Adam Sandler: New item up there. How much you guys wanna pay for me to stick my socks in this moron's mouth?
Joe Theismann: I will.
Jake: Did football legend Joe Theismann just bid $1,000 to put a sock in my mouth?
Joe Theismann: You bet.

Joe Theismann: My leg! My leg! You broke my other leg.
Jake: Uh.
Joe Theismann: Oh, this was supposed to be a safe event.
Jake: Nothing to see here. Except for the bone, sticking out of the leg.
Adam Sandler: Joe, I video'd it!

Jake: What a day, huh? Met Adam Sandler, broke Joe Theismann's leg, and solved an awesome case together.
Amy: Yeah, good day.
Jake: Hell yeah, it is. Drinks are on me.

Jake: You know what? You're being a bad partner. You're joining forces with the enemy. And from now on, I'm gonna call you "the cheetah." They're scavengers, just like vultures. And I kinda wish I hadn't said it, 'cause they're pretty cool. Come on, jewel thief. You're my only friend now.

Jake: Scully, what are you doing at my desk? And working? What is going on today?

Captain Holt: Updates on the case?
Jake: Well, you're gonna love this one. We busted the guy for grand larceny. And to celebrate, Santiago is taking a job interview at major crimes. Can you believe that?
Captain Holt: Yes, she told me yesterday.
Jake: What? Why didn't you try and talk her out of it? She would literally shave her head if you asked her to. Which, by the way, is a great idea for a prank, if you're looking to prank her.

Jake: Hey sarge, great news. I just got assigned such a dope stabbing. Sorry, the stabbing part is bad. But here's the dope part. The guy survived and he owns a chocolate milk restaurant.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously?
Jake: I know, right? Finally, a dumb Brooklyn hipster trend my mouth and I can get behind.Wanna hop on the case with me? We're a killer team. Jeffords and Peralta. Jake and Terry. Chocolate and milk. I mean, I'm the chocolate and you're the milk 'cause you're so full of protein! Don't be mad! Just do the case!

Jake: I know, he made me promise to not let him get that surgery. And it wasn't just the drugs. He doesn't want this. As his friend, it's my job to stop him. [screams] Sorry, Terry turned my spine into a loose stack of pebbles.

Sergeant Jeffords: Have you seen this man around DRK MLK?
Woman: Oh, I don't go there. They don't allow babies in there.
Jake: What is wrong with them? All I drank when I was a baby was chocolate milk.

Jake: Hey, Rosa, just who I was looking for. Quick question, can I have your friend Katie's phone number? I want to ask her out.
Rosa: No, I don't mix personal and professional. You're never getting her number.
Jake: Never like, "we're never gonna have a black President" never? 'Cause that happened.
Rosa: A real never. Like if you ever ask me about this again, you're never gonna be able to eat without a straw.
Jake: Yeah, okay, well you are on the wrong side of history, my friend.

Jake: Guys, guys, guys. Three-hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means?
Charles: Makeovers.
Jake: No, Charles. The Jimmy Jab Games!
All: Yeah!
Jake: The first Jimmy Jabs were held in 2008, when the King of Iraq-
Rosa: President, Iran.
Jake: Armen Jimmy Jab.
Rosa: Ahmadinejad.
Jake: Came to New York, and were on call for nine glorious hours in case there were protests. On that day, a young genius named Jake Peralta used the last piece of his bagel to create the first Jimmy Jab event.

Jake: As soon as Holt and Terry leave, we will commence with Jimmy Jab Seven, Circus of Fools. Jimmy Jabs...
All: [chanting] Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs! Jimmy Jabs! Jimmy Jabs!

Jake: Let the games begin!

Jake: Sure hope I don't sprain my arm during the face, 'cause I'm gonna be opening up a lot of doors for Katie on our date. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman.
Rosa: What are you doing, Jake?
Jake: Trash talking you, while simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend. It's a tough line to walk. Gotta loosen up my flower-buying fingers. I'm gonna go nuts on the daisies.

Amy: I can't believe I lost again! I was so psyched up for this. What happened?
Jake: Well maybe being so psyched up is what happened. Like every time we're doing police work, you're always super-smart and you stay calm and take your time, but every time we do dumb games like this, you get all frantic and act like a crazy idiot. My advice: Next time, don't act like a crazy idiot.
Amy: Thanks. That's surprisingly insightful.
Jake: Yeah, well, motherhood Really opens a man's eyes. I finally feel as if I'm part of something bigger than myself.
Amy: All right.
Jake: Too much?