Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. What about you, Scully?
Scully: Well, I went to the Knicks game with a buddy.
Gina: Was this "buddy" named Hitchcock?
Scully: Yes, and we weren't at the game. We were at the dog track.

Hitchcock: All right, listen up, buddy. You're gonna tell us where it is.
Scully: And also what it is. We're a little unclear what we're after.

Rosa: Who has the gems? What's going on?
Scully: And explain it quickly. I have to pee again.

Captain Holt: No, Rosa took the gems. I saw you brush up against one of the flower delivery men who handed you the gems, which you gave to Scully, who placed them in his mouth.
Rosa: That's absurd.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah, that's absurd.
Rosa: Okay, fine, but no one is getting those gems.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah.
Rosa: None of you would dare to put your bare hands inside of Scully's mouth.
Scully: [muffled] Yeah.
Rosa: Who knows what kind of diseases he's got.
Scully: [clearly] My doctors sure don't.
Rosa: Scully, why wasn't that garbled?

Sergeant Jeffords: Reminder. Tomorrow, we are hosting a field trip for the Brooklyn Park Magnet school.
Scully: Sorry, Sarge. I can't be around magnets; pacemaker.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm actually not going to correct you on that.

Jake: I say Terry and I go in through the roof and do some recon. Scully, you stay here and call for backup in case we need it.
Scully: Oh, no way. That's my partner in there. I'm going in. Also, I can't call for help. I don't have any quarters.
Jake: Hard to argue with that logic.

Jake: Holt will be playing with Norm Scully.
Rosa: His name is Norm?
Scully: My name is Norm?
Captain Holt: We don't have to break into teams this year.
Scully: You're lucky. Hitchcock's with me, so you're actually getting two partners.
Hitchcock: [on video call] Three if you include my donkey friend. Say hello to the team, Donkey Scully.
Scully: He named him after me!

Amy: Well, that doesn't sound better than crepes.
Scully: It is. Terry wins. We know. We were at both lunches.
Rosa: How? They were simultaneous and two miles apart.
Scully: It was free food. Life finds a way.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, lunchtime starts in ten minutes. Whichever team wins gets recorded on the Whiteboard of Victory.
Amy: The winner will be decided by our judges, Hitchcock and Scully.
Scully: Oh, my God, are we high status, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: I think so.
Scully: What a world.

Hitchcock: Uh-oh. Guys! We have a major problem here. No garlic bread.
Scully: Okay, we need to stay calm. Let's think. The garlic bread needs to go in the toaster oven with eight minutes left on the lasagna. Maybe we could run down to the corner store and make it in time.
Hitchcock: That just gives us 12 minutes to go to a place and come back.
Scully: Mama Magglione.

Scully: What the heck? This isn't my order.
Sergeant Jeffords: What, did they give you sour straws instead of sour ropes? I specifically said...
Scully: No, it's just apples! Terry, you sick son of a bitch.

Scully: Thanks for taking us to lunch, Jake.
Jake: Of course. Get whatever you want.
Scully: Oh, man, I already ate. I guess I'll just have a cheeseburger deluxe, couple slices of pie, maybe an egg cream.
Jake: Okay.
Scully: And a waffle.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, it's our favorite time of year. Cagney and Lacey's annual school candy drive! I took the liberty of duplicating your order from last year. Simply sign at the X, and I'll get it placed for you.
Scully: Oh, about that, I don't know if I'm gonna buy anything from you this year.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? But we've been in business together since pre-K.
Charles: I know, but there's someone else.
Sergeant Jeffords: Someone else?
Scully: It's not you. It's me. My taste in candy changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, everyone goes through rough patches, but we can't give up. You owe it to Cagney and Lacey.
Scully: Please don't bring the kids into this.
Sergeant Jeffords: The kids are a part of it whether you like it or not. Who are you buying from? Tell me, now!
Charles: The other man is me. Nikolaj is selling candy this year, too.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're cheating on me with Boyle?

Scully: Earl? Earl!
Earl: Norm? Norm?
Amy: What the-
Earl: I'm so happy your friend invited me to-
Scully: I told you what would happen if I ever saw you again, Earl.
Captain Holt: What is going on? What am I looking at?
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully has a twin brother named Earl. Jake brought him here to trick you.
Jake: Thank you for the ride, Terrence. Apparently they don't get along very well.
Scully: We did get along. We were inseparable, until Earl slept with my wife.
Earl: It's not my fault she wanted to have sex with a stud instead of a dud.
Scully: Stud? Your face looks it's been kicked in by a horse.
Earl: Well, your mouth looks like a butthole.
Scully: Your whole body looks like a butthole.
Jake: And you look identical.

Jake: Look, you're Hitchcock and Scully. You guys are legends. You single-handedly caught the Prospect Park Flasher.
Scully: Well, he was being chased by other cops, but he did slip on my spilled chili.
Hitchcock: And who bumped into Scully, causing the spill? Me.
Jake: Damn right, and who fell asleep under their desks and caught the janitor stealing evidence?
Hitchcock: We did.
Jake: And who sued the department and got triple-ply toilet paper in every precinct?
Scully: We did.