Jake: Wow, I don't know how to deal with all these emotions, Terry. No one I've been close with has ever died before. No tragic accidents to friends. All my grandparents are alive.
Sergeant Jeffords: How did you deal when Hodor died?
Jake: Not well, Terry. Why would you bring that up?

Trudy Judy: Would you want to sing a song for us?
Jake: What a nice thought, but you know what, I don't have anything prepared.
Trudy Judy: Okay, well, if you don't want to sing, you could just tell us the inspiring story of how Doug saved you from being a mulch-butt ho.
[later:]
Jake: I would like to sing a song in honor of my dear friend Doug Judy.

Jake: Doug Judy.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Doug Judy: Hey, Jake. Man, that song was moving AF. We got to lay that down. [singing] Doug Judy, he's smushing on the beach-
Jake: Don't try and duet with me, you bastard. You tricked me. Now give me a hug. I'm so happy you're alive. I'll never forgive you. You're my best friend. Whoo, I just went through a lot of emotions real fast, but I think I'm back to normal now.

Sergeant Jeffords: You look like Milli Vanilli.
Jake: Ooh! I call Vanilli.
Doug Judy: Ah, I want to be Nilli, but you got it.
Jake: He's the best one.
Doug Judy: You know it's true.

Jake: Sarge, come on. He has an alibi. Let's just team up and try and catch the copycat. A thousand push-ups. It's something Rosa and I used to say. It just means trust me. If Judy's a criminal, I'll do a thousand push-ups, and since you're so confident, if you're wrong, you can do 'em.
Sergeant Jeffords: And a thousand push-ups? That's a lot to you?
Jake: You go to hell, Terry.

Doug Judy: You believe me, right, Jake?
Jake: I mean, the fact pattern's not great, but Trudy did seem very nice when I met her.
Doug Judy: You trying to get your freak on with my sister?
Jake: What? No.
Doug Judy: I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Jake: I am not looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Doug Judy: Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty.
Jake: She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
Sergeant Jeffords: And you're married.
Jake: Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

Doug Judy: Man, I am gutted. This is awful. Is this how you feel every time I trick you?
Jake: Pretty much. Yeah, it always hurts.
Doug Judy: Wow, I'm sorry, man. It must be really hard to hang out with me.
Jake: Well, it's a tough relationship, but it's exciting.

Jake: Well, let's get into this murder. I'm hoping it's a dope one. Mamma Mia.
That's a bloody pizza pie. [Rosa groans] No, it's okay. I can say that. I'm half Italian.
Rosa: That's not the problem I had with it.

Franco McCoy: Just do me a favor. Don't turn into a star humper around me or my squad, because they make TV shows about us sometimes.
Jake: What? They make shows about us all the time.
Franco McCoy: Name one.
Jake: "Law and Order".
Franco McCoy: Never heard of it.
Jake: "NYPD Blue".
Franco McCoy: Nope.
Jake: "Miami Vice".
Franco McCoy: Nah.
Jake: "Hill Street Blues".
Franco McCoy: Pass.
Jake: "The Wire".
Franco McCoy: Sounds dumb.
Jake: "Rizzoli & Isles".
Franco McCoy: Okay. That's a good one.

Rosa: Hey, Jake. You know what it's time for?
Jake: I sure do.
Both: Jake and Rosa's first impressions.
Rosa: Cast-off pattern on the far wall suggests upward knife slices. Jake?
Jake: Wounds on the vic's back means he didn't see the killer coming. Rosa?
Rosa: Laptop, wallet, keys all in plain sight. No sign of forced entry. Doesn't connote a robbery. Jake?
Jake: But it does connote that our killer was waiting for Adams in the apartment. Did I just use the word "connote" correctly?
Rosa: You did.
Jake: Great. Will you text that to Amy? I don't want to say what using good vocabulary gets me.
Rosa: Okay.
Jake: Sexual intercourse.
Rosa: Gross.
Jake: What? We're adults.

Rosa: Did you really just promise a victim's family member we would solve a crime?
Jake: Oh, come on. I was just consoling her.
Rosa: No. It was a full-on promise, and it wasn't just her.
[cut to Jake on the phone:]
Jake: Yes, Betty. I promise I will find your friend's son's killer. Yes, you can put your husband on. I'll promise him too. Okay, well, what's his number at work, then? Do you have a pen?

Rosa: Dude, you never make a promise, because if we don't solve this, you've given her false hope, and that is way worse.
Jake: Normally, I would totally agree with you, but we're going to solve this case. We have so much evidence. We hit triple digies!

Jake: My goodness. Did Mother Gothel finally let you out of the tower to see the lanterns that fly for your birthday?
Rosa: What?
Jake: It was a "Tangled" burn. Charles and I watched it for bros night.

Jake: I can taste the smell. Ugh. You shouldn't be able to taste smells.

Franco McCoy: I have no matches of anything on any criminal databases whatsoever.
Rosa: Still feeling good about your promise, Jake?
Jake: Still feeling good about that haircut, Cousin It?