Captain Holt: I brought you your box of DVDs.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
Kevin: What the hell did you just say?
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: Say that to my face.
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?
Jake: Well I didn't think it was any good. It's just some period piece.
Kevin: What?
Jake: Set in Greece.
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Jake: Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake's hands* Aah!
Kevin: Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

Jake: But going out into public is a huge risk, so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques. *Kevin punches Jake in the throat* [gasps] [chokes] Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.
Kevin: Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial.
Jake: Cool. [coughs] So he's a great teacher. But I will say this. If you're going to do a throat punch, it is key that you say something cool afterwards like, "choke on that".
Kevin: Right, but they're not choking. They're experiencing airway trauma. Ooh, how about, "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Jake: Okay, yeah, that's very informative and quite polite. [ahem] But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?
Kevin: But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum. I don't see how it's an insult.
Jake: All right, you know, puncher's choice.

Jake: But sir, the stench. It needs some way to escape.
Kevin: I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of - What are those things you're always eating?
Jake: Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza pockets?
Kevin: That's it. How much longer will I be forced to live inside this pizza pocket?

Captain Holt: You've been needling poor Peralta so much, you've practically made him a new suit.
Kevin: "Needled him a new suit." Even when we're fighting, you're hilarious. Stop it. Stop it.

Jake: The point is, Captain Holt solved the case when no one else could.
Captain Holt: He's actually been stealing from these archives for years. You've been asleep at the wheel, Allister. You're an embarrassment.
Dean Wesley Allister: Really? Well, at least I've never confused St. Augustine with Boethius.
Kevin: Oh, who gives a rat's ass about Boethius, Wesley?
Captain Holt: What are you doing, Kevin?
Kevin: I am creating a kerfuffle.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, but he is so much more than just that. Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department, but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. You make me want to have a wetter brain.
Captain Holt: Oh, Kevin.
Jake: Y'all are hella specific.

Jake: Terry, what you did today was awesome and I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I took things too far.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you kidding me? I was just guilting you as a tactic. I love how crazy the heist gets.
Jake: Okay, good, 'cause what I really wanted to say is next heist I'm gonna drown you in your own blood.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah? Well, then I'm gonna rip your arms off and beat you to death with 'em.
Jake: Oh.
Kevin: I'm going to slice your Achilles' tendons, peel off your fingernails, and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
Both: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Raymond, you were right. These heists are fun.

Jake: Okay, sir, the kidnapper should be calling with his demands any minute. If we trace his location, we can find your fuzzy boy.
Captain Holt: Not fuzzy. He's fluffy.
Kevin: We don't know what he is anymore. He could be fuzzy, he could be anything. Raymond, he could be scruffy.
Captain Holt: Now you've upset Kevin. I hope you're happy.
Jake: Why would I be happy? I clearly just mixed up fuzzy and fluffy.
Captain Holt: "Just?" You're fired. I want your shield and your piece.
Jake: That seems a little extreme.
Kevin: Jake is right.
Jake: Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin: Just suspend him without pay.

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Kevin: Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture. Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to call him a dirtbag.
Captain Holt: And why would you? A dirtbag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner. Clearly, it's a compliment.
Jake: Wow, you guys are so perfect for each other.

Jake: It's perfect. Thanks for inviting us in.
Kevin: I invited Gina in. You were with her.

Kevin: Raymond, Cheddar is fine. He's coming back to us, and that is why I bought a new GPS tag to put on his collar.
Jake: Thank you, Kevin. At least some of us are thinking clearly.
Kevin: Yes, crystal clear. In fact I bought 5 GPS tags. One for his collar and one for each arm and leg. I'm going to make bracelets to put them on, and I'll never lose my Cheddar again.
Jake: Okay, a little unsettling, but I like your positivity.

Captain Holt: You put my husband at risk, and for what? Because you felt a little cooped up?
Jake: That's not it.
Captain Holt: You could have cost him his life.
Kevin: What life, Raymond? I spend every day lying on the floor of that house talking with Jake about popular culture. Do you know what it means to "clap back", Raymond? Be-cause-I-do.

Captain Holt: So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well. [Holt and Kevin shake hands] PDA in the office? My, my.
Captain Holt: Couldn't help myself.
Kevin: Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?
Captain Holt: Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.
Kevin: Thank you for granting it.

Kevin: Hmm, yes. I dread those enunciated denunciations.

Kevin: Marcus, you can help with the boeuf bourguignon. I subbed shallots for onions in the mirepoix.
Marcus: (high-pitched excitement) No. Are you kidding?
(Whispering) I have no idea what he's talking about.