Now describe what you taste.
Captain Holt: Cheese.
Charles: And...
Captain Holt: Cheese.

Captain Holt: Hello, Miss Sumter.
Miss Sumter: Hello, Captain. I'm excited to speak to you subordinates and learn more about your management style.
Captain Holt: I thought you could talk to Sergeant Jeffords here.
Miss Sumter: Sergeant? Oh, um, I'd rather not talk to a supervisor. I was hoping to interview one of your detectives. Perhaps, um, him?
Captain Holt: No!
Miss Sumter: Excuse me?
Captain Holt: There was a wasp near me, which has since disappeared. You can interview Detective Hitchcock and I am completely fine with that.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oop, they're looking at us. Act natural.
Captain Holt: Spreadsheet, spreadsheet.
Sergeant Jeffords: Crime, crime.
Captain Holt: Precinct, precinct.

Jake: Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email.
Captain Holt: "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do.
Sent from my stinky butt."
Jake: I was hacked?
Captain Holt: Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.
Jake: You're very welcome.
Captain Holt: I was addressing your stinky butt.

Jake: Oh, sir, one other thing, Hitchcock got trapped out on the balcony.
Captain Holt: Good, sounds like we dodged a bullet there.

Captain Holt: Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!
Jake: So long, tank.
Captain Holt: Tank? I gained three pounds in Paris. Three pounds!