Sergeant Jeffords: And listen to the inscription he wrote. "Terry, you do have friends."
Jake: Oh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: "You have me. Never forget that in this life, we write our own stories. Parlov." And that's what happened. Little Terry wrote his own story.
Jake: Yeah, Little Terry got buff-a!
Sergeant Jeffords: Little Terry got emotionally healthy.
Jake: Yeah, and ja-a-acked.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know what? He did get jacked. Way to go, Little Terry. Big pecs coming through!

Jake: Parlov is in town for a reading of his new book, "The Skyfire Cycle: A Bridge to Jarcata.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ah, ah. It's actually pronounced "Jarca-a." All the Ts in "Skyfire" are silent.
Jake: This book sounds impossible to read.
Sergeant Jeffords: [laughs] I know, right?

Sergeant Jeffords: There is no way Parlov sent himself that death threat. Look, we are gonna go to his hotel, we're gonna talk to him, and he'll have an explanation.
Jake: Whatever you need.
Sergeant Jeffords: Screw you, Peralta! I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna disagree. Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me.

Jake: Hey, good news. I found the address of Parlov's old assistant. I'm gonna go over there and question him. You want to come? Maybe he won't open the door and you'll have to kick it down. That always cheers you up.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't feel like kicking down doors.
Jake: What about running really fast through a wall, leaving a perfect outline of your body?
Sergeant Jeffords: Like a cartoon?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. I'm just gonna sit here and think about how the words I lived by my entire life are a big fat lie.

Amy: Sorry, look, don't give up on the green initiative. You're a great sergeant. You'll get everyone on board.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not Gina.
Amy: Yes, Gina. You can handle her. You can do this. Sarge, it's test time.
Sergeant Jeffords: Diaper up.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, I won!
Amy: You did it, Sarge. You're gonna get our power usage down.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't care about that crap. I took down Gina Linetti. I did the impossible. Terry is back on top. Diaper up!

Sergeant Jeffords: Are you serious, Santiago? That is ethically questionable.
[phone chimes] Ugh. It's a bus pooping on a police car. Let's beat those bastards.

Sergeant Jeffords: I get that the streets are empty, but slow down, man. Terry forgot his Dramamine.

Jake: Stakes are high, Sarge. I know it doesn't matter to you, but I really want to beat Amy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Doesn't matter? Look, I am completely on board. You need your own space. I had a painting studio in my apartment.
Jake: Was this in the '90s? Did you wear overalls and no shirt?
Sergeant Jeffords: Every chance I got.
Jake: (GASPS)
Sergeant Jeffords: But then I moved in with Sharon. And then the kids came along. You know where I have to paint now?
[cut to Sergeant Jeffords painting in a small closet]
Sergeant Jeffords: (CLATTERING) My acrylics!
[back:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I am not gonna let you lose this bet. The march toward the closet starts with a single step.
Jake: Cool. So, basically just telling me not to get married and have kids.

Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do anything! I respect women. I'm a feminist. I believe women should be on all the money. I wanna pay for a sandwich with a $10 Ellen DeGeneres.

Captain Holt: Okay, now what we need to do is fix that infernal copier. Jeffords, you did a year abroad in Tokyo. Maybe you can figure out the manual. It's in Japanese.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can try, but the only thing I really remember how to say is, "Do you have a bigger door I can enter through?"
Captain Holt: Bring me solutions, not problems.

Veronica Hopkins: All right everyone, as you know, the NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the Nine-Nine and sending my findings to the Deputy Commissioner. Are there any questions?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for that job, given our, um, you know-
Charles: Sexual past.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, Detective Boyle.

Gina: We just need to find out what horrible thing Terry did to this woman so he can apologize and make it right.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've been wracking my brain. I can't think of anything.
Amy: Did you cheat on her?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! I would never do that.
Gina: Did you date one of her friends right after you broke up?
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh-uh. I cut off ties with all our mutual friends. Even Tommy. Terry loved Tommy! Tommy turned Terry on to tennis.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's a girl! Her name is Ava Jeffords. She's 14 pounds, six ounces.
Rosa: Whoa.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh yeah, Terry Jeffords makes big babies.

Sergeant Jeffords: I told you, I did everything right. I even gave Veronica plenty of time after her mom's death.
Amy: Wait, what does that mean?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was gonna break up with her, but then her mom passed, so, like a gentleman, I waited. That way she wouldn't have to deal with too much pain all at once.
Gina: How long did you wait, Jeffords?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, a year, year and a half.
Gina: Sarge!
Amy: Seriously?
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I was being considerate. Believe me, she had her fun for those 18 months. Terry puts out.