Doug Judy: They're moving me to South Woods prison tomorrow.
Jake: Tomorrow?
Doug Judy: I know. But you know what really bums me out? I had no warning. I only wish that I had known it was gonna happen so I could've had one last moment of joy before I get taken to jail. But alas...'tis not to be.
Jake: Wait a minute. What if it...'tis to be? What if I drive you to prison? We could have one more adventure!
Doug Judy: Honestly, Jake, I don't see how it's possible to have fun on a trip to prison.
Jake: Yeah, it sucks, but I dunno, maybe for just a few hours, you could focus on the journey and not the destination.
Doug Judy: "Focus on the journey, not the destination." I like that; did you steal it from a car commercial?
Jake: No. It was an Instagram ad for a travel bidet.
Jake: Look, I know it's not perfect, but if you say yes, I promise I will plan some sexy-ass surprises.
Doug Judy: How sexy we talking?
Jake: How sexy you got?

Doug Judy: I'm feeling this print.
Jake: I thought you might. We got tigers and toucans.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucs!
Jake: Ooh. And now, for the pièce de résistance.
Doug Judy: [nasal laugh] Oh, ho, ho, ho! Little French. I like where this is going.
Jake: And voilà.
Doug Judy: "PB" and "&J."
Jake: Pontiac Bandit and Jake. Go together like peanut butter and jelly.
Doug Judy: It's never coming off. Except for in a couple hours when I have to check into prison for five years.
Jake: Buh-bup-bup... journey, not the destination.
Doug Judy: It's never coming off.
Jake: That's the spirit. Let's ride.

Doug Judy: Mind if I DJ?
Jake: I was counting on it. Bust out those banging bar mitzvah beats, bruv.
Doug Judy: Let's see what you got. Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift.
Jake: Pfft, I'm over her. I barely even memorized all the lyrics to "Folklore."
Doug Judy: What's SAS 30?
Jake: I'm glad you asked, mon frère. That track is sexy-ass surprise number three. [Doug Judy laughs excitedly] Okay, so I know this audio engineer who's friends with a guy who's roommates with a guy who gets lunch for a guy who's friends with a guy who knows Drake. And he laid down a beat for us to write a song to!
Doug Judy: Drake laid down a beat for us?
Jake: What? No, no. The friend did. The Drake thing was just to establish his credentials.
Doug Judy: And it worked. That dude's, like, six spots removed from Drake. He's the real deal.

Jake: Okay, it's time for sexy-ass surprise number four. Let me ask you this. If you could eat any meal on Earth, what would it be?
Doug Judy: Cheeseburger cracker flavor Combos, Philly cheesesteaks from Pat's, Popeye's biscuits, McDonald's fries, Wendy's nuggets, Sonic tots, fountain Coke, and of course, my mama's sweet potato pie.
Jake: Oh, wow. That's actually a very tall order, which I completely filled.
Doug Judy: What? You smorgasborded it?
Jake: I smorgasborded it!
Doug Judy: [laughs] You know what this calls for?
Jake: What's that?
Doug Judy: Foot slap!
Both: Ooh!

Charles: Jake, you will ask the first question. Begin!
Jake: What is my middle name?
Doug Judy: You tell people it's Zack, but it's really Jeffrey.
Jake: No, it's Zack, like Zack Morris.
Charles: Point for Doug.

Jake: What is my favorite Knicks memory?
Doug Judy: When they fired Phil Jackson.
Jake: Mm. Yeah, that was a good day.

Jake: What is my least favorite word?
Doug Judy: Buttress.
Jake: It just makes me picture a mattress with a butt.

Captain Holt: Attention, everyone, a bomb was just found on a bus in Downtown Brooklyn.
Jake: Oh, my God, a bomb on a bus. It's a Speed? I get to work a Speed?
Captain Holt: That sentence is nonsensical. One can work with speed, but one certainly cannot work a speed.
Jake: Speed is a movie. I won't let you ruin this!

Jake: Everyone, there's something you need to see in the barn. The game... is afoot.
[later:]
Jake: Pappy Boyle was 93. Who would've suspected that his death stemmed from anything other than the cruel embrace of Father Time? To suggest as much might get someone labeled a crackpot, a kook, someone that's "bored with their suspension." Can you cut the Harriet The Spy windup? It stinks in here.
Jake: What you're smelling, Terry, is duplicity and deceit.
Sam Boyle: I think it's actually Pappy's organs.
Jake: Sam, you're kind of messing with my flow right now. Point is, I was examining the body, and I found something. Classic ulceration and desquamation of the mouth. Telltale signs of poisoning. [gasps] In other words... [Southern accent] What we have ourselves here is a good ol' fashioned murder... [all crying] Of a man who you all loved dearly. I shouldn't have done the Knives Out accent.

Jake: There you are. I found proof that this was a setup. Look, the victim lied about his address. Zip!
Captain Holt: What's that?
Jake: That's the sound of your bridle unzipping. Unbridled support from earlier?
Captain Holt: You don't know what a bridle is, do you?
Jake: I do not. We're getting sidetracked.

Jake: Well, you have every right to be. I know I messed up. I just never imagined myself as someone who would make a mistake like that, and then I just made it worse, you know?
Frank O'Sullivan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Learning a lesson? You don't have any lessons to learn. You didn't do anything wrong.
Captain Holt: What do you want, O'Sullivan?
Frank O'Sullivan: This is Mel Jenkins... City attorney in charge of payoffs and bribes.
Mel Jenkins: Uh, not my title. I handle tort claims.
Frank O'Sullivan: Whatever. Mel and I just had ourselves a little chat over morning drinks.
Jake: More drinks?
Frank O'Sullivan: Relax, it was just a couple of breakfast beers. So the department is going to settle without mitting any wrongdoing, and because the facts of the case will remain unresolved, there will be no suspension for Marzipan or Peralta.
Captain Holt: How's that possible? Peralta arrested and harassed an innocent man.
Frank O'Sullivan: Come on, now, these are cops. They got to make split-second decisions in life-or-death situations, and they can't be expected to get that 100% correct every single time.
Captain Holt: This was not a life-or-death situation.
Frank O'Sullivan: Sure, but next time it might be. And how can this one be expected to do his job when he knows that any teeny-tiny lapse in judgment could end with you branding him a dirty cop and ruining his life?

Jake: Wait. What if I admit I made an error and apologize?
Frank O'Sullivan: He is speaking hypothetically. You'll notice he never used the S word and he never used the M word.
Jake: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.
Frank O'Sullivan: Holy [bleep]! Let the record show that he didn't say anything specific.
Jake: I arrested a man without a sufficient probable cause in a case I was removed from.
Frank O'Sullivan: He has no idea what he's talking about.
Jake: I then followed my victim to his home...
Frank O'Sullivan: Now's a good time for us to leave.
Jake: In an act that could only be seen as police intimidation.
Frank O'Sullivan: La, la, la, la, la, la.
Jake: I take full responsibility for my mistake, and I'm willing to say as much in a court of law.
Frank O'Sullivan: La, la, la, la, la, la.
Jake: And what's more, I'm very, very sorry!
Mel Jenkins: Yeah, he has to be suspended. I'm sorry.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah, don't you start.

Jake: Well, I, for one, am pumped to be going.
Sergeant Jeffords: To a funeral?
Jake: I'm so bored, Terry. I've been suspended for days. Mac gets dropped off at day care, and I just sit at home playing "Animal Crossing." But no one will buy my bugs or fossils. I'm desperate for some normal human interaction.
Charles: Coffin delivery!
Jake: Okay, fine. It doesn't have to be normal or human. Any interaction will work.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry. I was following Lyndon and I crawled into that thing.
Charles: That thing has a name. It's Muffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, thanks to Muffin, we lost Lyndon.
Jake: Yes. [over walkie-talkie] But also thanks to Muffin, I just solved the case of who killed Pappy Boyle. [radio feedback]
Sergeant Jeffords: We're right here.
Jake: Yeah. I didn't think it would feed back.

Charles: I'm not gonna be able to do this, and I'm gonna be even more humiliated.
Jake: Just try. I believe in you. [to Sgt. Jeffords] So did you loosen it?
Sergeant Jeffords: I tried, but it's slippery, and that thing is sealed on tight. I couldn't budge it.
Jake: Oh, no. Uh, hey, Charles. Remember when I said that I believed in you?
Charles: Yes. It's the entire reason I'm doing this.
Jake: Oh. Godspeed.