Jake: All right. A man has been poisoned, his will is missing, and there's only one person who stands to profit. Lyndon Boyle.
Charles: Lyndon's not a killer.
Sam Boyle: I mean, he did skip a Boyle family Zoom last summer.
Charles: Yeah, it's true. It's seven hours out of your day. How hard is that to fit in?
Jake: Okay, let's set up an interrogation room. I wanna make this guy as uncomfortable as possible.
[later:]
Jake: [chair creaking] I thought we were going for uncomfortable. What's with the rocking chair?
Charles: It's a farm. All the chairs are rockers. But don't worry, I under-steeped the tea.
Lyndon Boyle: Ugh. It's so weak. Why am I being treated like a criminal?
Jake: Okay. I stand corrected.

Tommy Boyle: It was such a great party. Everyone had the best time. I mean, except for Lyndon.
Jake: Lyndon wasn't happy?
Tommy Boyle: Yeah, it was strange. He was passing through the living room. I asked him if he wanted a little HJ. But he just ignored me. I mean, who doesn't want an HJ from their cousin?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hold up. An HJ?
Lyndon Boyle: A head job. A massage. Isn't that what everyone calls it?
Charles: You bet.
Sergeant Jeffords: Absolutely not.

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God. We can't tell Charles.
Jake: You wanna lie to our dear friend about the one thing that's most important to him in the whole world?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes.
Jake: Okay, good, me too. Now all we have to do is prove that Cousin Lyndon is the murderer before Charles asks about the DNA results.
Charles: Hi, guys.
Jake: Ah. Hey, man. Where'd you come from?
Charles: I slinked up. You know how good Boyles are at slinking. It's because of our fleshy toe pads.
Jake: Right. And you, Charles, have said fleshy toe pads because you are a Boyle, from snout to anus.
Charles: "A Boyle from snout to anus." That is so sweet. I'm stealing that for the eulogy.
Jake: Ah, you don't have to.

Charles: [over walkie-talkies] Seriously, guys, why are we doing this? We should just wait for the DNA test.
Jake: We will. But the lab said it would take a week. They had to get a new tech.
Charles: Oh, no. Why?
Jake: Uh... the old one had a bad allergic reaction to... beakers.
Charles: Ugh. Labs are full of them. That's awful.
Jake: Yeah, and real. Anyways, since Lyndon is our only actual suspect, we might as well investigate.
Charles: Let me ask you this. Is he gushing?
Jake: Don't say those words.
Charles: The pressure of keeping secrets makes Boyles stress-sweat. Once, we played Mafia, and you'd never seen so many dripping wet cousins in one room.
Jake: Come on.

Charles: [on the phone] Okay. I love you too, Dad. [hangs up] Did you guys change clothes?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, Charles. It's tomorrow now. You been on the phone for 14 hours.
Charles: Well, you know what they say, "Time flies when God pulls down his pants and takes a dump on your life."
Jake: Oh, buddy. I'm so sorry.
Charles: Being a Boyle was the backbone of my identity. Without the Boyle backbone, I'm just a bag of flesh. I'm goo.
Jake: Come on, you're not goo. Being a Boyle is about more than blood. It's what's in your heart.
Charles: Blood is what's in your heart. You're making it worse, Jake.
Jake: Okay, fine. Then what about Nikolaj? He was adopted, so technically, he's not a Boyle, but that never bothered you.
Charles: I didn't even think about Niko. He was already a Boyle once removed which is tough enough. Now he's twice removed? Twice-removed Boyles are a total [bleep] clown show, okay? Niko's basically Cousin Andrea. Sorry, Andrea.
Andrea Boyle: I know what I am.
Jake: Well, damn.

Jake: Today, we learned that Pappy Boyle's death was not foul play. But even though there was no murder, there was a robbery. Charles had his sense of self stolen from him by Sam Boyle. [all gasp] You said it yourself, Charles, the Boyles have a long history of cousin-on-cousin jealousy. Sam couldn't stand that you were chosen to give the eulogy. Think about it. It was Sam who made sure we knew the will was missing.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: We can't find Pappy's will.
Jake: [v.o.] Then Sam again who suggested you all get your DNA tested.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: Why not take a hair from every Boyle?
Jake: [v.o.] And finally, Sam who made sure we all knew the results.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: Did you get the DNA report back?
[present:]
Sam Boyle: This is ridiculous. I love Charles.
Jake: Okay, well then. I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving him a hug then. Since you love him so much.
Sam Boyle: Sure. I always like to hug my cousin.
Tommy Boyle: He's gushing! [all gasp]
Sam Boyle: Darn it. I thought these would hide it, but I gushed through my pit diapers. All right, fine. I always suspected that Charles wasn't one of us. I mean, he went through puberty at 13, instead of 25, like a normal Boyle. And when he got chosen to give the eulogy, something inside of me snapped. So I hid the will. I admit it. Are you happy now?
Jake: Very.
Charles: Not at all.
Jake: Wait, what? Charles, we solved the case. He confessed.
Charles: Doesn't matter. I'm still not a Boyle. I'm just a normal person. Normal from snout to anus.

Charles: Ah! I did it!
Becca Boyle: He's The One True Boyle. [cheers and laughter]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God. What is that stench?
Charles: It's the Grandmother Dough.
Sergeant Jeffords: It smells horrible.
Charles: Not to a Boyle. [sniffs deeply]

Sergeant Jeffords: I hid five clues, each leading to the next. And the last one gets you the tube. The first clue is under your chairs.
[later:]
Amy: "Our fallen colleague missing still..."
Captain Holt: "His replacement fits the bill..."
Jake: I can think of one colleague who literally fell. We all watched it happen and then we ate his sweet candy insides.
Charles: [shouts] The vending machine! [quietly] Is one theory, probably incorrect.
Jake: Damn it, Charles. Silent epiphany!

Charles: Oh, Jake, I can't believe you're leaving. I mean, it's not the Nine-Nine without you.
Jake: I know, but Rosa's already gone and Holt and Amy are moving on too.
Charles: Is that why you're doing this? To fit in with that crowd?

Jake: Look, whether we work together or not, we're always gonna be best friends and partners.
Charles: Right. Life partners.
Jake: Best friends.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Boyle, I'm glad you're sticking around. I'm gonna be depending on you a lot.
Charles: You got it, Captain, for diet and exercise tips.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? No. To solve cases. My body's fine.
Charles: Nice, that's a very healthy attitude.

Charles: My ears are burning. Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped. No big deal. Just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Charles: The boss at the academy, he invented a new weight class for me. You're looking at the undisputed bubble-weight champion.

Jake: Hot! Hot! Spicy cake. Why?
Charles: That's Habanero pepper frosting because our marriage is going to sizzle.

Charles: Breakups are the worst. Man, I just wanna walk up to Sophia, slap her in the face and say "Girl, you messed up."