Quote from the episode Captain Latvia
Charles: Hey, you Melvin?
Melvin: I am, who are you?
Charles: I'm Charles, from being on hold, and I want my package.
Melvin: Yeah, I already told you, that package isn't here.
Charles: Well, I made a sacred promise to my son, and you're not gonna make a liar out of me, so why don't you take another look? We'll wait. 'Cause we've got all night long. [Charles picks up Melvin's mug and smashes it in his hand]
Jake: Damn.
Charles: Oh, I don't know if you knew this, but I'm a cop. So maybe this time, don't lie to me.
Melvin: Hey, I didn't know you guys were police.
Charles: Well, now you do, genius. [Charles smashes another mug]
Jake: How do you keep doing that?
Charles: I don't know.
Quote from the episode Stakeout
Jake: All due respect, Sarge, but we don't need Alone Zones.
Charles: No, we do not. But, let me ask you a question, how do you feel about Scone Zones?
Quote from the episode Christmas
Charles: This is just like Christmas at my parent's house! Why do they have separate dining rooms?
Quote from the episode Charges and Specs
Charles: Vivian is my fiance. My ex-fiance. My never-wife.
Quote from the episode Thanksgiving
Charles: I am thankful to have someone in my life who gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning. And I hope that my relationship with this person will only grow ... more intimate.
Gina: Who are you talking about?
Charles: Umm, Hitchcock.
Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you guys talking about?
Jake: Work.
Charles: International taxes and tariffs.
Work.
Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon
Charles: Come with me. Experience the future of cloud-based scheduling.
Quote from the episode Fancy Brudgom
Charles: Okay, be kind. I don't have a model's body like you.
Quote from the episode Charges and Specs
Charles: I'm settling into the darkness nicely. (To Rosa) I definitely get you now.
Quote from the episode AC/DC
Jake: Take a picture.
Charles: Give me one second. This light is really unflattering for his complexion.
Quote from the episode The Chopper
Charles: Sorry guys, I've got this in the bag. I used to have to distract her from her phone all the time when we were smooshing booties.
Quote from the episode The Mole
Charles: Ever since then it's been orgasm city.
Jake: Urgh.
Amy: Yeuck.
Gina: Eww.
Quote from the episode Jake and Sophia
Charles: The luxury sex romp we had planned this weekend. The hotel says the "bubbles and bathrobes" package is non-refundable.
Gina: See, that's why I didn't want to pre-pay, Charles.
Charles: Yeah, but that's why we got such a good deal. One hour of free Wi-Fi!
Quote from the episode The Pontiac Bandit Returns
Gina: Boyle, this is bad. I thought our parents were just having a casual fling, but presents is like old people third base.
Charles: No, that's rubbing butts together.
Quote from the episode Stakeout
Rosa: Where do you want the food? And does braided herring and jellied starfish count as food?
Charles: Oh, indeed it does. I may be stuck in a tiny room, but my palate will travel the world.
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