Jake: NYPD! Stop where you are! Come on, Santa. Why are you so fat?

Jake: Take a good look, kids. This is what happens when you're naughty!

Jake: Good people of the nine-nine, I present to you the seventh wonder of the world, Doug Judy, aka the Pontiac bandit, foiled at last!

Doug Judy: Anyways, it's a shame I gotta ruin your celebration by cutting a deal and getting out of here.
Jake: Never! Right?
Doug Judy: I'm just saying, I know a lot of real high-profile felons. Makes me a very desirable tattletale.
Rosa: We will never cut a deal with you, not after you screwed us last year.
Doug Judy: You don't want any info on a local burglary ring, perhaps?
Captain Holt: Not good enough.
Jake: Testify, Captain!
Doug Judy: How about a guy who makes fake credit cards?
Captain Holt: Negative.
Jake: You see that, Judy? No matter what you say, you're going to jail.
Doug Judy: What about drugs? Y'all ever heard of giggle pig?
Rosa: What do you know?
Captain Holt: We're listening.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no, we're not listening. We can't hear him. Everybody shoot your guns in the air.

Doug Judy: I can give you Tito Ruiz.
Jake: Oh, come on, Judy! I mean, how do we even know this is real? This guy's a huckster! He's a lie guy.
Captain Holt: Peralta has a point. You have been a lie guy to us before.
Jake: Thank you.

Rosa: What are you doing? You look like a pervert.
Jake: Putting a GPS tracker in his shoe. He is not getting away from me again, even if it means putting my favorite hand into his rotten stink-boot.

Kyle: Three lobster thermidors, spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad with tater tots instead of croutons.
Jake: Oh, that's me. Salad. I'm trying to eat healthy.
Doug Judy: I hear that. Your body is a temple.

Jake: All right, I'm searching it.
Doug Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Peralta, what you doing, putting your fingers in my fancy feast?
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: How am I supposed to escape using a lobster?
Jake: Squeeze the lemon in my eyes, so I can't see, stab me in the jugular with a claw, and then shove the tail down my throat, so I can't scream for help. I gotta keep my eye on you, Judy. You're a slippery guy.

Doug Judy: Text Ruiz now, friend. Fine. Tito, dot, dot, dot. You around, question mark. Wanna meet up, period. Speech to text, we live in a magical age.
Jake: It's like The Jetsons.

Jake: Wow, sweet setup. What do you make here?
Tito Ruiz: Don't worry about it.
Jake: Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Captain Holt: Do you have a murder suspect to question?
Jake: He is in the interrogation room as we speak, sitting and, I assume, stewing. I put on a song that I think sums up his situation nicely.
[in the interrogation room, Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe" plays]
Jake: Because, you see-
Captain Holt: You got him, babe. I understood the wordplay, yes.

Jake: NYPD.
Mlepnos: Yes? Mlepnos.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Amy: NYPD, sir. Have you seen anything unusual today?
Mlepnos: Oh, no. This was nice, thank you.

Jake: The thief's name is Benjamin Disanto. Here's an old mug shot. He's surprisingly photogenic. A lot of criminals are, strangely.

Jake: Good afternoon, sir, I'm Detective Peralta. This is Detective always-stays-loyal. She's named after her father Alvin stays-loyal.

Adam Sandler: This is terrible you don't know what you're doing.
Jake: Adam Sandler?
Adam Sandler: Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian revolution.
Jake: Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?
Adam Sandler: Ha, ha. It's a serious movie. Trotsky.
Jake: Ah, there it is.
Adam Sandler: But he's got a wife who never wears a bra. I think you're gonna like it.
Jake: Thanks for dressing up, by the way.