Jake: A grown adult with a man cave. This is so embarrassing. Oh, my God, he has root beer on tap. [breathes shakily]

Sergeant Jeffords: So what are we gonna do?
Jake: I have a plan. We can prove that O'Sullivan changed the CompStat numbers if we find this.
Rosa: What is that, a bed?
Charles: No, that's a cheese grater.
Jake: It's his computer. Obviously, I should have had Terry do the drawings.

Charles: He claims you messed with the numbers? That son of a bitch.
Amy: I would never fabricate numbers. I love numbers.
Jake: Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.

Captain Holt: What? This isn't correct. Somebody changed these since last night.
Jake: Wait. I bet O'Sullivan hacked into the system. Do you know what this means?
Captain Holt: They're trying to kill...
Jake: Jake and Holt...
Captain Holt: Police reform.
Jake: Have a final case. Yep. Mm-hmm. Two equally important sets of stakes.

Captain Holt: We can't tell her. Things aren't settled. The brass is having a closed-door meeting today about our reform proposal, but apparently, the union is gonna claim that we fudged our numbers.
Jake: That's crazy. Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers. Sometimes I think she loves them more than me. Stupid numbers, think they're so great. I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.

Captain Holt: Anyway, I already have a cool final case that I'm working on: the police reform proposal that Santiago and I have been toiling over for these past six months.
Jake: Oh, my God, I didn't even think about Amy. She's gonna be devastated.
Captain Holt: Which is why I made sure she wasn't here when I told you. I need Santiago laser-focused on this proposal. We can tell her after we turn the report in. Hopefully, you can keep the news to yourselves for now.
Jake: Sir, she's my wife. I can't lie to her.
Sergeant Jeffords: What about that time you spent $1,000 on a Patrick Ewing Top shot?
Jake: That wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her. But she's gonna be happy about it, because that Top Shot is currently worth... Oh, no. I will keep your secret for $992.
Captain Holt: Deal.
Jake: Great, let's lie to my wife.

Charles: Jake, you will ask the first question. Begin!
Jake: What is my middle name?
Doug Judy: You tell people it's Zack, but it's really Jeffrey.
Jake: No, it's Zack, like Zack Morris.
Charles: Point for Doug.

Doug Judy: They're moving me to South Woods prison tomorrow.
Jake: Tomorrow?
Doug Judy: I know. But you know what really bums me out? I had no warning. I only wish that I had known it was gonna happen so I could've had one last moment of joy before I get taken to jail. But alas...'tis not to be.
Jake: Wait a minute. What if it...'tis to be? What if I drive you to prison? We could have one more adventure!
Doug Judy: Honestly, Jake, I don't see how it's possible to have fun on a trip to prison.
Jake: Yeah, it sucks, but I dunno, maybe for just a few hours, you could focus on the journey and not the destination.
Doug Judy: "Focus on the journey, not the destination." I like that; did you steal it from a car commercial?
Jake: No. It was an Instagram ad for a travel bidet.
Jake: Look, I know it's not perfect, but if you say yes, I promise I will plan some sexy-ass surprises.
Doug Judy: How sexy we talking?
Jake: How sexy you got?

Doug Judy: I'm feeling this print.
Jake: I thought you might. We got tigers and toucans.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucs!
Jake: Ooh. And now, for the pièce de résistance.
Doug Judy: [nasal laugh] Oh, ho, ho, ho! Little French. I like where this is going.
Jake: And voilà.
Doug Judy: "PB" and "&J."
Jake: Pontiac Bandit and Jake. Go together like peanut butter and jelly.
Doug Judy: It's never coming off. Except for in a couple hours when I have to check into prison for five years.
Jake: Buh-bup-bup... journey, not the destination.
Doug Judy: It's never coming off.
Jake: That's the spirit. Let's ride.

Doug Judy: Mind if I DJ?
Jake: I was counting on it. Bust out those banging bar mitzvah beats, bruv.
Doug Judy: Let's see what you got. Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift.
Jake: Pfft, I'm over her. I barely even memorized all the lyrics to "Folklore."
Doug Judy: What's SAS 30?
Jake: I'm glad you asked, mon frère. That track is sexy-ass surprise number three. [Doug Judy laughs excitedly] Okay, so I know this audio engineer who's friends with a guy who's roommates with a guy who gets lunch for a guy who's friends with a guy who knows Drake. And he laid down a beat for us to write a song to!
Doug Judy: Drake laid down a beat for us?
Jake: What? No, no. The friend did. The Drake thing was just to establish his credentials.
Doug Judy: And it worked. That dude's, like, six spots removed from Drake. He's the real deal.

Jake: Okay, it's time for sexy-ass surprise number four. Let me ask you this. If you could eat any meal on Earth, what would it be?
Doug Judy: Cheeseburger cracker flavor Combos, Philly cheesesteaks from Pat's, Popeye's biscuits, McDonald's fries, Wendy's nuggets, Sonic tots, fountain Coke, and of course, my mama's sweet potato pie.
Jake: Oh, wow. That's actually a very tall order, which I completely filled.
Doug Judy: What? You smorgasborded it?
Jake: I smorgasborded it!
Doug Judy: [laughs] You know what this calls for?
Jake: What's that?
Doug Judy: Foot slap!
Both: Ooh!

Jake: What is my least favorite word?
Doug Judy: Buttress.
Jake: It just makes me picture a mattress with a butt.

Captain Holt: Attention, everyone, a bomb was just found on a bus in Downtown Brooklyn.
Jake: Oh, my God, a bomb on a bus. It's a Speed? I get to work a Speed?
Captain Holt: That sentence is nonsensical. One can work with speed, but one certainly cannot work a speed.
Jake: Speed is a movie. I won't let you ruin this!

Jake: I don't understand. I thought you went straight.
Doug Judy: I did. I got a job. I have a wife. But the other day, I was driving to the new mega Target in South Orange, New Jersey because they have 50% off whole-home mesh wireless systems.
Jake: With a rebate?
Doug Judy: No. Discount taken at register.
Jake: Oh, you gotta hit that.

Jake: What is my favorite Knicks memory?
Doug Judy: When they fired Phil Jackson.
Jake: Mm. Yeah, that was a good day.