Captain Holt: It's a pretty juicy crowd out there. Okay, everyone, remember your role. Patrick, solos. Scully, mouth percussion. Rosa, mouth percussion. Amy, silent mouth percussion-
Amy: I can't even mouth percuss?
Captain Holt: No. Terry, mouth percussion. Hitchcock stay backstage.

Scully: Guys, personally, I think we should go out there and just sing our best. Caroling isn't about competing. It's about having fun together.
Captain Holt: Well, now that you put it that way, Scully, it makes me realize Rosa and Terry are right. I say we quit the competition and hurl projectiles at the MTA.

Captain Holt: Yes, well, I have other matters to attend to. So, Detective Diaz, just take down everything Mr. Lynch has to say.
Rosa: Captain!

Gina: But allow me to introduce to you Rob. Rob, come on in. He called the tip line.
Rosa: But he's so not crazy-looking.
Gina: Rosa, have Abdala and I taught you nothing about stereotyping? I'm beginning to feel like you're our biggest project, sweetie.
Captain Holt: Enough. What did he tell you?
Gina: Well, let's find out, okay? Together. Rob, do you want to share your experience with the group?
Rob: Gladly. Okay, so, you know how there's a subterranean race of lizard-people living beneath the city who control our minds with their pheromones?
Captain Holt: Okay, he's a wackadoodle. Gina, get your wackadoodle out of here.

Captain Holt: No, he said that the lizard-people live under the streets. He means the sewers. He saw someone go from the van into the sewers. Look.
Rosa: It's a manhole cover.
*Captain Holt and Rosa repeat the foreign woman's phrase*
Woman: [EXCLAIMS]

Doug Judy: Cap, got some hors d'oeuvres. I don't know what you like, so I guessed: the radishes they put on the side for decoration?
Captain Holt: Mmm, thank you. Cut into a flower? Where are we, Las Vegas?

Charles: Captain, can we talk?
Captain Holt: Boyle, you know my feelings about bathroom conversations. Steadfastly against.

Charles: I don't know, sir. This could be an opportunity. I mean, WWBD, right? What Would Bugs Do?
Captain Holt: Good question. What would Bugs do?
Charles: Bugs would blackmail Grayson.
Captain Holt: Then I, sir, am no Bugs. I won't break the law.

Amy: I'm so sorry, sir. I can come back later.
Captain Holt: No, it's too late. The call is ruined. [on the phone] Good-bye, dear.

Captain Holt: Look, I know we all want this precinct to survive, but I'm proud of them. Loyalty to your friends and fellow officers is important, but more important is our loyalty to this city and its citizens. So I guess what I'm trying to say is ... let's go get drunk.

Sergeant Jeffords: I appreciate that, Captain.
Captain Holt: Are you still upset?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Not at all.
Captain Holt: You should consider modifying your handshake. It's sending the wrong message.
Sergeant Jeffords: Copy that.

Jake: Yeah, we don't really go for the talks. We're more interested in the extracurriculars. Fart-five.
Captain Holt: Of course, Rochester has much to offer in that sphere. For instance, it's famed thermometer museum.

Captain Holt: Oh, no. Hold still. I'm gonna hide behind you like you're a tree.

Jake: I promise you, Holt won't find out. His room is all the way across the hotel from ours. He insisted so he'd have a view of the Rochester skyline.
[cut to Jake and Holt in his hotel room:]
Captain Holt: Ah, drink it in, Peralta. The Mustard City.

Captain Holt: I have an extra graphing calculator I could leave in there for the children.