Franco McCoy: Peralta. Diaz. Special delivery. Delivery guy.
Jake: Wow, Franco, you're really getting lazy.
Franco McCoy: You're lazy.
Jake: Even lazier.

Jake: All right, look, Captain. Rosa and I are gonna solve this case. The answer is in this room. We just have to focus and let the room speak to us, isn't that right, room?
Captain Holt: When you talk to the room, I lose even more confidence in you.
Jake: Why? Oh, wait, I see it.

Jake: Okay. Let's look at the scene like we're seeing it for the first time with fresh eyes. Vic was face down.
Rosa: Cast-off splatter suggests upward knife slices.
Jake: No signs of forced entry.
Rosa: Laptop, wallet, keys were all there.
Both: Doesn't connote a robbery.
Jake: Wait a minute. Have we said this already? Are we just having the exact same conversation?
Rosa: Yep.
Jake: Cool. Moving on.

Jake: Okay, so, no one went in, no one came out. The lab confirmed that the surveillance footage wasn't tampered with. So what happened in there, Olive Rosa?
Rosa: I don't know.
Jake: Ah! You can talk. Oh. Rosa. [laughs] It's just you. I thought I was really going crazy for a second there. [to the olive] It was just person Rosa.

Rosa: That's weird. The police tape's already gone.
Jake: Oh, yeah, Major Crimes released the scene yesterday. But I'm sure they haven't had time to clean up the evidence-
Rosa: Oh, man, they emptied the place out. Nothing left in here. I can't believe this is how it ends.
Jake: Yeah. Is it weird that I miss the smell?

Rosa: The CSI guys! Franco said he had 14 techs, but didn't you count 15?
Jake: I did count 15! My math was right! Suck it, Mrs. Skanga! She was my Algebra II teacher. She threw a protractor at my head.
Rosa: She sucks.
Jake: She sucked! Actually, she was very sweet. She believed in me.

Franco McCoy: That man's not CSI.
Jake: No, Franco. But he is about to say CS-Bye. Yeah-ow!
Franco McCoy: Respect, Jake. Respect.

Rosa: It's my mom. I waited too long for her to come around and call me, so I called her.
Jake: That is so great. Oh, no. Is she meeting you here? Am I about to get caught in the middle of all your weird awkwardness again?
Julia Diaz: Hello, Jake.
Jake: Ah! Hello, Mrs. Diaz! America's favorite mother! [clears throat]
Julia Diaz: So?
Rosa: So.
Jake: So... Rosa's bi.
Julia Diaz: Yes, Jake, I remember.
Jake: Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool-
Rosa: You don't have to stay, man.
Jake: Great. Thanks.

Rosa: This is my third.
Charles: [slow-motion] Stop! You're drinking too much!
Jake: Whoa, what's going on, Charles? Why are you talking so slow?
Charles: [slow-motion] I'm not. I'm normal. We're all normal.
Jake: Oh, my God. If you're not going slow, that means we're going fast. Are we going fast? Can anyone tell if we're going fast?
Rosa: I don't think we're going fast at all in any way whatsoever. I feel like we're going slow in every way whatsoever. Captain, how do you feel?
Captain Holt: Great. Excellent. Amazing. I feel better than I've ever felt at any moment in my entire life.
Jake: So we're all fine?
Captain Holt: Yep.
Rosa: Yep.
Jake: Yep.
All: [rapidly repeating "Yep"]

Jake: Yeah, well, I didn't fire him because I thought you were being crazy and I wanted to change your mind, so I called all the places he used to work.
Captain Holt: You didn't do that before you brought him in?
Jake: What? No, you check references after there's a problem. That's hiring 101.

Jake: Anyways, it turns out he never worked at the Philadelphia PD.
Captain Holt: So he's a liar and a hussy? Why is he still here?
Jake: Because I started thinking, why would he lie? And the answer is: because he's a spy, planted here by Commissioner Kelly. Think about it. You've been rounding up all the captains who oppose him. Kelly wants those names. Gordon was sent here to seduce you. He's a red sparrow.
Captain Holt: You mean a honeypot.
Jake: Potato, tomato, but yes. He is the world's most boring sex spy, and he's here to infiltrate the Nine-Nine.

Captain Holt: No, this is just you still trying to make everything into a movie. This is the real world, Peralta. There are no spies in our midst. I'm sure Gordon just lied on his resume to get a job.
Jake: Oh, really? Then how come he's in this old staff photo from the Three-Six?
Captain Holt: Kelly's old precinct? You're right. Gordon's a honeypot.
Jake: Or a red sparrow.
Captain Holt: Buzz, buzz, little bee.
Jake: Fly, bird, fly.
Captain Holt: Buzz.
Jake: Fly.
Captain Holt: Buzz.
Jake: Fly.
Captain Holt: Buzz.
Jake: Fly.
Jake: The point is, we're on the same page. He's a spy.

Jake: Or we can launch a counter-spying mission.
Captain Holt: I just want him out of the Nine-Nine.
Jake: If we can prove that Kelly sent a spy into one of his own precincts to seduce a captain, it's gonna look really bad for him.
Captain Holt: And how will we prove that?
Jake: With Operation: Dragon. Don't Reveal Anything, Gordon's Our Nemesis.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: I worked so hard on that acronym. You're not even going to acknowledge it?

Captain Holt: Have you reviewed the contents of Gordon's computer? Did you find anything?
Jake: Uh, well, hem, haw-
Captain Holt: Are you literally saying "hem" and "haw"?

John Kelly: Oh, hi, Raymond. Good to see you. Pull up a chair.
Captain Holt: Cut the crap. Stop masking your evil with a candy cane smile.
John Kelly: Ooh, I love candy canes.
Jake: Everyone loves candy canes, John Kelly. Now admit you sent in this boring bastard to honeypot Holt.