Jake: The problem is, we're not in her inner circle. She barely talks to us, and I've been super charming.
[cut to Jake talking to Hawkins:]
Jake: So what you binging these days?
[present:]
Jake: What? Everyone's binging these days. It's how we consume content.

Rosa: Okay, so we beat the crap out of my fiancee.
Captain Holt: And you're okay with this?
Rosa: Yeah. I just want him to be happy.
Jake: Aww. You guys are a weird couple, but it appears we have a plan.

Rosa: Come on, I'll buy you a drink that doesn't have any pills in it.
Jake: Sounds good, but I wish you hadn't mentioned liquid. Now I have to pee. I promise you I will never drink water ever again.
Rosa: Thank God.
Jake: It's the worst.

Jake: Ooh, schnoops. You said that to her before and then she flipped it on you. You got flipped on, son.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You got Ocampo?
Jake: Oh, yeah, and you'll never guess where we found him. In the bathroom not going. He was hiding. I ruined the story.

Rosa: We can make fake cocaine for ourselves out of vitamin B powder.
Jake: Ooh, vitamin B. The second-best vitamin.

Jake: You're under arrest. Also, I'm gonna have to pee while I hold you at gunpoint. I've been drinking so much water.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, wow, that's good stuff. Who's your guy?
Jake: Actually, it's a woman. Women can be drug dealers too #lmWithHer.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Here.
Jake: Oh, no, I'm good. Not to be snobby, but I got my own stash. It's the bomb. Smuggled this vial in on a plane. Stuck it right up my butt. [laughs] Want some?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: No, thanks. I'm good with the non-butt coke.
Jake: Suit yourself.

Rosa: Everybody down! [guns cocking]
Jake: I called that. Everybody down! It's not as good. They're already down.
Rosa: Palms on the floor! I wanna see your hands!
Jake: I also wanna see your hands! You're taking all the good lines.

Rosa: Son of a bitch. Where'd you find a steering wheel?
Jake: I didn't. I had a Frisbee in the trunk, and I taped it on. That's right. I MacGyvered the donk out of this thing, and it worked flawlessly. Actually, I hit a ton of stuff on the way over here. It was awful.
Rosa: Of course you did.

Jake: Okay, update on our trial prep. This is our lawyer, Samuel Miller, who, in many ways, is in charge of our defense.
Samuel Miller: In every way.
Jake: Well, "many" is part of "every." I'm facing 15 years in prison. Just let me have this.

Rosa: I also like "Die Hard."
Jake: Really, Rosa? What's your favorite part?
Rosa: The shootouts.
Jake: Interesting. Vague and interesting. But it's funny 'cause I always thought your favorite movies were made by Nancy Meyers.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Seriously?
Rosa: What? No. I hate that crap.
Jake: Really? So you hate the one starring Diane Keaton and John Wick? What was it called again?
Rosa: I don't know.
Jake: "Something Has to Give"?
Rosa: "Something's Gotta Give."
Jake: I got ya.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: "There will not be a four." Die Hard. Nice.
Jake: You like "Die Hard"?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Best movie ever.
Jake: Best franchise ever. I even have the Justin Long one on Blu-ray.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: I saw the fifth one in the theaters.
Jake: So did I! Wait, there was only one other person there. Was that you?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Atlantic Avenue?
Jake: No, but that would've been a cool coincidence.

Jake: Tell me where he is. I'm gonna count to three. There will not be a four.