Scully: Yeah, Sarge. If Jake wants to pay for us to have a fun night out, let's not stop him.
Jake: I'm not paying for it. We're splitting it.
Scully: Well, then, I'm with Terry. This wedding's a sham.

Scully: Hey, Boyle. I smell burning. Is Hitchcock roasting corn on the radiator again?
Charles: No. What you smell is the burning wreckage of my relationship with Holt.
Scully: So there's no corn on the cob?

Adrian Pimento: Hitchcock and Scully. Ha. You guys still work here?
Hitchcock: The only way they're getting rid of us is in a body bag.
Scully: It actually happened once, but it was a false alarm.

Jake: Scully! Grab his gun.
Scully: (breaks free from being tied up in a chair) It's not sticky because I'm so juicy!

Scully: Oh no, he's not gonna last. Oh, Jake, you got to do something. I don't want to marry Hitchcock's wife.

Captain Holt: Where should we begin? Do you have any experience with puzzles?
Scully: Yes. I've never solved one.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, where are you on digitizing the old case files?
Scully: As of yesterday, I am officially 1% done.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you smiling? That's nothing.
Scully: Well, there's thousands of cases and for each one I have to fill out 200 little box thingies on 50 different screens.
Rosa: At least you get to sit on your butt all day.
Scully: That's actually the worst part. My doctor says I have an anal canyon.

Hitchcock: Holt's the big fish we've been waiting for. We have an exciting investment opportunity to pitch him.
Jake: What?
Scully: It's an off-shore casino that's currently sunk off the coast of Delaware.

Scully: Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

Charles: Yeah, now, this Turkmenistani dish is traditionally made from an animal that's been so overfed it can no longer stand.
Scully: Whoo. That's the dream.

Scully: Wait, I have a theory. I think limousine and magazine come from the same word.

Amy: As I was saying, it's time for round four of the Halloween Heist-
*Jake runs in with air horns blaring*
Scully: If I don't make it, tell Gina I love her.

Scully: He probably sat on it.
Hitchcock: So it got under his butt.
Scully: Happens all the time.
Hitchcock: Sure do.
Jake: Ugh, you guys are horrible.

Rosa: Who has the gems? What's going on?
Scully: And explain it quickly. I have to pee again.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. What about you, Scully?
Scully: Well, I went to the Knicks game with a buddy.
Gina: Was this "buddy" named Hitchcock?
Scully: Yes, and we weren't at the game. We were at the dog track.